Jewish Journal

Eat, Pray, Stress.

by Nikki Tabibian

November 16, 2012 | 5:04 pm

Eat, Pray, Stress.

The past few months have driven me mashooganah and left me with this golden motto, for with each AP, SAT and in class essay I’ve fallen victim to, the cycle of: EAT for STRESS, PRAY for STESS to stop, and STRESS for everything…

The trouble began with the completion of my first SAT II, as I signed up for the exam at UNDISCLOSED High School in hopes of completing my final standardized test and forever freeing myself from the oppressive yolk of the Collegeboard like the Israelites flee from Egypt. 

The night before the exam I treated myself to a private YouTube session of meditative Yoga in my living room, and seeing as my Yoga was a little rusty (the last memory I had of, “physical activity” was a reminiscence of Sophomore year) most of my downward dogs turned into mourning turtles.

Before retiring to my chamber, I had the brilliant idea of reenacting a recent brain study I had read about by listening to the French Rosetta Stone in my sleep. If anything, hearing the recording could only better my French subject test score, I thought. Oh how young and naïve I was…

And then, just as naturally as my circadian rhythm, I fell into the cycle of stress.

I EAT: A cookie, a raison, some matzah ball soup, a cake (an entire cake), some Boba, a salad, a cookie, a raison ,a cake, a donut…

I PRAYED: to Adonai, Jesus, Moses, Muhammad (my former SAT tutor who moved to Canada), Allah, Allie, the almighty Buddah and, most importantly, the lost soul of Einstein for the swift success of my future exam.


The day of the exam, I entered the classroom equipped with my battle gear and ready to conquer that concours. I strategically planted myself near the front of the classroom to ensue immediate access to the test.

As the proctor, who sounded like a allergy ridded Sophia Vergara, began reading the instructions, an explosive cry came from my left.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh- chooooooooooooooooooooooo.

And before I could relocate, the test had begun. Sneezy kept the allergy grenades coming until about mid exam when I was faced with a new obstacle.

As I bent forward in to answer question 34 on the scantron, an illustrious odor came from the student on my right, followed by a series of high sonatas, only to be harmonize by the lethargic tapping my Seniõr smelly’s pencil.  

By the end of the test one student had fallen into a fit of tears, one student had passed our, and one (my infamous neighbor) had stumbled to the bathroom.

And me? Well my readers, I left the war zone with a smile. I laughed at all those cakes I ate, all those prayers I had, and all the stress and anticipation Seniõr smelly and I underwent to perfect this day.

Because nothing is perfect and all that has passed has passed. The only power I have now is to bid farewell to the past time, and welcome the coming days with a new cycle of laughter, laughter and laughter.

So with that I’d lke to say, Le’chaim to eating, praying and stressing, Le’chaim to laughter, have you laughed today?

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