March 18, 2010 | 12:31 pm

O.C.D Passover Cleaning

Posted by Chava Tombosky

Recently a friend called to tell me her housekeeper mistakenly dumped all her hanging clothes on her bed and attempted to wash the walls of her closet in an effort to help clean her house for Passover.  It reminded me of a saying my mother-in-law reiterates every year before this holiday- “Dirt is not Chametz.”**

I’m all for cleaning the house. I regularly organize, sift, throw out and heave in order to keep my house tidy.  But cleaning the house for Passover can be taken to a whole new level for over compulsive cleaners who are challenged with the Jewish “I don’t want to make a mistake” syndrome.

Although I advocate cleaning the house thoroughly, there might be a few places that we assume to have bread that really would never ever and I mean NEVER have bread come near it’s circumference, and yet we may bring ourselves to the task of cleaning those areas once we’re on a roll. 

Here’s a top ten list of unnecessary chores we may have mistaken for “Passover cleaning”, vs “Spring cleaning.”

1. Hiring a cleaning crew to clean the windows.  (Good excuse to see through the windows after a bout of snow or rain has left a thick residue of soot, but really, I promise there are NO crumbs hiding between the windowpanes, unless your five year old regularly wipes the windows with his graham cracker crusty hands.)

2. Cleaning out the fireplace. (Last I recall I didn’t serve sandwiches inside the chimney. For those who roast marshmallows regularly, this chore should still apply.)

3. Sweeping the rooftop.  (Need I say more?)

4. Refreshing indoor plants with new topsoil.  (This will help your foliage but will not change your chametz status unless you use your plant pots to bake bread pudding.)

5. Refinishing furniture (Now you’re just being compulsive.)

6. Tossing out newspapers and mail. (Unless you’ve gotten a Yeshiva newsletter that has sent you several letters with honey cake attached before Rosh Hashanah.)

7. Cleaning out the toilets. (This should be done because you are human, not just in honor of Passover.)

8. Changing the light bulbs. (This should be done before Passover to help you find the crumbs hidden between your tennis shoes, hairbrushes, and armoires just incase you have eaten snacks while exercising at the gym, styling your hair, or assembling your latest Ikea purchase.)

9. Washing the curtains. (I regularly use my curtains as tablecloths- you?)

10. Steaming the TV screen.  (You never know. Those who sit too close to the TV while inhaling their popcorn, chips, or taco snacks could have flicked their chametz onto the flat screen. For those who sit at an appropriate distance, this would apply as excessive Passover cleaning, vs appropriate spring-cleaning.)

For those of you who still insist on getting to these chores before Passover, no judgement will be cast by the rest of us heathens who are too lazy.

*a saying my mother-in-law got from the very wise and pious Rebbetzin Miriam Nadoff ob"d from Pittsburgh
** Chametz- A hebrew word meaning “bread”.

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March 16, 2010 | 11:18 pm

Decoration Seder Plate

Posted by Chava Tombosky

I have a beef with websites that promise to deliver a wide range of decorations for EVERY occasion and don’t deliver to the one religious sect that has a holiday every five point two seconds.  Us Jews could support Oriental Trading Company alone if they would deliver decent table décor tailored for our holidays.  I’ve scanned Google in search of the best Passover knickknacks for my table and so far all I’ve come up with to re-enact the blood plague, was a pair of glow in the dark teeth, a vampire bat to hang from the ceiling, and a red ink pen that looks like an injection needle.  Cute, but I can’t give out pens on a holiday where writing is forbidden during the Seder.  They did carry a bag of blood sour candy, but of course that is trafe- and “chametz”.  (Bread friendly- a no-no on Passover). 

Is it too much to ask for a set of a dozen slaying of the first born fuzzy creatures?  Could you imagine if Oriental Trading Company had a section for every Jewish holiday with innovative ornaments for our Martha Stewart table topping pleasure?  I’d like to see them make glow sticks that say “Yom Kippur- don’t eat!”  What about Shavuot? That holiday always gets jipped.  Most people don’t remember that it is in June, we eat cheesecake, and it celebrates the giving of the Torah.  Is it too much to ask for a set of napkins and matching paper plates with blintzes and cheesecake engraved? 

