November 25, 2009 | 1:36 pm

Donny Osmond? Whatever!

Posted by Ilana Angel

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My son is going to the KISS concert tonight at the Staples Center and in a feeble attempt to be the coolest mom ever I am going with him.  We will be a group of 4 kids and 4 moms and I will be the crazy old lady in full KISS makeup who appears to have no sense of rhythm as I will be listening to Celine Dion on my iPod while I drown out the sound of KISS.  The things we do for our kids and for our kids of course I mean for ourselves as we try to be cool and stay young.

For my loyal followers you know that I love television and write about it quite often.  Well my darlings I am going to branch out and will be blogging all about television at www.thewrap.com starting this week.  It will be my no holds barred opinion about the shows that I love and hate and while I am not one to be completely open with my opinions I will try really hard to be honest.  Keeping the Faith will continue as it is my blogging baby and I’m not giving it up until there is a ring on my finger and by ring on my finger of course I mean that I would be happy to have a date that does not make me want to pull all my hair out and chew on glass.

Do you think that there is any possibility that JDate is black listing me?  Perhaps I have made one too many hell train references and so they are secretly sabotaging my search for love.  I hate to sound paranoid but I wrote to 3 men on the train and not one wrote back, not even an acknowledgement that I wrote so I wonder if they even got the email.  I have listed my preferences in terms of who I am looking for but the people who write are either in their 20’s or 60’s so I can’t help but wonder.  JDate, why so angry?  It would behoove you to have me find love because then I will get off the hell train and onto the love train.  I’m just saying.

I am disgusted that Donny Osmond won Dancing With The Stars and while I know it is supposed to be about dancing let’s get real people, this was about the popular vote and it would appear that the popular vote in America is made up of a bunch of homophobes.  His opinion about homosexuality is crazy and stupid and therefore, in my humble opinion, Donny Osmond is crazy and stupid.  When he started to sing Puppy Love for a split second I forgot he was a moron but then it all came back to me.  I wanted very much for Kelly Osbourne to win and am disappointed that a bunch of loons in middle America took it away from her because they are insane.

Steve Mcpherson has not called me and it is crushing because I thought for sure the blog from yesterday would seal the deal.  My darling Mr. McPherson, you need me and I will continue to remind you that you need me until you call me and by call me I mean hire and by hire me all I really mean is meet with me.  I’m very good at selling myself and not in a prostitution kind of way although one could argue that working in the entertainment industry requires you to sell yourself and so as long as I am selling myself and not my soul then I guess that’s good.  Call me before I kick into full on stalking mode and pull out the Extreme Home Makeover single mom card.

I am going to do my KISS research now so I can properly paint the face of my child so that Gene Simmons himself will be impressed.  I am dreading 2 hours of pounding rock and roll but I will spend the day with joy in my heart that I am able to share this experience with my son and the knowledge that Steve is going to call me today.  It will happen because this is a week of giving thanks in addition to keeping the faith.

November 24, 2009 | 11:27 am

ABC on ABC

Posted by Ilana Angel

Last night started out with a 21 year old writing me on JDate to ask if I wanted to date his dad who it turns out is only 40.  As I came to terms with this new phase of my dating life I was thankful for the ABC Television Network and by thankful of course I mean it’s time.  Time for Steve McPherson and I to have a meeting.

I have conducted endless hours of in depth market research in my state of the art research facility with the help of my two assistants, Pinot and Merlot, and after digging around the abc.com website we have concluded that what they really need is a blogger and I am the one person who is uniquely qualified for that position.

I laughed, cried, cheered and booed while watching Dancing With the Stars, Find My Family and Castle and realized that I really do love television and some of the best television is on ABC and maybe people don’t know it’s there or don’t understand how really great it is and what they need is a guide to walk them through.

How great would it be if you could go to abc.com every day and read a funny recap, what’s coming up, why to watch and what you are missing if you don’t? There could be a video diary with interviews and behind the scenes chats with the stars of the shows.  It would be both a dictionary and a cheering section for ABC.

The most important thing to note about my new job at ABC is that I would have to talk to attorneys, assistants, agents, publicists, managers and celebrities and the chances of my meeting a nice Jewish man through those channels may be the way to go so ultimately, the job is not only about helping the viewers of ABC but it’s about me and my search for love.

