Posted by Ilana Angel
Is anyone watching Flipping Out on Bravo, Tuesday nights at 10 pm? I have spent the morning trying to figure out how to write about this show and somehow tie it into my blog about being single and the only connection I could come up with is that Jeff Lewis is gay and I am in love with him which is my pattern and by pattern of course I mean I could be single because I love gay men.
I think Jeff Lewis is hilarious and I enjoy him. I would like for the two of us to hang out and I think Jenny is divine and when she turns into Deb its television perfection. It really is a well crafted sitcom that is disguised as a reality show and I could watch it all day. It is cast perfectly and should get an Emmy for comedy writing.
It begs the question, am I so nervous about trusting a man and falling in love again that I hang out with gay men so my heart is somehow protected from getting broken? Have I reached a point of such fear that I am purposely surrounding myself with men who are safe? Could I be saying I put myself out there when really I am hiding?
Nope. Not me. I am finally able to trust my ability to make good choices. I am 43 and fabulous. I have never looked or felt better. I am comfortable with who I am as a human being and according to the text books and by text books of course I mean the ladies of The View, I am in my sexual prime.
So yes, I love Jeff Lewis. That does not mean I am hiding from love but rather that I am capable of opening my heart. Being single in your 40’s is really hard. I am at a point in life where I can be free and uninhibited but at the same time I am a mother and balancing the two is more difficult than I ever imagined it would be.
I’m doing fine. Life is great, my son is great, work is great and dating is, well, it is what it is. Keep the faith.
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October 6, 2009 | 12:31 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
I love this show. I watch it every week and think to myself that I need to start taking ballroom dancing lessons. I’m trying to bribe my son into being my partner but still no luck. It’s a beautiful thing to learn and a great form of exercise and I’m sure a great way to meet gorgeous men and by gorgeous men of course I mean men that I can set up with my other gorgeous male friends.
Dancing with the Stars airs on ABC on Monday nights at 8 for the competition show and Tuesday nights at 9 for the results show. Watching it makes me happy. It is time in front of the television that is easy. The costumes are beautiful and I adore Tom Bergeron and how Jeff Probst keeps winning an Emmy over Tom is one of the great mysteries of the world.
So last night while watching the show two interesting things happened. First, I set up another date with my recycled man. He really is intriguing so we’ll see what happens there. Thursday night people, cross your fingers. The other thing is that while watching my beloved and peaceful Dancing with the Stars I actually yelled at the television and on more than one occasion wanted to pluck my own eyes out.
Let’s start with Samantha Harris. How is it possible that this woman has a job on television? I’m sure she is lovely but she is so annoying and not funny that I don’t care how nice she may or may not be. I can barely stand to watch her and actually want to mute the television when she is on but I can’t bring myself to miss out on the train wreck that inevitably happens every time she opens her mouth.
Donny Osmond was weird last night and I’m thinking it probably had something to do with vicadin. Debi Mazar and her Satan eyes put some kind of a spell on my cat who would not stop crying when she saw her as if she was getting some kind of a message through the screen. Aaron Carter forced me to look away and put my head between my legs to stop the nausea.
Don’t even get me started on Paula Abdul who was in the audience. I LOVE HER and she should be a judge on that show. If American Idol can go to four judges then so should DWTS and they need Paula on there fast! That would be one of the greatest casting moves in the history of television.
I’m not sure when Dancing with the Stars changed from a peaceful and wholesome night of television to my favorite reality show but it has happened. It was subtle and quiet and now I’m hooked. Not for the beauty of the dancing but for the sheer horror of watching people crash and burn on live television.
Facing addiction is hard. Dating someone new and having to face the skeletons in your closet is a hard thing and I honestly don’t know how to approach my dating life with this issue. They say that admission is the first step to recovery so here we go. My name is Ilana and I am addicted to reality television. Whew! That was hard but I feel so much better and if I practice it a few times I will be able to share my shame with recycled man on Thursday night.
DWTS results show tonight! I am hoping that Kelly Osbourne stays as she is my favorite. I’m going to work on my addition and hope that I can come to peace with my reality television demons. All I can do it keep the remote close by, thank the heavens for the invention of TIVO and keep the faith.
