Posted by Orit Arfa
A friend of mine sent me this anonymous post on craigslist which accuses women of missing out on great guys because they don’t give the “nice guys” a chance. The poster calls himself “a recovering nice guy”, and he seemingly needs to vent. The post begs the question: should women learn to become more attracted to the less sexually appealing “nice guys” who offer them full friendship and devotion but who don’t push their buttons sexually? Or is that like teaching a woman to undo psychological conditioning? Is it better, then, that the “nice guy” learns to become a MANsch, treating women with respect and integrity while also knowing how to turn them on?
I think it’s a mixture of both. Women should understand better and modify their patterns of attraction to the non-mensches without compromising on sexual attraction, and these proverbial “nice guys” (mensches) could improve their appearance, lifestyles, and communication with women to make themselves alluring romantic options.
What happened to all the nice guys?
The answer is simple: you did.
See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He’d tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn’t feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were fucking treated you.
At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were “just friends.” Besides, he totally wasn’t your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn’t know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.
Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren’t the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you’re single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, “What happened to all the nice guys?”
Well, once again, you did.
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December 17, 2009 | 8:16 pm
Posted by Orit Arfa
“Mansch” is a word I adapted from the Yiddish word “mensch” to describe the kind of man a woman generally wants: a MANsch. A mansch is a man—Jewish or not—who exemplifies characteristics commonly attributed to a mensch—integrity, kindness, and sensitivity—but who does not compromise on the masculine qualities that make him desirable to women.
After reading what is commonly known as “pick up art” (PUA) literature, starting with the groundbreaking book The Game by Neil Strauss, I can confirm, as a woman and singles columnists, that the teachings of many PUAs are right on target, only American Jewish men (Israelis excluded) who do not want to be perceived as “bad boys” or players might find their lessons and techniques offensive.
Naturally, much of PUA literature is concerned with one question: how to bed a hot woman. (And some women like to be bedded—especially when given the guilt-free permission to do so.) Most pick up artists teach that women are attracted to the “alpha male”—the leader of men who exhibits confidence, high socioeconomic status, mental and physical strength, humor, strength, pro-activeness, and leadership.
I know from experience, and my friends’ experience (and complaints), that women aren’t always attracted to the proverbial “nice guys”—the mensch. Often, mensches don’t know how to turn on the heat with a women because they try to be, well, too nice, which sometimes comes across as weak, wimpy and feminine.
For example, women like men who ask a woman out on the date, rather than hint at one; men who take the lead in planning a date; men who intelligently court a woman with a sharp mental and emotional engagement; men who aren’t afraid of indicating their comfort with their sexuality—and a woman’s; men who are comfortable in their own skin—inside and out; and men who know how to handle themselves in the company of pretty women.
I’ll likely elicit the ire of many men with my next incrimination, but I know many Jewish women will thank me. Without generalizing too much, I have found through my dating experience that American Jewish men are often pretty clueless when it comes to dating effectively, or else they come across as nebbish and dorky.
I have some theories for this. The size of the Jewish community lessens competition so Jewish men don’t have to try as hard if they want to marry within the faith. Jewish families emphasize education over sport games, bars, and poker nights where men often form societies to dish out secrets for getting women, which often include a healthy degree of chauvinism. The Jewish emphasis on intellectualism devalues the importance of the body, so American Jewish men don’t develop their physique and comfort with it.
Most of all, in trying hard to be mensches, Jewish men often emasculate themselves by underemphasizing their sexuality and assertiveness when dealing with women.
The challenge is to remain a mensch while also being a man. The challenge is to become a MANsch!
So welcome to my new blog where you’ll hear advice, interviews, and anecdotes relating to the way men and women date and how men can attract more women through alpha-male characteristics but without compromising on what should be the hallmark of a good Jewish man: good middot (character).
Visit Orit’s website dealing with the art of seduction, Mansch, and check out her eBook, Survival of the Shittest, on the subtle tests women given men on dates and throughout relationships.