Chanukah seems to be the only holiday with an array of decorative items for our buying pleasure.  But who picked blue?  What if I want an android green and amber color theme? What do I do then?  And I love the Jewish star. Who doesn’t like the Jewish star- but must we always be stuck with that symbol for our cups and table runners?  What about other symbols like the Moses staff?  I’d like a teal set of platters with a Moses staff printed in the middle.  You know, just to mix things up.

If I sold Jew party themed packs, I’d have the Tabernacle mint tins, Matzo and Morror flavored party suckers, and neon bottles that blow bubbles in the shape of shofars.  I’d sell fuchsia Mylar balloons that look like Seder plates. I’d have goody bags with a list of all the 613 laws as handouts.  Who’s up for a luau themed draidle party?  Wouldn’t it be nice to buy Hawaiian style paper goods that say Happy Chanukah.

Oriental Trading did have a variety of frogs and bugs to represent some of the plagues for my decoration Seder fest.  I may make red punch for the blood, and re-enact the slaying with the one guy who shows up late, just to keep things interesting. We can even eat dessert with the lights out to remind us of the darkness plague.  I still need to figure out how I’m going to depict lice.  That may be a hard one. As for my Seder centerpieces?  We’re going with the traditional Seder plate, but I did get the kids coloring in Passover themed placemats that I plan on laminating.  They’ve colored two. Only 28 more to go! We’re hiring an actor to walk around with a staff, and my kids are filling the wild animal printed goody bags with a remedy bottle for your run of the mill boil out break.  I chose tasteful colors. Not blue. And I managed to find matzo blow up balls for a round of toss the matzo ball during the soup course.

I think I am being pretty innovative this year, but I still have a beef with decoration companies that promise to carry décor for EVERY occasion.  Instead, they should say “we carry décor for some occasions, mainly not Jewish ones, unless your favorite color is blue and you don’t mind using Chanukah themed party plates for every occasion, including your Tishabav themed fast party, than we’re a one stop shop.”

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March 12, 2010 | 5:24 pm

Friday Food Day…..The Rant

Posted by Chava Tombosky

This week I woke up to find my highly coveted “Nespresso Machine” not working!

This is the machine that promised instant caffeinated results in seconds, that calibrated each cup perfectly, that warmed up instantaneously, that cost as much as my sofa, and yet I pushed the button and the amount of coffee that filled my coffee cup looked like a parched left-over puddle after a bad drought.

Panic ensued.  Thoughts of rushing to the store with my machine in hand and a dialogue starting with “what kind of a _ _ _ _ machine is this?” circled in my head.  The lecture was building with erratic speed.  ‘ Course it didn’t help that I hadn’t had my shot of caffeine.

My to-do list looked like it would be disrupted by a run at the mall with my box, the machine, the warranty, and my lecture.  How much time could I possibly waste- Oh My G-d what if I need to return the machine and wait for it to be repaired?  That would mean our Nespresso machine would be on hiatus.  What brand new coffee machine do you know takes a sabbatical?  If it’s one thing I can’t stand it’s unreliability.

I am already agitated by the thought that this purchase could have been more hassle then it was worth.

My husband senses my panic.  I look like a heroine addict needing her fix.  He tells me chill, calm down, think deliberately and call the emergency Nespresso 800 number that is posted on the fridge.

I make the call, ready to berate the customer service man with a rebuke comparable to Moses’ lecture to the Jews upon the witness of the Golden Calf.  Until I am surprised, delighted, and gleefully basking in the sun of my Nespresso’s dependability upon hearing that all I need to do to reset the calibration of my espresso is turn the machine off, push the button a few times, keep the button pressed for thirty seconds and then VOILA! My morning cap is finally achieved.

