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April 24, 2012

Important Dating Rule: Don’t Ask Trick Questions

http://www.jewishjournal.com/blog/item/important_dating_rule_dont_ask_trick_questions_20120424/

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I understand that people lie.  It happens millions of times, every single day, by millions of people.  Lies can hurt, but do they hurt more or less than the truth?  There is a very clear line between a telling a lie and deceiving someone, so I wonder if I would ever choose a lie over the truth.

I have raised my son to not lie, and with the exception of some recent issues with getting homework done, he does not lie.  He will at some point I suppose, because that is the way of the world, but I hope when faced with telling the truth over a lie, he will choose to always tell the truth.

There are different rules for different subjects of course, but still, should the truth not trump a lie?  Especially in a relationship?  If you are in a relationship, whether its something just beginning or something long standing, is it not in the best interest of moving forward to tell the truth?

Ashley Madison has become a multi-million dollar company by encouraging people to lie.  They believe that lying in a relationship is not only good, but can actually make your relationship better. They preach that if you have sexual relations outside of your relationship, it will make it stronger.

If a woman asks a man if she looks fat in a certain dress, the answer should always be you look beautiful.  If she does look fat in the dress, is it a lie to tell her she looks beautiful, or is it just giving her the answer that she was fishing for?  If you answer with her right answer, is it a lie?

Can you sleep with two people at one time and love only one?  Is it possible to be in a committed and loving relationship with one person, and have meaningless but satisfying sex with someone else?  Can great sex really be had with no emotional or intellectual connection from either of you?

Do the rules change if you are not talking about sex? My son lied about his homework and it hurt my feelings, but is it going to damage our relationship? If a man lists his height on JDate as 5’11” but he is 5’5”, it is a lie but is it also a deal breaker?  When does a lie become unforgivable?

I don’t forgive easily.  By easily of course I mean rarely ever.  I just don’t forgive.  I am a decent human being and so I expect the same from the people I am decent to.  It makes me lovely, but also stupid because it sets me up for disappointment because there are expectations.

I am dating someone new and we are doing the dance that people do when they are getting to know each other and develop feelings.  He is a wonderful man.  I truly adore him and beyond that, I love his children and flutter at how he is with my son.  It’s all very special and exciting.

I asked my new gentleman friend a question last weekend that I had no business asking.  I was curious about his past relationships so I asked.  It was a stupid question, in the same category as do I look fat in this dress?  A ridiculous question that I chose the answer to ahead of time.

I thought there was only one way to answer, but he gave me something else.  It was not wrong, simply the truth.  I asked a trick question and he gave me the truth. I was stunned for a minute because it was not the answer I expected, but it was shocking that he actually answered truthfully.

This man was more concerned with the truth than lying to give me the answer I wanted.  Did this make him mean and hurtful?  If he knew the truth would hurt me, and determined in a split second that a lie would hurt me more, does that make him a decent human being?

I don’t want to make the question into a big deal because it’s not.  I asked a lame question and he answered.  It’s not about the question as much as it was about the answer.  I was hurt by the truth because I was being a girl.  If he had lied I would have probably not believed him anyway.

I am raising my son to be a decent human being and a good man.  It is a difficult challenge to not put my girl issues on him.  I would never advise him to tell a woman she looks fat in a dress, but what about the hundreds of other trick questions women ask when fishing for answers?

I learned a lot about myself this weekend, and even more about the man I am dating.  I discovered I would rather be hurt by the truth than a lie.  I respect the truth and so that is what I want.  I learned that this man who I am doing the relationship dance with is decent and kind.

When given the opportunity to lie, he opted for the truth and did not buy into my manipulative questions.  He was a mensch.  He answered with our future as a factor, and that was brave.  A lie can come back to haunt you and he wanted to ensure that did not happen.

I am raising a boy to be a man, and dating a man who refuses to act like a boy.  Relationships are hard but I am blessed the man I am raising is helping me embrace the man I am dating.  I am on a path to love.  That is the truth, and truth matters so I am keeping the faith.

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