April 19, 2010
The Ex, The Country Music Awards & Lady Antebellum
My ex-boyfriend called me this weekend. We have not spoken for several months, and getting a call from him was a surprise. We dated for over a year, and I can say with all honesty, that I have never loved a man more than I loved him. He was not only my boyfriend, but he was my best friend.
I wanted to marry him, and when we broke up, I thought we would be able to remain friends, and grow old together in a different way. I suppose that’s silly, and unrealistic, but having him in my life, was more important than the type of relationship we had. I truly thought we could do it.
We had an insanely close bond. I have never understood anyone on the level that I understood him, and never had anyone who made my life make sense like he did. He was smart, kind, funny, and wise. When we broke up I was devastated, and even now, a year later, I don’t understand what happened.
It’s hard to learn how to manage your life, and live in general, when the person who is so involved is suddenly gone. I don’t know how he dealt with the loss, but for me, I focused on Keeping The Faith. This blog, which has become so important to me, was born out the heartache of losing my friend.
He called to say hello and check in. When I heard his voice, I was not sure who it was for a second. When he said it was him, everything froze. I stopped breathing for a minute and thought I might pass out. I have never wanted to hang up the phone so badly, and started crying.
It took about 10 seconds for us to fall back into our friendship, and we spoke for about 20 minutes. It was really great to talk to him, and I am grateful that he called. There is a large part of my mind that knows we will never be friends again, and a small part of my heart, that prays for it everyday.
I was fine after he called. I had a moment of sadness, then quickly recovered. I thought about it for a second, tucked it away, and had a great weekend. I hung out with friends, worked out, went to a party, had a date, and all was good. Until last night, when I made a horrible decision.
I turned on the television to watch Celebrity Apprentice, and my TV was set to CBS, where they were airing The Academy of Country Music Awards. I got sucked in, and before I knew it, I was getting caught up in the music, and could not turn it off. By the time it was over, I was crying again.
Granted, this man crushed me in a way that I am not sure I will over recover from, but he also changed my life in profound ways, and the blog was born out of that loss. Last night, as I sat on my couch listening to country music, it occurred to me that maybe my destiny is to be a country music lyricist!
I’m listening to the songs about trucks, girls, love, hate, getting drunk, finding love, and losing love. As I listened to it all, I realized that our love affair, and the brutal crash that came when it ended, are the things that can inspire country music gold.
I listened to Lady Antebellum’s “Need You Now” twenty times. It made me laugh, cry and think. I listened to “Change”, by Taylor Swift, and I remembered everything he had ever said to me. Country music is not what I thought it was. It touches your heart, because it comes from the heart.
I’m going to expand my horizons. In addition to writing Keeping The Faith, I might have a couple of killer country music hits buried just beneath the surface of my broken heart. I have a newfound appreciation for the genre of country music, and my iPod has a new playlist.
To my friend, thank you for calling. I wrote last week asking Tennyson’s famous question, is it better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all? I answered that I did not think it was. Losing love is too painful, and I just don’t think it is worth going through.
Your call changed my mind. Time has healed my broken heart. Hearing your voice, listening to your laugh, finishing each other sentences, was great. I love you my friend. I feel blessed to have loved you, and grateful to have been loved by you. I wish you well. I hope you are happy. I hope you know you will not get any residuals from my chart topping country music career.
It turns out a repaired heart is just as capable of giving and receiving love, as one that has never been broken. I’m waiting for Lady Antebellum to call so I can deliver my chart-topping hit. To my friend, my very best friend, thanks for calling. To everyone who is healing a heart, keep the faith.