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April 14, 2011

Online Dating is Rude and Sex After 40 Can Be Hurtful

http://www.jewishjournal.com/blog/item/online_dating_is_rude_and_sex_after_40_is_the_most_hurtful_sex_there_is_201/

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I came across an interesting man on Match.Com yesterday.  I thought he was really handsome, and his profile was very entertaining.  Just the perfect combination of sarcasm and sincerity.  I thought he was funny and charming so I sent him an email.  Not a wink, or a poke, but a real email.

I let him know that I liked his profile, thought he sounded great, and said hello.  He wrote me back with a really sweet note that encouraged continued dialogue.  We wrote back and forth for most of the morning, exchanging a dozen emails.  At some point I decided we should talk on the phone.

I emailed it him my number and said he should give me a call so we can chat.  That was it.  After a morning of emails, with no more than 15 minutes between each correspondence, I never heard from him again.  Something interesting was beginning and in a flash it was over.

Honestly, I don’t get it, and quite frankly think it is rude.  Was it too hard for him to write and say he got my number and will call when he can? Is it too much to expect that if he were not interested, after he had given the indication that he was, he would send a note to tell me so?

I have never received an email through online dating where I did not respond.  It’s rude.  Just because you don’t know someone one, and are corresponding in a completely disconnected way, we are still human beings with feelings and should treat each other with a little bit of respect.

If someone has the balls to reach out to a stranger and say hello, the decent thing to do is to write them back.  Even if you are not interested, respect them and yourself enough to say you are not interested.  It’s the right thing to do.  Especially after there has been some exchange.

Our emails were not just fluff, they were fun and sweet and clearly we were both interested, so why not just say you do not want to continue, or are too busy to call?  Online dating is rude and since I don’t date women, I feel comfortable saying men are rude and have no dating manners.

I will go even farther and say men are also rude when it comes to sex.  My friend “Anna” has gone on 6 dates with a man called “Craig”.  They met on JDate and she was feeling good about him.  They went to the movies, dinner, even went horseback riding, and really enjoyed each other.

He set up special dates and it was about having fun and getting to know her.  I met him after date 4 and I thought he was great, funny and kind.  He is 40, divorced 3 years, and has a young daughter.  Anna is 41, also divorced and has 2 kids, one older and one younger than Craig’s.

I met him by accident as I was out for dinner and they happened to go to the same place.  We said hello, and spent a few minutes talking.  My first impression was good.  He seemed to like her as he stood there holding her hand.  She liked him, took her time, and did not rush.

After six dates, the sixth one being this past Sunday night, they had sex.  All the kids were with their other parents, they were at his house, had dinner, rented a movie, and ended up sleeping together.  She actually spent the night which is nice because leaving after sex is not great.

In the morning they had coffee, he walked her to her to the car, kissed her good-bye, and said he would call her later in the day.  It is now Thursday morning and he has still not called her.  Yesterday she panicked and called him but it went to voicemail and he has not called back.

That is incredibly rude and I am sad for my friend because her feelings are hurt, she is embarrassed, and kicking herself for having sex.  No matter how great sex is, when you sleep with someone and he does not call, it instantly becomes bad sex and makes you feel horrible.

This is why sex after 40 is so hurtful.  We are old enough to understand the emotional baggage that comes with sex, and smart enough to appreciate manners and know that they are important.  The thing is, no matter how old we get as women, we are still just girls and we have feelings.

If you are going to sleep with us, call us after.  Even if you are not interested, just let us know.  If we have great sex, and you don’t want to see us again, or perhaps you don’t want to date us but want to continue having sex, just tell us.  We are grown ups and we can take it.

If you think women in their 40’s are not sitting around waiting for you to call us after sex, you are right.  We are not waiting.  We are however expecting a call.  That’s how it works when you are adults.  You have sex, and you call after.  It’s manners, not brain surgery

To not call however is rude.  Strangers are rude, men that have seen you naked should not be rude.  Men that show interest and allow you to let your guard down, should not be rude.  It’s not that hard gentlemen.  Just call.  If you can screw a girl, you should be able to call her.

To my darling friend Anna, I’m sorry you are feeling sad.  Do not let this schmuck make you feel bad.  You are beautiful and smart and he is an idiot. He may still call and if he does, be strong and value yourself.  To Craig, grow up.  Men and manners?  I’m keeping the faith.

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