December 30, 2009 | 4:47 pm

Luke Ford Interviews Me at His Hovel

Posted by Orit Arfa

Blogger Luke Ford is blogging about our interview like crazy following our video chat in his “hovel” in the Pico/Robertson area. So it wasn’t as glamorous as Oprah, but he was as gracious and menschadik a host as the charming hovel permits, asking me challenging questions about love, Judaism and philosophy.

Check it out here.

I have to admit this whole thing has made me a little self-conscious.

Is blogging about how men can MANsch up coming at a personal cost, i.e. self-inflicted invasion of privacy and raising my already difficult romantic standards? Or am I doing a real service for humankind and ultimately for myself?

Thoughts anyone?

Check out Orit’s website on the art of dating and seduction at www.mansch.net.

December 29, 2009 | 1:26 am

The Courage to Ask a Woman Out on a Date

Posted by Orit Arfa

There is an act that seems to require more courage from men than asking a boss for a raise, than changing a career path, or even than fighting in a war. It is the simple task of ASKING A GIRL OUT ON A DATE.

So what does asking a girl out on a “date” mean?

In this day and age, because the phenomenon of asking a girl out on a date is like endangered species, I feel like I need to define it:

Asking a girl out on a date (verb): an act performed by a man in which he invites a woman on an outing at a particular time. The outing could take place at a café, bar, restaurant or some other public venue under conditions suitable for conversation and the pretext that the man and woman are potential romantic partners.

Asking a girl out on a date does not include the following statements:

“Hey, let’s hang out some time.”
“My friends and I are going to see a movie. Wanna come?”
“Let’s go for coffee this week.”
“Wanna come over?”

The asking should occur either in person or over the phone, sometimes over e-mail, rarely over Facebook, and never over text.

Men generally don’t have problems asking girls out on dates via dating services because they are built for that purpose. But if men meet girls they like casually, whether at a party, social event, or random encounter, I have found that many have a problem making a clear statement of romantic intent by asking a girl out on a date. I think this comes mostly from fear of rejection, uncertainty on how to handle themselves on dates, stinginess (dates cost money), lack of serious interest in a relationship with the woman, and laziness.

In Los Angeles especially, many men will choose a middle, undefined ground (like those described above). It’s the path of least resistance that doesn’t put their ego or effort on the line. On a date there are certain expectations since the guy and girl know they are exploring each other as romantic partners. There must be a modicum of stimulating conversation and chivalry. Both must put their best foot forwards.

When they’re just “hanging out”, the romantic waters are gray and mucky. The girl wonders if he likes her as a friend, as a potential relationship, or as a roll in the hay. I’m not saying all relationships must begin with dates, but it is a pleasing, rational way to explore the possibility of a relationship with a new person.

After a date, both the man and woman can generally glean the information they need to offer a clear answer (i.e. yes or no) as to whether or not they want to proceed further.

The fear of rejection is real and understandable, but unless a woman is really not attracted to a guy, she will most likely accept the direct offer for a date when the guy suggests a specific time and venue, and she will respect the man who asks her, because most guys are afraid to. Also, the fact that he put himself on the line to ASK her out indicates that he has confidence in himself and respect for women, and a woman will respond to those qualities.

So all you men at there: MANsch up and ask a woman out on a date. Take her for coffee, a drink, or dinner—whatever your pleasure—but ASK! And if hearing “no” scares you more than taking a bullet to your heart, then go through a proxy, like her friend. You and the woman will be left the better for it.

Visit’s Orit website, MANsch, about the art of seduction and dating, and check out her eBook about the subtle, subconscious ways women test men.

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December 23, 2009 | 4:56 am

Sherlock Holmes is a MAN but not a MANsch

Posted by Orit Arfa

Just went to a screening of the Sherlock Holmes movie and there were moments in the movie when I wanted Robert Downey, Jr. He did a great job mixing his acting genius with his drug-addict past to give the character a nice mixture of being troubled and brilliant. Oh, and the part where he’s boxing topless—NICE!  I heard a lady next to me say, “he’s hot.”

His character definitely exhibited a lot of manly qualities: he thought quick on his feet; no one could ruffle his feathers; he displayed ingenuity, heroism, and wit; he was an apt warrior; and he saw through people. I loved the seen when he analyzed Watson’s girlfriend, Mary, based on clues in her appearance. Women eat that stuff up; they love it when the guy can see into her soul and be right on target. Mary was enthralled with his analysis—until he insulted her.