Aaaah, I am thrilled to report the dependability of this kitchen gadget is still my obsession. I have made a new friend at 1-800-nespresso, have recorded his information on my laptop, facebook, contact list, blackberry notes, and have made him number one on my speed dial. Thanks to Shawn extension 1432, my sanity and faith in humanity is restored.

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March 8, 2010 | 9:05 pm

Bikram/ Coconut Craze-y

Posted by Chava Tombosky

What is Bikram Yoga?
A: A yoga class that runs approximately 90 minutes, incorporates a series of 26 postures and 2 breathing exercises, and is ideally practiced in a room heated to 105°F (40.5°C) with a humidity of 40%.

What is coconut water?
A: A drink with five essential electrolytes, more potassium than a banana, low acidity, no fat, no sugar added, and no cholesterol, coconut water is the best and most natural, refreshing way to hydrate and replenish.

And what does Bikram Yoga and Coconut water have in common?

1. It is common for beginners to experience dizziness and nausea after both.

2. It takes immense amounts of focus and discipline to finish either.

3. There is much controversy as to whether or not performing strenuous exercise in a room over 100 degrees is safe. Likewise, there is much controversy whether drinking a disgusting drink like coconut water in any room is safe.

4. Blood circulation is affected immensely during Bikram Yoga because of two processes called extension and compression. The body is stretching or compressing a certain part of the body, thus cutting off circulation temporarily.  Sort of how you feel when you drink coconut water.

5. The pumping of excess, fresh blood is called extension. Once the asana is complete and the individual comes out of the posture, the new oxygenated blood is able to rejuvenate the arteries that were being compressed. Because of the volume change and influx of fresh blood, it is said that infection, bacteria, and toxins can be released through this process….. Likewise, toxins released in the process of inhaling coconut water is the vomit that is hurled out of your body upon the eight dollar, super vulgar, highly over rated, non caffeinated, non tasting, non enjoyable beverage that isn’t the least bit refreshing at all.

I just bought a case at Costco.

Think I could use a syringe to insert the sports drink instead?

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March 6, 2010 | 11:59 pm

List of things I plan on changing or making better this year:

Posted by Chava Tombosky

List of things I plan on changing or making better this year:

1. All my towels are crusty. I need new ones. Tj Maxx better have a good sale.
2. Stop writing cheesy lines like: “Years ago I heard a caller chime into the Dr. Laura program complaining about a girlfriend….” Did I actually just quote Dr. Laura on my blog?  No wonder I only get 200 readers a day- I suck.
3. Work on self- esteem.
4. Buy a pair of Ray Bans to avoid eye cancer and look cool at the same time. (This may help w #3)
5. Eat flaxseed daily.  (My cousin’s a nutritionist and told me it will help with hunger pangs. So far I’m still craving all of aisle four in the supermarket.)
6. Get a spray tan. (I’m a little afraid of wasting away in a white glaze of sorrowful pasty Goth that could be confused with a low blood count and writing indoors for several hours hinting to not having a life.  Am I nervous about standing naked in front of a powerful sprayer inside a small airless cramped booth while inhaling the fumes?  Oh G-d yes. Yes I am. But as Aunty Rose always said, “Beauty takes pain”.)
7. Make an appointment with the therapist to get over being in small spaces.
8. Stop writing shallow lines like “beauty takes pain.” Stop being shallow.
9. Buy a dairy pot big enough to make onion soup. Get recipe for onion soup.
10. Take on an art project like refinishing my dining room chairs. Oh who am I kidding?
11. Replace hot dog night with vegan night. (So not gonna happen.)
12. Buy a new crock-pot, since the old one just exploded in the plug socket. Not good.
13. Take one day at a time. Live, love, laugh.  Have an attitude of gratitude. Let go or be dragged.  Basically, work on collecting as many Alanon and AA quotes so I don’t forget how to be normal.
14. Get normal.
15. Buy more paper for my purse. Get a new pen.
16. Compliment husband more.
17. Try not to glaze over when one of my children decides to share their long school stories that don’t really have a beginning middle or end.
18. Watch Avatar in the theater because if I don’t I may have missed a monumental 3D occasion. (I don’t really have a desire; this is more out of obligation than anything else.  Three hours of sitting with glasses while floating in another world, which could start up a bout of vertigo is just so unappealing when the other theater has a another flick playing with a lot less commitment.  I show up to the theater think about going, know it is my screenwriting obligation but just can’t bring myself to buy a ticket.  Why? Why? Maybe if I brought a tub of ice cream with I’d be more inclined.)
19. Buy ice cream.
20. Buy, rent, or just do something with my house that will require having a little more stability in my life. (Geeze, I sound like a person who lives in a box on the blvd.)
21. Make amends to Dr. Laura.

