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October 6, 2013

Dating 101: Good, Bad, Ugly & Good Again

http://www.jewishjournal.com/blog/item/dating_101_good_bad_ugly_good_again/

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It has been a complicated week in my dating life.  I was reminded of my past relationship in a way that has released me and allowed me to finally move forward.  It has been seven months since the Englishman decided to be a coward and break my heart. This week rather than be sad about it, I was able to clearly see I dodged a bullet.  He is not the man I thought he was and I am done thinking about him in any way other than as an asshole.

He wrote me a shocking email this week. After months of no contact, he actually wrote a lovely note.  By lovely of course I mean childish and vile.  Any hope I had for some sign of kindness is now gone.  It no longer matters if he apologizes for what he did because I don’t care anymore.  It is sad that as women we need closure to include an apology. Especially when we expect it from men who are incapable of giving it.

The revelation is not about his not being worthy of me as much as it is about me deserving better.  I hung onto a relationship that was unfulfilling because he lied and I believed him.  It is not his fault though.  Blame is not necessary but if it must be assigned, I will own it.  I should have known better, actually did know better, and opted to stay anyway.  It was not just his note that changed things for me.  It was meeting a different kind of man.

I have met a man we will call “Coach”.  He has been courting me for two weeks and it has been really interesting.  He is kind and funny, but also a great communicator.  We are clear with each other.  Clear on how we express who we are and what we want.  He has taken the time to get to know me.  He is secure enough to not be intimidated by how I share my life, and strong enough to make me feel like he has my back.  He is  a nice man.

It is an added bonus that he is tall, dark, and handsome.  He stands 6’4”, has kind eyes, is Jewish, and makes me flutter.  I have been dating and trying to move on but it has proven to be difficult.  When you love someone and they stop loving you back, or perhaps never really loved you at all, it is debilitating.  I have been forcing myself to move on and Coach has made me realize I could not move because I was not ready or available.

I am realistic enough to know he may be blowing smoke up my ass and not as great as he is appears, but in the end that does not matter.  The important thing here is I am ready.  We take pieces of all past relationships with us into the next one, but the trick is to remember them so we can learn, not hang onto them so tightly they kill any shot in hell we have of finding love again.  By love of course I mean the love we have for ourselves.

I write a lot about the Englishman and now I am done.  We were together for a long time and had built a life together, so it has been very hard to let go.  This weekend however, I finally did.  I am not able to let go of all the pain, but I am in a place where I can see it for what it was, remember the good things, and stop punishing myself for it not working out. A door was finally slammed shut in my face and it caused a window to fly open.

Through Coach I am reminded love is something I need in my life and relationships don't need to be hard.  I don’t know if love will be found with him.  I don’t even know if dating past this week will be our path, but I do know I think he is terrific.  I am not comparing him to anyone, embracing who is on his own, and letting my guard down a little bit. At the end of the day maybe a girl needs a good Coach to teach her how to keep the faith.

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