Now I don’t want to make a big deal out of it by asking my loyal followers to boycott ABC until they create this job for me because that would just set an ugly tone for my negotiations and by ugly tone of course I mean when I asked my people if they would boycott on my behalf they refused to miss an episode of V or the outcome of Dancing With The Stars.

To Mr. McPherson I say that at the very least we should have a meeting and you should hear my ideas because they are really good and I want to be a part of ABC.com and it would be great for both of us and if you don’t call me I will be forced to write about you every day until you call and that will just be uncomfortable.

Additionally, if I don’t hear from you by let’s say the end of next week, I will not only write about how you are ignoring me but I will pull the single mother, raising her son on her own, struggling to make ends meet while teaching her child about faith card and it will be a complete Extreme Home Makeover moment which we both know will be brutal.

Help me to help you Steve McPherson and by helping you of course I mean help me Steve McPherson.  It’s not just about my working for you and doing a job that I would love and be proud of, but it’s about finding me a nice Jewish husband and that is a mitzvah so do it for that reason in addition to the fact that I will make ABC.com a must visit site.

At the end of the day it’s out of my hands and all I can do is pray that this blog will get to you.  Pray and beg.  Pray, beg and dangle my son’s Mickey Mouse off my balcony until you call me.  To my followers I understand you not wanting to boycott and thank you for voting for Kelly.  I hope she wins tonight and either way you can be sure I’ll be talking about it tomorrow.

I hope you all have a wonderful day and if you have any contacts to the fabulous Steve McPherson make sure you tell him that he should hire me to blog.  It’s time that Angel’s Blogging Central was a part of abc.com.  That’s right people ABC on ABC is going to happen.  It’s just a matter of time and all I need to do is keep the faith.

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November 23, 2009 | 11:55 am

Matchmaker Matchmaker

Posted by Ilana Angel

With the holidays fast approaching and the end of the year in sight I decided to have Sunday brunch at my home with friends.  Life gets busy and we make plans to see each other but weeks turn into months so rather than just talk about it I made a plan.

It was a wonderful afternoon of food, friends and laughter.  What was really interesting is that it was a group of people who I am connected to but not necessarily connected to each other but it turns out that most of the group knew everyone through other people.

It’s strange how far reaching Jewish geography is and amazing how intertwined gay geography is.  It did not matter whose name was mentioned, someone in the group knew that person and we were all woven together which proves what a small world it is.

I have a slight accent and when people meet me for the first time they usually ask if I am Canadian and when I confirm that I am the next question will often be “Hey do you know Steve?  He’s from Canada.”  What are the chances I would know Steve?  Well, sometimes I actually do know Steve.

The six degrees of separation are fascinating and it begs the question:  if we are all connected and a group of 12 can know each other through a dozen different ways, how is it possible that this group, who we’ve discovered know a million people, can not fix me up with a nice Jewish guy?

My friends are no slackers and this particular group are all successful people who work in the entertainment industry or the Jewish community which one would think are the two best fields to look when you are searching for love and only date Jewish men.

I brought up the subject of getting fixed up and they dispersed like kids under a broken piñata.  It was entertaining and by entertaining of course I mean lame.  Why are people afraid to play matchmaker?  Is the fear that a bad set up will put a strain on the friendship?

In my case does the fear stem from having to say: “She is really great but you need to know that everything you say and do will be in the Jewish Journal.”  Do they not know I use aliases in my blog to protect the innocent?  For example nobody knows that “The Republican” is Joseph.

I have spectacular friends who I can count on and if I needed help they would be there in a mere moment to save me and that is special and important.  I have great friends because I am a great friend and with my family 3000 miles away friends are even more important.

I don’t understand why people are scared to set up their friends.  I never really hear about nightmare situations where a set up went wrong but I do hear all the time from couples that are in love and say friends set them up so to those couples I say I want to meet YOUR friends.

Of the dozen guests over yesterday they are all married or in loving and committed relationships and flaunting their happiness was almost unbearable and by unbearable of course I mean that I covet it and I am not ashamed to admit that I covet.  I am not jealous or envious I simply covet.

To my Sunday brunch guests I say get over yourselves and start digging into your files and find me a nice Jewish guy.  If I can’t count on you then whom can I count on?  I am mere moments away from getting another cat and covering my furniture in plastic.

I feel the need to point out to the people who are writing right now to say I am pathetic and desperate and will never find love because I am looking too hard, thanks.  Got it.  I appreciate your concern and value your opinions but no need to write me again.

