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August 21, 2013

Dating 101: Loving Kids When Love is Gone

http://www.jewishjournal.com/blog/item/dating_101_loving_kids_when_love_is_gone/

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I have had no contact with my ex-boyfriend for months.  I have spent all that time hopeful we would be able to be friends one day.  I truly thought our relationship was something special and we would be able to get over the hurt and come to a place of friendship.  It has not happened, and the truth is it probably never will.  I have been waiting for something that makes no sense, and in the end something that is unrealistic.

I was contacted last week by his children.  I have not seen them in months, and our communication has been very minimal.  It has been a source of pain for me because I love these two sisters very much. I respect them as people, think they are remarkable women, and have been sad to not have contact.  I felt it was not my place to reach out, so I shut out these girls to protect myself, which was not right.

Last night my son and me had dinner with the girls.  I was nervous and felt anxious about it all day.  I cried at the sight of them and was touched by the beautiful bouquet of flowers they brought me.  We laughed and cried and got caught up.  We spoke of their father of course, but it was not about him, it was about us.  We have a deep love for each other and that they want to continue a relationship with me is very special.

When I met them I loved them because of their father.  Now I love them in spite of their father.  They are not my children, but they are my friends, and they matter to me.  I want to be there for them in any way that they need, and I did not realize it until last night. I was so worried about doing the wrong thing, that I did not notice I was actually doing the wrong thing.  If there is blame to be placed, it must be placed on me.

This is not about my past relationship.  I loved him and I would not change that.  I love him now and I always will.  I cannot punish his children or myself that it didn’t work out.  My son loves these girls.  They are like siblings and they have all kept their distance out of loyalty and love to their parents.  As parents however, we need to encourage children to stay connected to each other.  They have a close bond and it matters.

I am a lucky woman to have loved this man and the best parts of him are these two young women.  I feel blessed that they were strong enough to reach out to me,  It was hard for them because they were unsure if I would be receptive. In the end there is love and we are lucky that we got back on track.  I went to bed feeling devastated by the visit, but woke up feeling happy, content and restored.  It is a good day.

I have these girls back in my life and it is wonderful.  Their father knew of their plans to see me and that he did not try to stop it makes me happy.  He may not be able to be my friend, but that he is okay with my being friends with his children is lovely.  I wish him nothing but good things and I hope he is happy.  Life goes on and I am lucky that these children loved me enough to reach out, hang on, and keep the faith.

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