January 4, 2012
Why You Date Who You Date
The New Year marks my return to dating. After a bit of a break I’m ready to jump back in. By a break of course I mean one bad date too many put me over the edge. I was either going to get another cat and never date, or walk away, regroup, and try again with a fresh perspective
I reactivated my JDate profile this week and after one minute I wanted to shoot myself because the second I clicked “activate”, I immediately returned to my first class seat on a train ride through hell. It was as if I had never even left and I immediately regretted getting back onboard.
There were messages from the same people, men I dated years ago, Israelis who want a green card, men who are separated but still living with their wives, convicted felons, and the man who was married to my friend until she dumped him for cheating.
JDate is almost too much for any sane person to handle, but here I am, wondering what time the animal shelter opens and trying to figure out why the man who made me flutter never called. None of which matters because I am back on the train and we have left the station.
As I looked around at the faces of what are probably lovely people in their real lives, I had to wonder why they are on the hell train with me? Why do people date? It may seem like a silly question, but its not because the answer explains not only why they date, but also how they date.
I date because I want to share my life with someone. I do not want to spend the rest of my really blessed life alone. My son has one foot out the door to college, and when he goes I will be alone, so I want a partner. I want to have a man in my life whose opinion I value and trust.
Many define love differently and so to clarify, love to me is trust. I want to trust someone enough that I can share my thoughts, desires, opinions, values and dreams with him. I want him to be a man my child can respect, and I want to admire him and be proud of the human being he is.
How a man looks is not as important as how he feels. I don’t want to date a man who is the equivalent of a really great pair of high heeled shoes. Gorgeous to look at, coveted by others, and useless after 5 minutes. I want a reliable pair of sneakers that fit perfectly.
Four different men contacted me, and each of them is dating for different reasons. I know this because when we started talking I asked them why they were dating? They all answered openly and freely. Of the four I spoke with, can you guess which one I am going to go out with?
#1. Mr. Companionship
This man is looking for a woman to tell him he has value as a man. He is recently divorced, his wife paid no attention to him, they slept in separate rooms, he is lonely, just purchased a Harley, and bought a new wardrobe. He is handsome, smart, entertaining, and having a midlife crisis.
#2. Mr. Sex
This man has no interest in anything other than sex. He feeds on the insecurities of women to make himself feel important and sexy. He will walk around naked, completely unaware that he does not look good naked. He is trying to recapture the life he lost when he married at 20.
#3. Mr. Marriage
In an attempt to make a women not fixate on his height, or that he is 50 and never married, he not only says he wants to get married, but shares he wants it quickly and is ready to buy a ring. He has not had a date in months, and the thought of a relationship makes him nauseous.
#4. Mr. Dare
This guy is clearly too young for me, but lets me know he thinks I have beautiful eyes and his friend dared him to write because I was way out of his league. Really? He is trolling cougars and wants to go for coffee because the sheer volume of his dating makes dinner too expensive.
Who am I going out with? Are you high? I’m not going out with any of these men. While these men would make for fabulously entertaining blogs, it’s never going to happen. I want to date someone who dates for the same reason as me, and I am certain that man exists.
I’d like to date a man with a family, or lots of friends, so my home is full of life and laughter on Shabbat. A man who people respect and ask his opinion, who teaches me things and broadens my view of the world. I want to be in a relationship that has no fear.
Fear is paralyzing and I want to be free. I want my heart flutter to flutter when i see him. When we are sitting on the couch I want to hold hands. I want a man who will challenge me. I want to learn, not fight, and have an intimate connection that is not just sexual.
Some may think they are silly things, but they matter to me. I don’t care how much money a man has, or what kind of car he drives but I do care that he makes me feel that I matter. I want my son to see me in a healrhy and loving relationship that is fun and respectful.
JDate has been a dud but I will keep trying. By keep trying of course I mean even the bad dates have value as I can offer you a front row seat on the hell train. Good things come to those who wait so I am waiting. Waiting for my Beshert, and hopeful he comes soon.
It would speed things up if JDate could add new categories to its selection process. Divorced, Single, Never Married, Separated, Sex Only, Midlife Crisis, On a Dare, Companionship, Desperate.. In the end I suppose it would not help as they would lie about that too.
I am going to find the man I am looking for and while it may not be on JDate, my time there will make finding him much sweeter. A prolonged ride through hell teaches patience, provides hope, reminds us why is more important than who, and that when all else fails, just keep the faith.