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August 4, 2013

Cougars, Cat Ladies, Baby Steps & a Mechanic

http://www.jewishjournal.com/blog/item/cougars_cat_ladies_baby_steps_a_mechanic/

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I was recently written to by a man who is 38 and thinks I should take a chance and go out with him. At 47, that would make me a cougar.  I don’t date men who are younger than me, and I think the biggest age difference I’ve ever had in terms of a younger man was less than 3 years.  I am just not into younger men because at this age it can be a little complicated.

If a younger man has kids, they will probably be young and I am not interested in dating a man with young kids.  If they have no kids, they may say they don’t want any, but I’m not sure I believe that.  What if I date a younger man, we begin a relationship, then he decides he wants kids? I don’t want to have more kids, plus my eggs are poached.

In terms of an active sex life, one could argue that a younger man is a good thing.  They are perhaps more sexual than older men, but I would counter that older men can keep up, you just need to find one that still cares about sex in the same way that you do. A woman in her 40’s is at her sexual prime, and I can see the advantage to sexual relations with a young stud.

I view sex much differently now than I did a decade ago in my 30’s. There is a freedom that comes with knowing who you are. I love my body, am clear on what my talents are, and rather than focus on sucking in my stomach or making sure my hair lies perfectly on a pillow, I can focus on how great sex is and enjoy myself without over thinking the whole thing.

I am still a girl of course, so there is a certain amount of crap in what I say in terms of sex, because at my core I want a real relationship, not just a sex partner.  There is the challenge.  I am at a place where my sex can be really great, but there is nobody to have sex with.  It would appear that options for women my age lean towards being a cougar, or a cat lady.

My son has a cat.  She is beautiful and I love her, but she is his cat and he adores her.  I felt bad for her being home alone a lot, so I got her a cat. The cat has a cat, and I have no cats.  I care for them for my son, but they are not mine.  Now he will go off to university next year and leave the cats with me, but they will still be his cats, so I am not a cat lady.

With every bad date I think I should visit the animal shelter, get a cat for myself and call it a day.  Important to note that I am allergic to cats and having these animals in my home has resulted in my taking daily allergy medication.  In the end I am not a good candidate to be a cat lady, and have no interest in being a cougar, so where does that leave me?

I am at a crossroad and frustrated to be in an emotional holding pattern.  I am a woman who loves deeply and wants love in her life.  I am at my best in a relationship.  Not because I need a man, but because I like what comes with being in a relationship. Friendship, trust, communication, sex, partnership, and not being lonely.  I want those things for myself.

I recently met a man who has changed things up a bit.  We will call him the Mechanic.  We had a great connection on the phone, but our first date was a bit of a struggle in terms of conversation.  That said, I felt drawn to him in a way I have not felt in a while. We had enough of a nice time to go out again. Second dates are a big deal to me, so this was interesting.

Important to note that he is not really a mechanic.  I generally refer to people on my blog by their work, place of origin, or sometimes by the food they eat, but in this case I was not sure what to use.  In the end he is like a great mechanic in that he is tweeking me to make me run smoothly. To clarify, I don't need him to fix me, but it does feel good to be restored.

I saw him last night and it was wonderful.  I like him and there is no bullshit because everything is out on the table.  He knows I am struggling with trust and heartache, and he proceeds with caution.  He is allowing me to find my way without pressure, and I appreciate it.  We talk about things without fear, which is liberating.  He is a lovely man and makes me laugh.

There are no expectations, rules, or demands.  He is finding his way also, and that takes pressure off.  We are becoming friends, which is important.  He is a phenomenal kisser, which is also important.  In not having to define what we are, I am able to be myself.  I have moments of bravery that he embraces, and moments of fear, which he allows me to have.

The Mechanic appears to be a good man. I don’t know what we are doing, and it does not matter, because for the first time in months I feel like I am taking steps forward.  Baby steps, but still steps.  I was frozen for a long time and he has gently taken my hand and pulled me ahead, without giving me a push I am not ready for. We are going slow and being cautious.

When you meet someone wonderful and are not emotionally ready to meet them, it will never work.  If you allow yourself to get ready, and find a man who is willing to go slow while you figure it out, you are reminded there are good men, and if we can just get out of our own way, great things can happen. The key is to not think too much, go slowly, and keep the faith.

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