November 10, 2013
Motherhood: The Waiting Game
From the moment I got pregnant I started to wait. It took me a long time, and a lot of infertility treatments to get pregnant, and when I found out I was going to have a baby my life became a waiting game. I was nervous during my pregnancy and so I would wait for my doctor appointments, and go more often than was necessary, just so I could be calm.
My son was due January 11th. I had him January 18th, and so I waited. I waited for him to sleep, waited for him to wake up, waited for him to walk, waited for him to sit, waited for him to talk, waited for him to be quiet. I wait for him to drive, wait for him to get home, wait for him to call, and wait for him to ask me for money. There is a lot of waiting.
Don't even get me started on my literal waiting on him. I cook his breakfast, lunch and dinner, bus his table, do his dishes, and have never once been left a tip. I do his laundry, pay for his gas, and still no tip. I wonder what would happen if I refused him service. Waiters do it all the time. Who am I kidding? I like waiting on him, I just don't like waiting for him.
I spend a lot of my time these days waiting for him to spend time with me. He is busy with friends, school, activities, and college applications. I know he has a lot of things going on, and wants to spend time with a lot of people during his senior year, but I want him all to myself. I am not sure what I will do when he goes away to school, and so I wait again.
It is one thing to wait for your child when you know he is coming home. Whether at school or out with his friends, I know he is coming home at some point and so it is easy. Stressful as he is driving himself around, but easy in that I know he will be tucked in his bed at night. When he is at university, which may be in another country, it will be hard.
I am not sure if my son knows how much waiting I do because there are times he seems to be unaware, and not particularly concerned with my waiting. Maybe when he has his own child he will get it, but maybe not. I raised him alone and God willing he will raise him with a loving wife and other children, so the burden of waiting will be shared.
This weekend was a lot of waiting. Waiting that involved crying. He went out on Friday night with friends. His night out turned into him coming home at midnight with three friends. They slept over and I made them all a huge breakfast on Saturday morning. My son went to drive his friends home and I did not see him again until after 11:00 at night.
Driving them home turned into hanging at the mall, which turned into lunch, which turned into hanging out at a friend’s house, which tuned into dinner, which turned into going back to the mall. He came home exhausted and went straight to bed. He then got up at 7:30 Sunday morning and went to some trade show for vintage posters or something.
He got home just in time for me to start working. I have spent no time with him this weekend and it makes me sad. It also makes me a little bit angry. I want to be selfish and hide his car keys so he is stuck with me. I know it is silly, but I miss him. I want him to need me. I also want him to make me a priority in terms of his time, which is ridiculous.
He is a wonderful human being and I am blessed to be his mother, so I wait. I suppose motherhood is about waiting forever. I will now prepare to wait for him to visit, wait for his kids to come over, wait for him to look at his children the way I look at him, and know that I did my job right. Motherhood is all about blessings, waiting, and keeping the faith.