October 5, 2009 | 11:37 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
1. I had a really great time with my recycled date last night. He is a charming and funny gentleman. We went for drinks and had a lovely time getting reacquainted. He is smart, grounded, grown up, articulate, formal and adorable. I look forward to seeing him again and that is a great thing that I have not felt about anyone for a long time. A nice date is in fact possible…who knew?
2. My mother is home safe and sound and when she called I started to cry. I really miss her and I woke up this morning and went into her room to check on her and it was sad that she was not there. It begs the question do we have such a great relationship because she lives 3000 miles away? I love her and crave time wtih her so if I saw her every day would it not be as good as is often the case with adult children and their parents?
3. I got some interesting feedback on my posting about my leaving the Booster Club at my son’s school. One woman compared me to Sarah Palin and let me know I left the school hanging just as Palin did Alaska. Really? I am thrilled that so many people read my blog and I am open to the feedback both positive and negative. That said, some people are just sad and clearly have too much time on their hands.
4. I think I am almost at the point of giving up on Mike Fleiss. By giving up of course I mean that I will never stop thinking that every time the phone rings it will be him. I imagine that the filming of the new Bachelor is just around the corner and so he is busy. I hope he knows that it’s not a Kathy Bates – James Caan in Misery type of love it’s more of Kevin Costner – Ray Liotta in Field of Dreams kind of love. The thing is that love needs no explanation Mike Fleiss. Call me.
5. My son started playing football this weekend and he was amazing. I really love this kid. He did a great job as the quarterback and completed some great passes. I look forward to spending Saturday mornings this fall watching him play. That said, I have been divorced for 13 years and my ex-husband has been re-married for many of those and I will never get used to his wife prancing around events pretending she is the my kid’s mom. This woman is so completely inappropriate that I am amazed each time I see her. I introduced myself to a couple of parents at the game on Saturday and they were surprised that I was his mother and not her. I suppose that’s normal when a step-parent is involved in your child’s life but in this case it’s just creepy.
6. My friend Jeremy, the one who thinks sex is more important than love, and I hung out this weekend and he is full of endless insight into how men think. I wonder if it’s just him or if he really does think like most men do. We went for lunch yesterday and I broke a nail. I told him I needed to go get a manicure before my date and he insisted that men don’t care and never notice stuff like that. I then rubbed his head with both a long nail and a broken one and he liked the long nail better. He said however that while the long nails felt better, it was only because it was presented as a comparison and if he never felt the long nail he never would have missed it. I can’t decide if Jeremy is a golden ticket in to the mind of men and can help me understand them better or if I should immediately forget everything he tells me the moment he says them. I might need to have a weekly “Guess what Jeremy said now” blog.
I hope you all have a good week. It is FINALLY fall in Los Angeles and the cool weather is divine. Be happy, love your kids, enjoy your work, drive safe and keep the faith.
October 4, 2009 | 10:42 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
I just got home after dropping my mother to the airport for her flight back to Canada. She was here for two weeks and it was wonderful. We laughed so hard we cried and enjoyed every moment of each other’s company.
I can clearly see all the good parts of her that are in me and if I squint and look really, really hard I can see all the crazy parts of her that are in me too. At the end of the day I simply love this woman and even if she were not my mother I would dig her.
She cried when I waved goodbye, told me she loved me and made me promise over and over again that we would come see her. I hid money in her bag so she will find it when she gets home and buy herself something pretty or spoil her grandchildren. I kissed her and did not cry so as not to upset her.
I have never had to question if she loved me because she always made sure I knew how she felt about me and I hope I am as good of a mother to my son. By as good as her of course I mean without the crazy parts.
There were a lot of memorable moments from this visit. I have never laughed so hard, or been so mortified, as when my mother casually asked over dinner one night “Ilana, what is it exactly that lesbians do?”
Imagine my mother, who is not even 5 feet tall, with a strong Israeli accent asking me this question as easily as asking me to pass the salt. It was perfection and the next hour of us talking about what lesbians do, or “lezbies” as my mother says, was worthy of a reality show.
My mother then proceeded to inform me that Ellen DeGeneres was a lesbian as was Rosie O’Donnell. Who knew? I also learned that my mother believes in gay marriage and has never met a lesbian before. Which is hilarious since she had dinner with friends of mine who happen to be a lesbian couple during her visit.
I am going to miss my mother and wish she didn’t have to go but now that she is gone it is my turn to cry. I miss her already. If you are blessed to have your mother then call her and tell her you love her.
