September 16, 2013
Dating 101: Talking Sex, Monogamy with Dr. Limor Blockman
Have you ever noticed when you go out to eat there are always couples and none of them are talking? I went to dinner last week with my son and we were surrounded by couples. Some wearing wedding rings, some not, but as my son and I talked and laughed our way though dinner, the four couples around us hardly spoke at all.
The married couple to the left of me did not speak , not one word, for 20 minutes. The couple sitting behind my son spoke about how good the food was, but that was it. The couple behind me were talking, but they were clearly having an argument, while the couple to my right were both on their phones the entire time.
It got me to thinking about relationships and marriage. A lot of my married friends do not have active sex lives. My single friends are having more sex than my married friends, and also having more sex than my friends in committed relationships. According to my unscientific poll, the key to having great sex is to stay single.
The great thing about marriage is that there is monogamy. Well, one hopes there is monogamy, but you have to wonder since so many marriages include infidelity. If we search for the safety of monogamy, are we kidding ourselves? Is monogamy an unrealistic expectation of any human being? I wanted answers and so I reached out to Dr. Limor Blockman.
I met Dr. Blockman for lunch and was totally surprised by her. She is a renowned Clinical Sex Counselor, educator, columnist, speaker and author. She holds a PhD in Human Sexuality, a Master’s in Public Health & Community Medicine, and a Bachelor’s in Psychology & Behavioral Sciences. She is soft spoken, warm and kind, with a slight Israeli accent.
Dr. Limor, as she is known, is very articulate. What is so fascinating about her is that she does not look as one would expect. Meeting her reminded me of the line in the movie “Working Girl” where the character Tess says, “I have a head for business and a body for sin.” Blockman looks more like she should work in porn than medicine, which is fantastic.
As we sat together she was admired by all the men, and shot dirty looks by all the women. I imagine it is quite interesting to have a brilliant medical mind in a body that demands to be looked at. People assume she is stupid, which is why she embarked on such an impressive education. She wanted to understand why human beings approach sex like we do.
Dr. :Limor is rather well known in Israel. She has hosted radio and television shows. She is able to view sex through her eyes as a woman, but also through the clinical mind of a doctor. To speak about sex with her is fascinating. The longer we spoke the more I was able to separate out my emotions and listen to her through my mind not my heart.
In speaking about sex and monogamy, Dr. Limor says that a life without passion is empty and sad. Humans are sexual beings and while passion comes in many forms, work and kids for example, touch matters and we are a species that benefits from it. The problem we have is that we often strive for what we are taught we want, not what we really want.
She says Hollywood is to blame for some of that, but also the moral compass that we are assigned as children. Sex is not taught to be a great thing that we can relax and enjoy, but rather as something that comes tied to love and marriage.The blurred line between lust and love causes confusion, particularly for women who are so driven by emotions.
We are taught that sex is to be meaningful and important, but we are not taught to enjoy it. Would love and relationships be more fulfilling if we were able to fulfill our sexual needs as a priority? Do we have a fear of being alone, which makes us forego sexual needs? When sex ends in a relationship, why do people accept no sex before trying to rekindle it?
Dr. Limor says the biggest mistake that women make is to fake it. Fake what? Anything! Don’t fake emotions, or ideas, or orgasms. In terms of emotions, if you are not in love, don’t say it. With ideas, if your partner has an idea or suggestions in terms of sex and you don’t want to do it, don’t. If you are not having an orgasm, teach your partner how to give you one.
Women are blessed with the ability to be orgasmic for long periods of time, and a frequent number of times, so if you are not experiencing it, you need to. Women can be so wound up in what our partners think of us, that we are often not ourselves in bed, not relaxed, and not getting what we want. We spoke a lot about orgasms before we even got to monogamy.
Dr. Limor does not think human beings are monogamous by nature, but rather by choice, and the choice takes a lot of work. Sex also takes a lot of work and the missionary position, with the same partner, over and over again, is not going to cut it. If you want monogamy you need to make sex great. I agree. Sex is a powerful bound and the better it is, the more powerful.
Dr. Limor said that we don’t meet our soul mates, but we do meet people we can make into our soul mates. That was a very interesting statement and while I have thought since I was a little girl that my Beshert was looking for me, how much easier will the search for be if you go into it knowing you can find a person and make them forever, rather than expecting it?
Speaking with Dr. Limor was truly a revelation. She changed how I not only see myself, but how I see her. She is brave and bold, and while I am too, she takes it to a whole other level. I found myself thirsty for her knowledge. I am a woman searching for love and a couple of hours with this woman enlightened me. Perhaps I have been looking for the wrong thing.
I view my romantic life through rose colored glasses, which has been both a blessing a curse. It is a blessing in that I am able to love deeply with trust and faith. It is a curse because when someone breaks your glasses, the shock is often impossible to overcome. I did not expect lunch with a sex therapist to give me such clarity into my heart and soul.
Dr. Limor understands how human beings think in terms of love and sex, and since she reads my blogs, she went into our meeting knowing quite a bit about me. She cut to the chase quickly and without pointing fingers or criticizing my choices, she allowed me to look at my love life and gently suggested that perhaps another path would reap better rewards.
I asked Dr. Limor to describe herself in three words and she chose open, passionate, and adventurous. She is all those things to be sure, but if I were to pick my own three words, they would be smart, warm, and aware. She speaks about love, sex, relationships, and purpose in a way that is not crude or intimating. Her words left me inspired to keep the faith.