Jewish Journal

Women’s Tests and God-Garden of Peace Part II

by Orit Arfa

December 22, 2009 | 12:04 am

In my eBook, Survival of the Shittest,  I discuss the various ways that women test men, from the pick-up stage up through marriage—and even during divorce. It’s based on the crude term “Shit Test”, a popular term in the pick-up artist community which refers to the ways women test men, particularly when men approach them cold. (Since this blog is featured in a Jewish publication, I’ll nickname it the S-Test.)

People dismiss the S-Test as game-playing, when that is far from the truth. Testing is an inborn mechanism we women have to protect ourselves from men who will either hurt us or fail us, whether through incompetence, negligence, or impotence. (The subject is not as crude as the name suggests, and my eBook is actually filled with Biblical commentary.)

All kinds of women test men (i.e. give them “S-Tests”), unless they’re practicing to be feminists, and even then. And if you think some women are too religious or holy to test men, think again.

Rabbi Shalom Arush’s bestselling marriage guide for religious Jewish men, Garden of Peace, which I reviewed in the Jewish Journal, talks a lot about the ways women test men (and Jewish women might be the worst at this!). Of course, Arush wouldn’t use the S-word, so I hope he will forgive me for my profanity.

He gives an example of a wife who calls her husband to see when he’s coming home form work.

“Sometimes a wife’s call is only a test—conscious or unconscious—of her husband. She wants to see and hear if she’s really number one. His granting her that very feeling is the greatest gift he can give to her,” he writes.

Arush teaches that a man should never lash out at his wife—and especially not criticize her. He must accept each test with equanimity, even if she ruffles his feathers.

I teach in my book that the number one thing a man should not do in the face of a “Shit Test” is to freak out. Freaking-out demonstrates that he can’t handle her, that he’s inexperienced with women and relationships (because men with women experience generally know to expect tests), and that he’s unable to withstand or remain calm in the face of challenge and conflict. In other words, it demonstrates he’s a wimp.

Arush teaches that for men to remain calm during a women’s test he requires emuna, or trust in God. He must believe that the test is for the sake of his “soul correction.” He must remain impervious to a woman’s taunts and instead let her vent, test, nudge, demand without criticizing her.

Actually, emuna, or trust in God, is nothing more than confidence, the quality a woman finds most attractive in a man. This is where pick-up art literature is actually very religious. Emuna can also be translated as faith or confidence in oneself, for if a man has faith that everything in life ultimately serves his benefit, then he can grow in the face of adversity, believing that he has the tools, capacities, and power to do so.

The quality of confidence and faith in the face of a woman’s test demonstrates a man’s ability to maintain calm and emotional control in relationships and to present himself to women as a self-contained being rather than as whiny, approval-seeking wuss.

When a man has emuna (trust in God—or in the Universe, for you agnostics out there), or confidence, he knows he can handle any challenge that comes his way. Handling challenge is an important trait not only in marriage, but in life. A man will always be challenged, and his ability to withstand challenge with calm and dignity is what makes him a MANsch.

Visit Orit’s website dealing with the art of seduction, MANsch, and check out her eBook, Survival of the Shittest, on the subtle tests women given men on dates and throughout relationships.

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