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March 5, 2010 | 4:45 pm

Friday Food day, “The Legacy”

Posted by Chava Tombosky

Normally Friday Food day is funny, entertaining, and pithy. But today I am left with a more reflective attitude.  For today, I had an experience that has left me contemplative and introspective.  This morning after cooking my Shabbos meal, I got dressed and headed to my aunt’s house to see my uncle who is quite ill.  Unfortunately, my cousin called me this week with the news that his illness has taken a turn for the worse and suggested I come for a visit.

Upon turning the bend up to my aunt and uncle’s home one is struck with the beauty of their garden that surrounds their entire abode.  The scent of lavender, anise plants, basil leaves and rosemary covers the ground.  Their pride and joy has always been their magnificent fruit trees.  Pomegranates, tomatoes, figs, dates, blood oranges, key limes, Meyer lemons, you name it, they have it growing.  My uncle’s garden has always been his pride and joy.

My cousin took me through the garden and allowed me to pick their magnificent fruit and fragrant herbs.  As we picked the oranges off the tree we remembered our shared childhood experience of picking the many oranges, tangerines, and lemons that scattered our great grandparents’ garden.  Nothing was more fun than going to Grandma and Grandpa’s for a fruit picking fest and nothing bonded us more when we were children as it bonded us again today.

There is something special about the legacy my uncle will leave behind. When he moved in all that surrounded their house was a dirt path.  But with a little love and care, my uncle and aunt managed to create one of the most impressive home grown organic gardens in all of Thousand Oaks. 

The memories shared around the dinner table over delicious kumquats and berry pie is what life is truly about.  While you are gathered together tonight around your Friday night tables, be grateful for the bounty you have gathered to partake in, and know that each good deed, every seed that is planted, metaphorically speaking or physically speaking is the very legacy we all leave behind to nourish the world even in our absence.

I think I may go buy a plant.

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March 4, 2010 | 7:37 pm

Lost Time

Posted by Chava Tombosky

Scientists are speculating that the Feb. 27 magnitude 8.8 earthquake in Chile may have shortened the length of an Earth day.

“JPL research scientist Richard Gross computed how Earth’s rotation should have changed as a result of the Feb. 27 quake. Using a complex model, he and fellow scientists came up with a preliminary calculation that the quake should have shortened the length of an Earth day by about 1.26 microseconds (one millionth of a second). By comparison, Gross said the same model estimated the 2004 magnitude 9.1 Sumatran earthquake should have shortened the length of day by 6.8 microseconds.”
-Science Daily

This means as a result of the recent Chile earthquake and the 2004 Sumatran earthquake combined, there is a real possibility the human race could have lost 0.00000806 seconds of human time!

I have recently learned in a beautiful class given by Rabbi Yosef Yitzchok Jacobson a particular lesson that has given me great insight into the mystical ideas of understanding the lesson that can be gleamed by this phenomenon.

In Rabbi Jacobson’s latest class that can be seen on yeshiva.net**, he comments on the rules of a kosher Torah scroll.  In order for a Torah scroll to be kosher, each letter must be surrounded by white space.  If any letter is connecting, it is not deemed as a kosher Torah.  What is the lesson we can learn from this particular specific law?