Holmes also had some despicable qualities: poor grooming and hygiene, bad drinking habits, too much arrogance and such. He wasn’t a “mensch”, at least not like John Watson (Jude Law), Holmes’ sidekick, who TRIED to be nice to his girlfriend and who always sought to save the day from the goodness of his heart. Watson was definitely more of a beta-male compared to Holmes. (Although I’m sure Holmes, as played by Downey, had major insecurities and emotional issues; he was somewhat of a social derelict.)

But Holmes’ alpha qualities totally made Irene Adler (Rachel McAdams) crazy for him, and, at the end of the day, Watson was crazy for him as well. People are always attracted to alpha males who save the day with calm, ingenuity, and control. Holmes, however, didn’t always seem motivated by goodness, more by an intellectual challenge. But I can tell you most women in the audience were probably not lusting after the more menschly Watson, but the manly Holmes. Holmes, however, was not a MANsch most of the time.

As a side note, I wonder what’s going through Madonna’s mind now that her ex-hubby, Guy Richie, has directed such a blockbuster. While I have mixed feelings about the movie, it definitely took a lot of alpha-male qualities to get such an ambitious project off the ground.

Check out Orit’s website on the art of seduction, MANsch, and read her new eBook on the subtle, subconscious ways women test man for their MANschliness.

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December 22, 2009 | 8:00 pm

Five Magic Words to a Woman

Posted by Orit Arfa

There are five words that are music to a woman’s ears. They are not I-WANT-TO-MARRY-YOU. They are not I’M-IN-LOVE-WITH-YOU. They are not YOU-ARE-SO-VERY-BEAUTIFUL.

They are: I-KNOW-A-GREAT-PLACE.

How I love it when a guy asks me out on a first or second date and says, enthusiastically, “I know a great place!” instead of the uncertain, “So whadda you wanna do?” When I’m not sure about the guy, and he says, “I know a great place,” he shatters my hesitation. It doesn’t even matter what that “great place” is. It could be a café, bar, or activities-oriented venue. Presenting options shows he’s confident, fun, and proactive. I know I don’t only speak for myself.

Granted, first and second dates usually call for sit down conversations, but a man can have a lot more success with a woman he likes, if, on the initial dates, he makes FUN plans. He doesn’t have to take her to an amusement park, but I recommend that he choose the venue, with back-up plans. I love it when the date is going well and the guy suggests new places we can go to carry on the date. It’s nice to create a change in ambiance, movement, and point of interest.

Once attraction has already been established, take her bike riding by the beach, go for a hike, eat dinner at a well-reviewed restaurant, have a drink at a really “in” bar, go to an art gallery, or invite her to a party. The possibilities are limitless—and not expensive. There are great things to do in the city that cost little money: street fairs, farmer’s markets, museums. For example, I recently had a humorous outing at the Psychiatry: Industry of Death Museum in Los Angeles. It was free-of-charge and triggered a lot of stimulating discussion after.

Now I know men think that their presence should be valuable enough. “I just have to be myself,” they might argue. Yes, they should be themselves—the best of themselves: interesting, fun, inquisitive, proactive, and giving. So if you’re unsure of a woman’s desire to accept your offer for a date, give her the added value of a fun outing or unique venue. Men might also think, “why do I have to do all the work?” The answer is because she’s not sure if she’s into, and she can take you or leave you unless you step up. Don’t worry, eventually she’ll start making plans, too, especially after you put in the initial effort. (And if she’s not interested, she probably won’t take you up on your offer, but at least you made a CLEAR offer!)

So keep a list of fun places to take a woman. That doesn’t mean going overboard to do whatever it takes to please her. I know a man who, in a valiant attempt at a first date, took me to a picnic at a park—at night—filled with scary looking men. We ended up at a restaurant. It should be a venue that you enjoy as well.

Most women like it when a man takes a lead on a date, and most women like it when a guy shows her a good time. It’s not just about a woman’s materialistic desire to experience the world on a man’s dime. When a man takes women out on fun and interesting dates, he demonstrates that he wants to spend time with her, that he’s attentive, that he likes to be with her in public (as opposed to just the bedroom), that he has an interesting and fun life, and that she is worth effort. Actions speak louder than words, even words as lofty as the ones listed at the start of this blog.

