April 30, 2013
Windows, Doors, Friends & Hope
I have met a man. He makes me think about things differently, laugh from a place deep within, share with no hesitation, and flutter like a schoolgirl. Our meeting was random and unexpected, yet the friendship we are starting is profound. We don’t have a lot in common, and our paths through life have been very different, but there is a bond that I can only assume comes from the soul. He is my friend, and he matters to me.
I have been stumbling through the past couple of months because I was broken up with, and could not understand why it happened. I mean understand why it happened, so I suppose I simply could not believe it happened. I have been trying to move forward but it is really hard. There is nothing more painful than a broken heart, and I have been paralyzed by it. I wanted to get another cat and embrace the joy of being a spinster.
It is because of my friends that I have been able to stay away from the animal shelter. My childhood friends, adult friends, sister, and Twitter friends have talked me off the ledge and nursed me back to health. There have been flowers, wine, chocolate, hugs, and countless invitations to crawl up on their couches and cry until I feel better. It is through these remarkable friendships that I was able to see a remarkable man.
I was advised to close a door so a window would open, but I was unwilling to close the door on my relationship because I was in shock that after such a close partnership, friendship could not be salvaged. I would try to close the door, but each time I got close I would send a drunken text, or pathetic email, trying to hang on to something with a man who did not want anything. You can tell a lot about a person by how they treat you at the end.
I gently and reluctantly closed the door, only to have this new man burst through the window. He is open, aware, enlightened, supportive, and appears to lack the bullshit gene. He is wise, and although not religious, has a Judaic worldview that brings me closer to God, because he makes me talk to God. I take all my questions to God and he has inspired a lot of questions. Questions about myself, and who I want to be in this life.
He has a lot of answers, some of them good, some of them wrong, but all of them fascinating. He has been my friend, father, brother, Rabbi, and inspiration. He has made me believe in myself again. When I talk with him I twirl my hair, have a smile on my face, and allow myself to focus on tomorrow, instead of obsessing over yesterday. I don’t know were this man came from, but I am very happy that he is here. He is wonderful.
He is geographically undesirable, yet completely available. We speak throughout each day and our nights end with conversations that are funny and warm, quiet and important. We are having dinner on Thursday and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t hope there was attraction between us, but in the end it won’t really matter. This man has meant so much because he reminds me I have value. I feel beautiful when I talk to him.
When he asks for my advice, or shares his stories with me, I feel happy to be in the company of a man. He makes me feel important. He makes me feel safe. He reminds me that what defines a man is his ability to show decency and integrity to a woman. He has been careful with my heart, while not allowing me to hide behind it. He is Israeli, he is a mensch, and although he may have broken English, I understand him perfectly.
Those who don’t know me will think it is odd that I can speak so deeply about a man that I don’t know, but those who do know me, understand that this is who I am. I live with care and passion. I am a woman of faith and hope. When a woman loses her husband of 50 years, or a 16 year old girl breaks up with her boyfriend, the tears are the same. Women feel the same pain and we share the same hopes for love and acceptance.
I have taught my son to respect a woman’s heart and know that it is fragile, but also strong. It is forgiving and kind, yet wrapped up in all kinds of crazy. He is a remarkable young man for having this knowledge, and the women he will love in his life will be blessed. I am honest and open with all of you, and I am not going to stop being that way because I worry about what you will think of me. In the end if you read my columns, you know me, and get it.
The Israeli is aware and supportive of my blog. He is not intimidated by it, and has no fear about being in it. He feels that if this is what I do, and he is in my life, then he is a part of the blog. I think that is sexy. I will let you all know how the date goes. That said, I do not need to wait for the date to share with you that this is a special man, our friendship is important, and hearts can be mended if you open a window, and keep the faith.