December 28, 2010
Friend, Foe, Forgiveness, Faith & a Man in a Box
I know a lot of people and have many, many acquaintances. I also have a small, really good circle of friends. They are a blessing because my family lives far away, so they are more than just my friends, they are a support system and surrogate family to both me and my son.
I am a great listener. I am supportive, nurturing, and can listen to people talk forever. I am not really big on talking about myself though. Hard to believe since I write a blog about my life, but there is a difference between writing about your life and sharing secrets.
I have an acquaintance who over the course of the past year has become my friend. We are very close and share a lot of secrets. Nothing bad or anything that would put us in prison, but things that shape a life and help define who you are as a woman, a mom, and a human being.
Yesterday this friend, who I love, became a foe. My heart was broken by a bad judgment call and I don’t know how to let it go. I shared something that was personal, and my friend chose to share it with someone else. Someone that I never would have told in a million years.
I am now struggling with a feeling of loss. I feel that I have lost my friend because trust is gone. It’s not about forgiveness. I forgive my friend for the mistake, but my challenge is forgiving myself for letting my guard down with someone that perhaps I should not have trusted.
Nobody died, nobody was hurt, nobody cares, but it hurt my feelings and feels like a betrayal so what do I do about that? My friend asked if our friendship did not matter enough to forgive, but for me the question is did our friendship not matter enough to expect loyalty?
I am a wonderful friend. I am able to give unlimited support and care, without judgment, to those I love and expect nothing in return. I have embraced this friend in a way I never have before, so to see there was no loyalty is crushing and I am somewhat broken.
I’ve been upset all day. Did not sleep, and am sad. I went to Petco to get food for the two fluff balls who are my starter kit to Cat Lady status. On my way in, a lovely man, who lives in a box and has no teeth, asked me if I could spare any change. I gave him a dollar and wished him well.
He then said he would like to use his earnings to buy me a drink. Maybe it’s because I was sad, or maybe it’s because my last date was a dud. (By last date of course I mean last dozen dates.) But it was fabulous, made me laugh, and put a smile on my face.
I thanked him for the invitation and politely let him know I would have to pass. It was not the box, the lack of teeth, or the smell of urine, as much as it was that I heard him ask out another woman as I walked from my car to the store. Even the homeless guy is a player.
It puts things into perspective. I must remember to count my blessings and focus on faith. It has always shown me the way in the past and it will guide me through this too. I have survived bigger things than the betrayal of a friend, and am still 12 cats away from being a Cat Lady.
At the end of the day does any of it really matter? A trust was broken, a friend became a foe, forgiveness will come, faith will be tested, and a homeless guy thinks I’m hot. It could always be worse and will definitely get better so I will pour myself a glass of wine and keep the faith.