Visit Orit’s website on the art of seduction and dating, MANsch, and check out her eBook, Survival of the Shittest, on the subject of subtle, subconscious tests that women give men.

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December 22, 2009 | 1:04 am

Women’s Tests and God-Garden of Peace Part II

Posted by Orit Arfa

In my eBook, Survival of the Shittest,  I discuss the various ways that women test men, from the pick-up stage up through marriage—and even during divorce. It’s based on the crude term “Shit Test”, a popular term in the pick-up artist community which refers to the ways women test men, particularly when men approach them cold. (Since this blog is featured in a Jewish publication, I’ll nickname it the S-Test.)

People dismiss the S-Test as game-playing, when that is far from the truth. Testing is an inborn mechanism we women have to protect ourselves from men who will either hurt us or fail us, whether through incompetence, negligence, or impotence. (The subject is not as crude as the name suggests, and my eBook is actually filled with Biblical commentary.)

All kinds of women test men (i.e. give them “S-Tests”), unless they’re practicing to be feminists, and even then. And if you think some women are too religious or holy to test men, think again.

Rabbi Shalom Arush’s bestselling marriage guide for religious Jewish men, Garden of Peace, which I reviewed in the Jewish Journal, talks a lot about the ways women test men (and Jewish women might be the worst at this!). Of course, Arush wouldn’t use the S-word, so I hope he will forgive me for my profanity.

He gives an example of a wife who calls her husband to see when he’s coming home form work.

“Sometimes a wife’s call is only a test—conscious or unconscious—of her husband. She wants to see and hear if she’s really number one. His granting her that very feeling is the greatest gift he can give to her,” he writes.

Arush teaches that a man should never lash out at his wife—and especially not criticize her. He must accept each test with equanimity, even if she ruffles his feathers.

I teach in my book that the number one thing a man should not do in the face of a “Shit Test” is to freak out. Freaking-out demonstrates that he can’t handle her, that he’s inexperienced with women and relationships (because men with women experience generally know to expect tests), and that he’s unable to withstand or remain calm in the face of challenge and conflict. In other words, it demonstrates he’s a wimp.

Arush teaches that for men to remain calm during a women’s test he requires emuna, or trust in God. He must believe that the test is for the sake of his “soul correction.” He must remain impervious to a woman’s taunts and instead let her vent, test, nudge, demand without criticizing her.

Actually, emuna, or trust in God, is nothing more than confidence, the quality a woman finds most attractive in a man. This is where pick-up art literature is actually very religious. Emuna can also be translated as faith or confidence in oneself, for if a man has faith that everything in life ultimately serves his benefit, then he can grow in the face of adversity, believing that he has the tools, capacities, and power to do so.

The quality of confidence and faith in the face of a woman’s test demonstrates a man’s ability to maintain calm and emotional control in relationships and to present himself to women as a self-contained being rather than as whiny, approval-seeking wuss.

When a man has emuna (trust in God—or in the Universe, for you agnostics out there), or confidence, he knows he can handle any challenge that comes his way. Handling challenge is an important trait not only in marriage, but in life. A man will always be challenged, and his ability to withstand challenge with calm and dignity is what makes him a MANsch.

Visit Orit’s website dealing with the art of seduction, MANsch, and check out her eBook, Survival of the Shittest, on the subtle tests women given men on dates and throughout relationships.

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December 21, 2009 | 6:29 pm

Neil Strauss on MANsches

Posted by Orit Arfa

Okay…So Neil Strauss, author of The Game, the life-changing pick-up guide for men around the world, does not know what MANsch means. I don’t think he visited my site: www.mansch.net which offers a definition of MANsch. But Strauss’ blog actually provides a good description of MANsch qualities.

Here’s an excerpt. For the rest go click here. 

The guy who fails at the game is the one who
goes out looking for women to make him
feel good about himself.

Both guys do and say the exact same things but get
a very different reaction from women because of the
intent they are communicating.

Visit Orit’s website dealing with the art of seduction, MANsch, and check out her eBook, Survival of the Shittest, on the subtle tests women given men on dates and throughout relationships.