This will be a short week with yummy food, fabulous shopping and exciting football.  Be safe and happy and when you go through your address books to reconnect with people for the holidays keep me in mind for a fix up.  I’m standing by and as always, keeping the faith.

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November 20, 2009 | 2:49 pm

Cesar Milan: Love Whisperer

Posted by Ilana Angel

Parker and Daisy

After spending countless hours and insane amounts of money searching for love I have discovered what has been missing from my plan.  It turns out there is one sure fire thing that opens the door to meeting men and I feel quite comfortable saying that it is guaranteed to also work for men wanting to meet women.  What is this magical thing you ask?  A DOG!

As you know I own a cat and we all know that the quickest way to turn a man off is to say you have a cat and I’d be willing to guess that nine times out of ten when a man says he is allergic to cats he really isn’t allergic so much as he thinks on some level you are a crazy cat lady so he lies as a way to quickly run for the hills.

Cesar Milan is the world famous Dog Whisperer and I wonder if he has ever thought about branching out to also become a Love Whisperer because this man has a gold mine within his grasp and all he needs to do is start holding singles mixers for people with dogs who are looking for love and voila, he is the Dog/Love Whisperer.

Last night I dog sat for Parker who is a Labradoodle who belongs to my friends Michelle and Jeff and let me just say that I love this dog.  She is so sweet and may be the best dog ever.  She is gentle, has a great personality and I like hanging out with her.  She follows me around like a dog, which is so cute and not surprising since she is in fact a dog.

When we went for a walk every single person that passed us stopped to say hello and touch her fluffy head.  People smiled and asked about her and asked how my day was and wished me well and were kind and sharing and it was as if Parker brought out the best in people which was lovely and I felt all was well in the world.

When a man stopped his run to say hello to Parker and the sweat was glistening on his brow and his muscles were twitching and his hair fell into his eyes as he looked up from his crouched position of patting Parker life was good and by good I mean I heard violins and he had to ask me what kind of dog she was three times before I heard him over the fire works.

My friend Laurel has a Chihuahua whose name is Daisy and she is a dainty little girly girl who wears clothes. She looks like the complete opposite of Parker yet the reactions are exactly the same.  Everyone stops to talk when you have a dog no matter what kind of dog you have.

The animal magnetism is only there with a dog because when I put my cat Fiddles in a baby bjorn and took her for a walk around the block people not only did not stop to talk to us but actually crossed the street to get away and gave me the “Oh my gawd look at the crazy cat lady” look.

I am offering my dog watching services to Parker and Daisy anytime they want to hang out and by hang out of course I mean I am going to blatantly use their cuteness to meet men and if that means that I need to steal them and pass them off as my own then I am going to do it and Michelle, Jeff and Laurel will have to sacrifice their dogs to my love life.

Should Cesar decide to branch out into matchmaking, and even though I am a fake part time dog owner, I will be the first one to sign up with Parker and Daisy.  To all the beautiful dogs who are in shelters right now waiting for people to save them, your day is coming so keep the faith.

Shabbat Shalom

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November 19, 2009 | 2:24 pm

Starbucks

Posted by Ilana Angel

I can’t remember when going to Starbucks became an acceptable date but meeting someone for a cup of coffee is not a date it’s an interview and I think it’s unacceptable and am so surprised when people write on their JDate profiles that their idea of a perfect first date is meeting at Starbucks.

I understand from a man’s perspective that if he is going out on a lot of dates it can get really expensive taking women out for lunch, dinner or drinks but I would rather go dutch on a real date that have him buy me a cup a coffee and have to sit in a Starbucks trying to get to know someone.

For me the perfect first date is going out to dinner and again I am happy to pay for dinner myself because it’s not about getting a free meal it’s about getting to know someone and at dinner you can take your time and talk plus you can learn a lot about a person by how they treat wait staff.

If you date just to date then I suppose Starbucks is a good call because it’s like a factory and you can get a lot of people in and out for not a lot of money but if you are dating to meet someone special then you need to take a more old fashioned approach and go into it with hope that this could be it.

I am tired of dating and frustrated that people are just not honest about what they want.  JDate should add a couple of choices to the “what you are looking for” field and if I may make a suggestion: 1) coffee 2) getting laid 3) happily ever after.  These selections would make it easier.

