September 1, 2013
Crack, an Empty Nest, a New Girlfriend & Taco Night
This week, while running an errand in Hollywood, I came upon a young man on the street. He looked a little bit like Jesus as he had a beard and was wearing a long white tunic of some kind. As I approached him, he asked me if I had any spare crack. I stopped for a second because I was not sure I heard him correctly. He asked again if I had any crack to spare.
I think I may have chuckled and quickly informed him I did not have any extra crack. It was about 90 degrees so I asked him if he would like a bottle of water. I had a nice cold bottle in my bag and was happy to give it to him. He said no thanks, he just needed the crack. He thanked me for the offer and told me to have a good day. It was all very strange.
As I walked off I wondered about this young man and how it was that he got to where he was. It was both sad and funny that he turned down the water. I was also curious if anyone walking along Sunset Boulevard actually had some spare crack for him. This man was someone’s child and as I drove home thinking of him, I started to cry. He was a tragic figure to me.
When I see someone else’s child suffering it makes me think of my own child. My son is amazing and I love him very much. He is away for the long weekend in San Francisco and it has been hard for me. He will be going to college next year and every time he is away now, I feel the sadness of an empty nest. It will be very hard for me when he goes away to school.
It is an accomplishment for me to even say he is going away. I figure baby steps are required and if I keep saying he is going, when he actually goes, I will be prepared. That won’t happen, but I’m trying. I’m emotional this weekend with him gone. I have been home and feeling a little sorry for myself as I found out the Englishman has himself a new girlfriend.
In the months since we broke up, or rather since he broke up with me, I have been heartbroken and thought he must also be sad that we did not work out. Turns out he has been just fine and began dating a woman almost immediately after we broke up. If I am going to be honest, I will acknowledge he was probably dating her while we were together too.
We have not been together for months and it was silly to think he was not seeing anyone just because I wasn’t, but it still makes me sad that he recovered so quickly. It makes our love look irrelevant when he found new love so quickly. Ridiculous for me to even be thinking this way, but I am a girl and this is how we roll. We are ruled by emotion not logic.
As I sat at home wallowing in self-pity, my friend Brandi invite me over for taco night with her and her kids. I accepted but immediately started to think of reasons not to go. The thought of actually getting out of bed seemed impossible, but in the end I figured I would go for a glass of wine and be back in bed in an hour. Turns out taco night eased my sorrow.
Our friend Jennifer came over and dinner quickly became a therapy session. My friends lifted me up and led me to the light. More importantly, they allowed me to see myself as they do, which is very different from how I was seeing my self. My friends see me as a strong, funny, beautiful, compassionate, and kind person. That is how I need to see myself.
When your heart is broken it affects your memory. You forget all the things that were wrong in your relationship, and it is your girlfriends who remind you of the bad stuff so you can see you are better off. I loved this man very much but in the end he was not the man for me. That is a difficult pill to swallow. It is natural to blame yourself, but it is exhausting.
My friends are beautiful women. It does not matter if you are a hobbit or a supermodel, when a woman’s heart breaks, it breaks the same for all of us. I have been so sad that being alone felt good. It took taco night with friends, and 4 rambunctious young boys running around, to snap me out of it. Being alone is not the answer to a broken heart, living life is the answer.
The best thing we can do for ourselves as women, is to see ourselves like our friends do. I had forgotten exactly how fabulous I am. I am not perfect, but I am a decent, kind, funny, and wonderful woman. I deserve to be with a man who sees these things and does not require me to change. I woke up today feeling good, knowing I am worthy, and keeping the faith.