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December 20, 2009 | 11:13 pm

How to pick up your wife: Garden of Peace-Part I

Posted by Orit Arfa

Some people think when they get married they don’t have to try anymore, especially the man. He’s already proven to the woman that she’s number one in his life—why else would he give up his freedom and take the leap so many men dread? They think it’s payback time: now she’ll have to forever give love, affection, dedication without any hassle and, of course, make dinner and clean the house.

The book, Garden of Peace: A Marital Guide for Men Only by Rabbi Shalom Arush, which I reviewed for the Jewish Journal, teaches that, hey buddy, that ain’t so.

It’s the only Jewish book I know of that thoroughly discusses the problems of male masculinity in general and in the Jewish world in particular. It’s like a religious guide on how to “pick up” your wives. It has an entire chapter on “Be a Man”, where the author writes (emphasis mine):

“Sometimes couples come to me, but I find myself talking to two females. I can’t make peace between two females in what’s supposed to be a male-female relationship. The husband says: ‘She should make the first move. She should correct her behavior.’ And she, understandably, says: ‘No. he’s the one who needs to change.’ There is no solution in such situations, apart from the husband learning to become a man.’

“This explains the Talmud in Kiddushin (82b) that says: ‘Happy is the one who has male sons, and woe to one whose sons are females.’” Great Talmudic adage!

So how does Arush describe a man?

A man gives. He pampers others; listens to others; pays attention to others; concedes his wants for the sake of others; is forgiving; doesn’t seek honor; doesn’t want to benefit from others; supports others; helps others and empathizes with others. A man can accept humiliation with love, and can also accept complaints and accusations without being offended or defensive.

Doesn’t this sound like a pushover—the “nice guy”, which I described in my website, as the kind of guy so many desirable women reject in favor of the “jerk”? He is if he sacrifices his identity and values. Here’s where the “manliness lies”: he is not needy, whiny, or judgmental. He’s comfortable enough with who he is that he doesn’t seek honor from people around him, even from his wife. Likewise, pick-up artists (PUAs) teach that the “alpha male” doesn’t look for a woman to validate him, especially when he approaches her for the first time.

The major lesson throughout the book is that a husband must turn on his “mensch” with his wife. During dating stages, a woman generally likes to know a man has his own life—that he has values, integrity, character, and social acceptance as well as professional fulfillment and hobbies.

But once they marry or begin to date seriously, she wants to be the top value. By marrying her, he tells her she deserves to be his top value. So marriage is not the time to slack-off. It’s the time to turn on the “mensch” part of MANsch—to be that “nice guy” who will honor his wife as the best thing that ever happened to him and whom he’ll love and protect as the strong-willed, self-contained, self-assured “alpha male” that he is.

However, when approaching and dating attractive women, many men treat the girl as if she’s the best thing that ever happened to them before they get to know her, and it indicates that their interest may be superficial and that they have few standards because they’ll take any pretty woman that comes their way, like any AFC (average frustrated chump) or clueless mensch.

Visit Orit’s website dealing with the art of seduction, Mansch, and check out her eBook, Survival of the Shittest, on the subtle tests women given men on dates and throughout relationships.

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December 18, 2009 | 6:48 pm

Who’s Responsible? Men or Women

Posted by Orit Arfa

A friend of mine sent me this anonymous post on craigslist which accuses women of missing out on great guys because they don’t give the “nice guys” a chance. The poster calls himself “a recovering nice guy”, and he seemingly needs to vent. The post begs the question: should women learn to become more attracted to the less sexually appealing “nice guys” who offer them full friendship and devotion but who don’t push their buttons sexually? Or is that like teaching a woman to undo psychological conditioning? Is it better, then, that the “nice guy” learns to become a MANsch, treating women with respect and integrity while also knowing how to turn them on?

I think it’s a mixture of both. Women should understand better and modify their patterns of attraction to the non-mensches without compromising on sexual attraction, and these proverbial “nice guys” (mensches) could improve their appearance, lifestyles, and communication with women to make themselves alluring romantic options.

Click here to read the full craigslist post, excerpted below:

What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He’d tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn’t feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were fucking treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were “just friends.” Besides, he totally wasn’t your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn’t know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren’t the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you’re single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, “What happened to all the nice guys?”

Well, once again, you did.

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