In addition to a man listing his age there should be the following choices: 1) frat boy 2) pathological liar 3) prince charming.  For the record there is nothing wrong with any of these choices just be honest about what it is that you are looking for and more importantly what you are capable of.

I’m frustrated with my dating life today and by frustrated of course I mean done and by done I mean that I really don’t think it’s supposed to be this hard and the next person who tells me that when I stop looking I will find love should be careful because I am going to have to hurt them.

A friend of mine died yesterday.  He was young and beautiful and it’s heartbreaking but what it does is make you appreciate your life and want to live the best life possible and makes the desire to share it with someone greater and somehow more immediate.

Life is short and full of surprises and you never know what will happen but I know that my life is meant to include a great love story with a wonderful man and for now that knowledge will have to be enough.  Rest in peace beautiful Blue, we will always keep the faith.

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November 18, 2009 | 1:27 pm

Twitter

Posted by Ilana Angel

Yesterday I officially joined Twitter and sent my first Tweet which is awesome but I think it’s important to come clean and share that I have no idea how it works or if I did it correctly but my blog is now being tweeted and while I feel very cool to be able to say “hey I just tweeted” the fact of the matter is that I really just don’t get it.

I joined because it was suggested that I tweet about my dates so people can see how it’s going and the truth is that I totally would tweet on a date if I had any idea how to do it which I don’t so right now it’s simply my blog that is being tweeted but I’m hoping to learn and by hoping to learn of course I mean do I really care that much about learning how to tweet?

I’m not clear as to why we need to have both Twitter and Facebook but my Twitter name is very clever and original and the same as my Facebook name which is “ilanaangel”.  I hope to get the hang of it quickly and will then be able to share random and useless updates with all of you but since I’m not quite up and running let me use my blog today to update a couple of things while I figure out Twitter.

1) I think Joanna Krupa would have made it to the finale of Dancing With The Stars if she had not played the Playboy card and flaunted that she was on the cover during the last week of competition.  Big mistake sister.  Middle America was digging the poor girl from Poland story until you got naked.

2) The Republican has changed his JDate profile once again and is now 35 and 5’10” which makes this 3 different ages and 3 different heights in one week and even more fascinating is that he took down his picture which I’m guessing he did so he could hide behind his lies but it’s not working buddy.  We are watching you.

3) I wrote yesterday that I was going to perhaps give being a cougar a try which was my intention until I was at the grocery store and someone made a cat noise as they followed me up the frozen food section.  It was my friend Corey who said he thought it was a good idea and reminded me that he was 33 and his girlfriend was 41 and they were happy.

4) I live in a neighborhood with a lot of people who apparently read my blog which is really nice and at the same time weird because while I get a kick out of being recognized from the blog it’s a little unsettling and makes me think that maybe Twittering might be too much of a good thing and perhaps I need to stick to my blog and the good old fashioned internet.

I can remember a time when my cell phone weighed 10 pounds,  there were 2 computers for my entire school because they were so big, there were rabbit ears on my television which had only 8 channels and I needed to research a map to get directions.

The world has certainly changed since I was my son’s age and I can only image what it will be like when he is my age and at the end of the day I just might not be ready to jump into the world of Twitter and perhaps I just need to slow it all down a little bit.

Technology is fabulous, scary, intimidating and exciting which is just like my dating life and it’s hard for an old dog to learn new tricks and even harder to use an analogy where I am both old and a dog, but here we are and all I can do is give it a try, hope for the best and keep the faith.

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November 17, 2009 | 10:44 am

Cougar Town

Posted by Ilana Angel

Laurel Johnson and the Cougar

It took me a minute to get onboard but I now love the show Cougar Town, Wednesday nights at 9:30 on ABC, and even though I have never dated anyone who was more than 3 years younger than me, and even then it bugged me a bit that I was the old one in the couple, I envy those who can date young and yummy men. 

“Jules and Laurie” from Cougar Town remind me of myself and my friend Laurel who is 27.  I spent a lot of this past weekend with Laurel and it occurred to me that we had the best time with a million things to talk about and there is a huge age difference so it begs the question: is there any good reason for me not to date a younger man?

Laurel and I have an interesting relationship in that the line blurs between who is old and who is young.  We are both teachers and students to each other which is fascinating because I have said to male friends who dated much younger women that they could not possibly have anything to talk about but Laurel and I always have things to talk about and there is a 16-year gap.

