Jewish Journal


April 20, 2013

Dating, Decency, Douchebags UPDATED



Is it too much to ask that people be decent when dating?  If you are looking to get laid, looking for love, or not even sure what you are looking for, why can’t you just be decent?  Why is it so hard to take the feelings of others into consideration when dating?  I truly just don’t get people. I respond to everyone who writes me when I’m online dating.  I know it takes courage to put yourself out there, so even if I am not interested, I will thank them for the interest and wish them luck.  It is not brain surgery, just common decency.  I am annoyed by it all.

Last night I came home after a very long day, cancelled my plans with friends and opted to just relax and not do anything.  I had a nice bath, put on my favorite pajamas, and watched Bridget Jones’s Diary. Perfect. I made some popcorn, gathered up the cat, and opened a bottle of wine. Well that was my first mistake. Before I was even aware of what was happening, I texted the Englishman.  Some drunken rant about how much I miss him.  Dear Lord. It was sent about 9:00 pm and I truly have no recollection of sending it.  Damn you Francis Ford Coppola.

So I sent a text. Not cool. Also not cool that he never responded.  I was obviously blabbering and in distress, but nothing.  No “Are you okay?” “Are you safe?” Nothing. This man, who I loved for over a year, and built a life with, did not bother to check in and make sure I was fine. One could argue that we are broken up and he owes me nothing, but I disagree.  What he owes me, is decency.  I loved him and his children, and allowed him to love me and my child, so while he has moved on from it all, he does actually owe me, at the very least, some common decency.

It would have been nice if he had checked on me.  He reads my blog and knows what is going on with me, but I don’t know what is going on with him.  That is weird, and hurtful.  He gets to break my heart, then watch it go back and forth between healing and cracking more, but I get nothing, which is hard.  Why so selfish?  By selfish of course I mean dumb. He continues to hurt me, so I’m the dumb one. In an attempt to move on, I wrote a man on JDate and explained he was my first email and should write me back so I was not scarred by the entire experience.

We actually ended up writing several times.  He was funny, along with being handsome.  We chatted online late one night as he was on a business trip.  I gave him my number and told him to call when he got back to LA.  That was it.  I never heard from him again.  It’s now been a week. It would have taken a minute to write and tell me he was not interested. There are a million things one can say to get rid of a girl, the easiest being the truth.  I’m just not that into you.  Instead he opted to ignore me, which, as silly as it sounds, hurts my feelings.

I was decent and he could have been decent.  It is not a big deal if he does not want to continue talking, but it is a big deal if he thinks blowing someone off is ok. We know what each other looks like, and we know the basics, so are we strangers? Men are driving me to drink.  Normally that would be fun, but now I seem to be drinking and texting, which is a very bad combination. Note to self. No more texting when drinking, and no apology texts in the morning, blaming the wine. Yes.  I actually did that too. I need to read Brandi Glanville’s book again!

This morning I was surprised when shown not all men are douchebags.  Well they may be, but some are also decent.  I got an email from a man who is 38 years old. He wrote a beautiful note, and while I was flattered, I don’t date men who are younger or not Jewish.  I let him know I appreciated the interest and wished him well.  He wrote to say my reply was odd since I wrote in my profile I date men as young as 38.  It was obvious my sister had been looking around for me and changed my age range.  God bless her for trying to think outside the box

I called my sister to let her know I was onto her, changed the ages to be correct, then wrote him back and let him know my sister was out of control.  He wrote and asked what exactly I was looking for.  I told him I was not really looking as much as I was healing a broken heart, and just trying it out more for my sister than me. This man, this stranger, then wrote me the kindest of notes.  He decided, when given the opportunity to blow me off, that he would be decent. The Jewish men I met could not do what this Italian was able to do. He was a real mensch.

His note read in part: “I got an idea... why don't you come to the park tomorrow, we can walk my dog. Sounds like you need a good hug.”  He will never know how much it meant to me that he was kind.  To this lovely man, thank you for being decent.  The minute it took you to be nice will stay with me forever. To the man who blew me off after I gave him my number, I wish you well on your search for love, and decency.  As for the Englishman, I’ve got nothing for you. To those who are dating, remember that people have taken a giant leap and a little respect is deserved.

I am fine, putting myself out there, and the truth is that some days are better than others.  They say time heals so I hope slow and steady wins this race.  Some lucky girl will find my new Italian hero and he will make her happy.  Someone will not be decent to the douchebags, and maybe it will help them behave better.  As for me, I have finally deleted the Englishman’s phone number and email from my phone so I can’t text during my next drunken stupor.  We all know I’ll have another one, maybe tonight, so I’m protecting myself, and keeping the faith.

I heard from all three of these men today. I was not surprised really because I am one who thinks that while you may need to help them along on the path to decency, people are inherently kind.  I was not even surprised by what they all said. They made me laugh, think, and in the end, move on.  It is fascinaing that sometimes you can get hit in the head with a brick and not snap out of something, yet other times a subtle and seemingly nothing exchange,  can be the thing to knock some sense into you.  That is the case here.

The Italian wrote to thank me for the blog, and say the offer of a hug is always there. The JDater wrote a very well written email to let me know that while he could have been more decent, it is not always about me, and his not writing was not about me, as much as life happening and me not being on the top of his list of things to do.  It was not harsh, but rather honest, hilarious, and 100% correct.  Poor guy got caught up in the emotions of my crap, without even knowing it.  It's a shame I blew that one, but live and learn.

The Englishman also got in touch.  He opted to text me, which is hilarious.  He apologized for not responding to my drunk text, or my apology for the drunk text.  After the relationship we had, I was still not worth a call, just a text.  It took this text to show me I am over him.  He is not who I thought he was. I suppose I put blinders on to what I did not want to see about him, and focused only on the fairytale.  I thought he was Prince Charming, but in the end he was the villain and my romantic heart betrayed me.

I am done humilating myself and certainly done with crying over a man that was not worthy of my heart.  I met an interesting man at a party yesterday who said some enlightening things about life, love, and God.  My life is blessed, my heart is capable of great love, and God is on my side.  Time for a fresh start.  No more blogs about the Englishman.  It is over, I am fine, and love is in my furture.  I want it, need it, deserve it, and confident that next time I will see things clearly, so I am keeping the faith.



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