I hope that when my son has his own family I live 3 miles away and not 3000. Of course by 3 miles I mean I hope they live next door. I am proud to be my mother’s daughter and I am thankful that she taught me to keep the faith.
October 3, 2009 | 11:02 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
Last night a friend told me that I was obsessed with love and my big mistake was putting love as my number one requirement in a relationship. I’m sure on some level he was kidding but not completely because I really think he believes love is simply a bonus to a great sex life.
A reader of my blog once posed this subject for dialogue: Do men need to have sex in order to fall in love while women need to fall in love in order to have sex?
My friend puts the same value on sex that I put on love. He thinks a good sex life is the key to a good relationship so if you have great sex it will lead to great things. It seems like an odd approach to me but it turns out that a lot of men think the same way.
I believe for women sex is better if we love who we are intimate with and I also think we have different ideas of what intimacy is. For women holding hands can be intimate and for me one of the most intimate things is when a man places his hand on the small of my back to guide me through a door way.
For a man, letting you spend the night and keep a toothbrush in his bathroom can be intimate. Now I don’t want to stereotype men because everyone is different and my Beshert certainly will be. Hang on for a minute while I put my Harlequin away to focus on my writing.
There is something so lovely about the feeling of love. When I look at a man I can think he is attractive but when I love him he is the most gorgeous man I have ever seen. He becomes the smartest, funniest man in the world when he is viewed through the eyes of love.
Now don’t get me wrong, I think sex is important in a relationship and one of the greatest things about being a grown up. I also think however that a good sex life becomes a fabulous sex life when you are in love with who you are having sex with. There must be chemistry of course or all bets are off but it can get better and love does that.
For me I’d rather be in love and work on creating a great sex life than have a fabulous sex life and nothing else. But that’s just me and what do I know? I spend a lot of time looking forward to meeting a man who makes my heart flutter, trying to remember what sex even is and clearly watching too much Lifetime television for women.
Shabbat Shalom and keep the faith.
October 2, 2009 | 11:02 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
I like to recycle. I feel strongly about helping the planet and it is an easy way to make a difference for future generations. Everyone should recycle. It’s a no brainer. It’s not hard and we must all do our part. The question is, if I’m going to jump on the recycling bandwagon can I apply the same theory to dating?
Can you reach into your past and pull out an old date and recycle him? On my last day on the JDate hell train I got an email from someone I dated several years ago. We had gone out one time and it was a great date but at the time we were looking for different things.
He is a super smart and accomplished attorney who is a grown up. He’s the type of person who was a grown up even when he was a child. We had insane chemistry and enjoyed our evening but we never went out again because he was not looking for a serious relationship.
It’s both a blessing and a curse to be so clear on what I’m looking for. It’s a blessing that I can tell quickly if there is potential for something real and it’s a curse because I don’t always give men a fair chance because I decide their fate quickly and in the end it shuts doors that should perhaps stay open.
I am going out with my recycled date on Sunday night. We are meeting for drinks and it’s oddly comfortable because even though I have not seen him in a long time it’s not a first date. There is the excitement of something new without the pressure of the unknown.
It’s like cleaning out your closet and finding a beautiful pair of shoes that you simply love but you forgot you had. The question is have I found a fabulous pair of stilettos that are timeless or am I about to strut around in a pair wooden clogs which should only be worn as a Halloween costume?
One could argue that my dating life sucks so bad that I now need to reach into the archives but on the flip side maybe there is a right time for everything and things could be different now. By different now of course I mean that I hope the chemistry has stayed the same and I’m not confusing him with someone who should never be recycled by me or anyone else.
It’s hard to know if I am picking up a clean and shiny bottle from the recycle bin or simply sorting though the trash and digging out a dirty and useless piece of old plastic. The romantic part of me thinks it makes for a great love story if it’s a match but the cautious single mom reminds herself that at the end of the day we met on JDate and no good can ever come of that. By cautious of course I mean jaded and by jaded of course I mean bitter.
Maybe I’ll really recycle and wear the same dress so I feel good about myself that it still fits five years later. I will go out on Sunday with an open mind and try to limit my expectations to zero. I will recycle my dress for my recycled date and hope for the best. Everything old can be new again if you clean it up and keep the faith.