She reminds me that I am young at heart and I remind her that she can accomplish anything she wants.  I really love her and by love her of course I mean that I will continue to love her as long as she does not want to date the same men as me because then she becomes my competition and I will have to kick her @$$.

The big roadblock for me is kids.  If I date someone who is much younger and invest time into it and then fall in love with him and he decides he wants to have kids of his own and by then I’m 45 and it’s not going to happen so what do I do then?  I will not only be dumped for a girl with fresh eggs but I will be forced to deal with the fact that it is because I am old.

Maybe Laurel and I should tag team on JDate as a package deal.  We can date fathers and sons, which would be great because she could take the son and I’ll take the dad and if all the stars align and we want to try something new I could date the son and she could date the dad because she is proof that younger can be really great.

At 43 I am in my sexual prime and the most comfortable I have ever been with myself as a woman and a younger man might appreciate that more than a man who takes Viagra and enjoys the early bird special. Laurel thinks I need to do some cradle robbing and she tends to be right about a lot of stuff in my life so maybe this is one of her ideas I should listen to.

All this time I’ve been thinking how great it would be for Laurel and I to date a father and son team and it turns out that maybe the key to that success is my dating Junior and Laurel taking Gramps.  I know I would be a cougar to date a man 16 years younger but would the older man be a cougar for dating Laurel?

This cougar idea is something to think about and if you have not seen the show you really should catch it because it is hilarious and relatable and it was put on the air by Stephen McPherson who I am courting for a job so if you all watch it I can take credit for the ratings boost and he will be indebted and therefore hire me! 

At the end of the day I write all the time about how open I am to love and that I have no expectations about who my Beshert will be but if I’m going to be honest that’s not totally true because I have been closed off to younger men and my Beshert could be one and my friendship with Laurel has shown me that which is exciting because it expands my dating pool.

I’m going to visit Cougartown and will let you know how it goes.  No promises but it’s worth a quick trip to scope out the possibilities.  I know I will find my Beshert as will Laurel and before last weekend I could have guessed how old they would be but if I were promised a million dollars now to name what their ages would be I’m not sure I could do it as she has given me a new option.

To Stephen McPherson, have your people call my people and by my people of course I mean me and I will gladly come and meet with you as soon as I return from my holiday to Cougartown.  To my darling and fabulous friend Laurel thank you for everything that you bring to my life.  We are both on the path to love and all we need to do is keep the faith.

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November 16, 2009 | 12:14 pm

Soulmates

Posted by Ilana Angel

According to Wikipedia: a soulmate is somebody with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, and/or compatibility. A related concept is that of the twin flame or twin soul – which is thought to be the ultimate soulmate, the one and only other half of one’s soul, for which all souls are driven to find and join.

One theory of soulmates, presented by Aristophanes in Plato’s Symposium, is that humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them.

Some people believe that souls are literally made and/or fated to be the mates of each other, or to play certain other important roles in each other’s lives and according to theories popularized by Theosophy and in a modified form by Edgar Cayce, God created androgynous souls, equally male and female.

Later theories postulate that the souls split into separate genders, perhaps because they incurred karma while playing around on the Earth, or “separation from God”. Over countless reincarnations, each half seeks the other. When all karmic debt is purged, the two will fuse back together and return to the ultimate.

If this is true then we each get only one.  There is just one person out there who is destined to be our soulmate and when you think about how many people there are in the world how are we ever expected to find that one person out of billions?

Are there different levels of soulmate?  My child’s father is not the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with but I have a delicious child who completes my life so could it be that my son is my soulmate and that is the great love of my life?

Can you go through life constantly searching for this person and never find them because maybe they got tired of searching for you and are with someone else who is really close and perhaps good enough?  Is finding an almost perfect match a more realistic way to look at love and if you do find an almost perfect match do you shut off all parts of you that look or do you keep one eye open?

I have always believed in the theory of a soulmate but to be honest I never really took the time to look up what the true meaning of it was and now that I have I’m thinking it may be near impossible to find.  I will keep looking of course but I must say that it is a little discouraging.

Searching for love is draining and waiting for it to find you is exhausting so where you add in the desire for a soulmate where do you draw the line between a true soulmate a really, really good match?  At the end of the day I can put faith in God that there will be guidance in leading us to one another and place faith in my soulmate that he will not settle and keep looking for me.

I pray I won’t be so tired that I’m sleeping when we come across each other and will remain hopeful that each day brings me one step closer if I keep the faith.

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