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Jewish Journal

Dear NSA (NSFW)

by Marty Kaplan

June 10, 2013 | 7:11 am

Dear NSA,

It turns out that our handyman has been looking at gay porn on my laptop.  Is there a way to correct your records?

Name Withheld
Washington, D.C.


Dear Senator,

We really have no idea what websites you’ve been visiting.  If we’d wanted to know whether you’ve been cruising men4men, we’d have gotten a warrant from the Fisa court.

Your NSA


Dear NSA,

First off, I’m not saying you did anything illegal.  In fact, what you’ve doing is completely legal, and you’re keeping America safe.  But on that men4men thingie, I don’t think you don’t understand.  I wasn’t the one doing it – it was our handyman.  We never should have given him the key.

Name Withheld
Washington, D.C.
P.S. Why did you call me Senator?


Dear Senator,

It was totally a guess.  Really, we have no idea who writes to us.  And hey – thanks for the props.  It means a lot when someone like you stands up for us.  It’s the leakers who hate America.

Your NSA


Dear NSA,

Some really crazy mistakes keep showing up on my Verizon bill.  I never watch video on my smartphone.  Can you help me fix that?

Name Withheld
Arlington, VA


Dear Senator,

Did you really think driving to Arlington would confuse us?

Your NSA


Dear NSA,

I think most Americans know that we live in a dangerous world, and sometimes you have to give up something on the privacy side to get something on the security side.  These people whining about their civil-liberties-this and their Constitution-that should just wake up and smell the jihad.  Is there anything else you want me to be saying?  I really could use your help.

Pseudonym
Washington, D.C.


Dear Senator,

These reporters revealing classified documents are breaking the law, they’re putting our people in harm’s way and they should be prosecuted.  The same goes for their publishers, and for the so-called whistleblowers who’ve been leaking to them.  And another thing: When our guys testify in front of you, and those Bill of Rightsers on the committee ask us if we’re spying on Americans, what do they expect us to say?  “Yes”?  “Trust us”?  “I don’t recall”?  Anyone who’s ever clicked on Agree without reading a terms of service agreement, anyone who’s ever used Facebook, anyone who has a cellphone in their pocket – any nine-year-old will tell you there’s no such thing as privacy any more, and frankly, who cares?  If you’re not breaking the law, Senator, you’ve got nothing to worry about.

Your NSA


Dear NSA,

I know it’s not against the law.  It’s just, well, awkward.  As for the rest of that stuff, those are exactly the points I’ve been making.  Which you should have known in the first place, if you’re so darn good at data mining, Mr. SnoopyPants (ha ha).

Anonymous
Washington, D.C.


Dear Senator,

We do know.  We’re just messin’ with ya.  We gotcha covered.  Ix-nay on the men4men.

Your NSA
P.S. Don’t forget to delete those cookies on your browser.


Dear NSA,

Were you able to get rid of the Grindr on my iPhone, too?

Me Again
Washington, D.C.


Dear Senator,

What’s Grindr?

Your NSA


Dear NSA,

You’re good. 

Thanks A. Bunch,
Washington, D.C.

 

Marty Kaplan is the Norman Lear professor of entertainment, media and society at the USC Annenberg School for Communication and Journalism.  Reach him at martyk@usc.edu.

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