Rabbi Jacobson went on to explain that Chassidic mysticism describes two kinds of energy that the world exists on,  “Ohr Pnimi” and “Ohr Makif”. “ Ohr Pnimi is a tangible energy that is internalized within the consciousness of a person.  Ohr Makif is a more intense and powerful energy that encircles and encompasses the person, but can’t be assimilated or integrated with in the parameters of the human consciousness. “

Ohr pnimi represents the tangible letters on the page of the parchment. The letters turn into versus which turn into paragraphs, concepts, and laws that eventually tell us the Judaic story.  We can see it, feel it, touch it, and taste it. It is the Matzah we are commanded to eat on Passover, the huts we are asked to build on Sukkot, or the leather phylacteries men wear daily to connect to their Higher Power.

Ohr Makif, on the other hand, is the energy that encircles us but remains hidden to our consciousness. It is an energy many of us never have a chance of getting acquainted with. It is the energy that represents the blank space on the page between each letter in the Torah. It is a powerful energy that tells us the history of our connection with the Divine.  It is a mystery that creates an eternal bond even more powerful than the words themselves. 

Have you ever seen a sheet of music?  There are five bars and each bar is separated by a space.  You would think that only the dark line that represents the bar has the ability of becoming a note. But the space is just as important. It too, can have a note that plays a sound and each space is called by these particular notes: F, A, C, & E.  How interesting it is that the very space that would seem blank and empty has the notes that make up the word “Face”.  Could it be that music is trying to give us the biggest hint into our Divine experience?  Could it be that this particular idea of Ohr Makif and the subconscious energy that exists in clean blank space is the actual “Face” of G-d? 

I don’t think it’s by chance the human experience that lead to the savior of so many people’s rescue was the remaking and selling of a song entitled “We are the world.” 

When we lost time last week, there was a void.  The entire world was given a revelation.  Maybe the fact that our world was “shaken to its core” and devoid of 0.00000806 seconds of actual time is G-d’s way of showing us his “face”.  In a world that constantly questions his existence, he was saying I have the power to stir the sea, quake the earth, and even control time.  For the first time in history, not since the Jews left Egypt, G-d has shared with us his awesome power over time and space. 

Is it any more relevant that this Power is being revealed to us between Purim and Passover?  Purim represents the ability to see things in hindsight. The miracles were consistently hidden (hence the name of Esther means hidden) to tell us that all of life’s experiences are there for a reason.  Sometimes we don’t know the reason, but we can look back in hindsight and see that each event was perfectly orchestrated, perfectly planned, and indeed a gift.

Passover represents the revealed miracle.  It is a time when we had the opportunity to see nature change completely and be altered for the sake of the Jewish people becoming the nation they are today, a nation created for the sake of becoming the world’s conscience.

And yet, it is this time of year between two awesome miraculous holidays that we received G-d’s awesome might and fury and experienced once again his awesome power.  Many lives were lost, people were displaced, and tragedy has struck the world two times in a row.  Seemingly this feels as though it is the worst experience that could hit the world.  But if we don’t try to make sense of it by realizing that there is a greater plan, a greater lesson, a greater revelation, than the lives that were lost, the many people who were disrupted could all be in vain.

What has happened as a result of these tragedies combined? The world over has showed the power of community by helping their fellow man through fundraising efforts, medical aid, and collective music.  We are filling in that void, and recognizing the gap.  We are finally seeing the space of G-d. We are finally recognizing his face through our own deeds and through our own G-d given power.  The lesson of these tragedies is what we do with it.  As in any tragedy, personal or global, if we don’t find a way to create the space for our own sub consciousness to evolve, we have indeed lost more than what comes from the tragedy itself, we have lost the opportunity to transform because of it.

**To view the entire class go to: http://www.theyeshiva.net/

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