October 1, 2009 | 2:20 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
My mother has been visiting for ten days with four more to go. It’s wonderful having her here and it’s a blessing for my son to get to spend time with her. Even though fourteen days is a long time it has not been a big deal because I really love her and we have a wonderful relationship. She visits at least once a year and I get home to Canada as often as possible.
I clearly remember the first time I thought to myself that I had become my mother. My son wanted me to make him macaroni and cheese for breakfast. He was about three years old and when I told him I was not going to make mac and cheese he asked me about 100 times why so I turned to him and said the words I had been dreading, “because I’m your mother and I said so”.
When I said it I had a classic Sally Field Steel Magnolias moment of laughing and crying at the same time. I laughed because I knew the moment was going to come eventually and I had a funny sense of relief and I cried because I felt guilty that I felt bad that I had become her when I love her so much. It’s a really strange moment when you realize that more than being your mother’s child you are the mother to your own child.
This visit has had a different vibe than ones from the past. When she used to come it felt like I was the child and she was the mother and my home became her home and I was a guest in my own home because she was the matriarch. This time around I feel like it’s my home and she is the visitor. I have my own way of running my home. Even the simplest of things like the way I clean my kitchen or fold my laundry takes on a power of its own because it’s my way. I find that I do a lot of things exactly like her and at the same time there is a clear distinction between the two generations.
At a certain point your mother becomes your friend. I always say that my son and I are friends but in truth it’s only as an adult that you can relate to your parents and be their friends. The interesting part is that at this stage of our lives we are both mothers and both single.
My mother is fascinated by my dating life. She has not dated since my father passed away and I think she’d like to but the fact is that he was the only man she had ever been with and it would freak her out to date. It’s charming and sad at the same time. It’s weird to think that my mother is now in the same dating pool and we could date the same men. I could date older and she could be a cougar. We could date brothers. Oy vey!
I love my mother. I look at her now not so much as my mom but more as my son’s grandmother. As good as she is as a mom, she is even better as “Nona” to my son, nieces and nephews. I will be sad when she goes home. It’s been a true pleasure to have her with me but I’ll keep myself busy by refolding all my towels once she’s on the plane.
I look forward to hearing from my son about the moment he channels me with his kids. It will happen eventually and I hope he will tell me about it. It’s a rite of passage to cross over into the land of “I’ve become my mother”. I embrace it and love it and love her. I hope that when it happens for my boy the feelings are the same and I’m not just the crazy lady who he is forced to visit out of guilt not desire.
My mother tells me that I am doing a great job and am a wonderful mother. Coming from her its tremendous praise because I think she is the best. When her children were little she prayed that we would all grow up to be healthy and happy and I wish that for my child now. It will take prayer, luck, hope, tears, laughter, discipline, struggle and a deliberate choice to keep the faith.
September 30, 2009 | 12:14 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
I officially blew my goal of being a kinder, gentler person yesterday and only one day after my atonement! In trying to justify my actions I have decided to just blame Canada. As a Canadian I feel that the country will cut me some slack and take one for the team.
I have been Vice President of the Booster Club at my son’s school since last year. I love the school and I love the women that I work with. This year however there is a new mom that has been helping and I have decided that she should walk around school with a sash that says “Queen of Crazy Town”.
At a meeting yesterday she finally climbed up on my last nerve and I could not control myself and told her that I thought she was insane. Not my proudest moment as a school volunteer but I must say it was a long time coming and it felt great to tell her to her face what I thought of her.
After my outburst I felt so inspired that I quit as the VP and I cannot begin to tell you how liberating it was. When I signed up to help it was out of a desire to be connected to my son and what happens at his school since he is older and the opportunities to participate at Junior High gets smaller for parents.
I did not realize that by volunteering at this level I would somehow be transformed back to Junior High myself and caught up in the politics and drama that is normally reserved for teenage girls. I was so put off by this woman that I almost went into the bathroom yesterday to write about her on the wall.
I am going to make a note to myself to put this on the top of my list for next year’s atonement. The good news is that I have an entire year to decide what it is that I am atoning for. I could be sorry for my outburst or I could be sorry for not having the guts to write about her in the bathroom. It could go either way.
At the end of the day I am thrilled to not have to work with her and best of all now I can volunteer when I want and for what I want because I am not obligated which feels more organic. I’m not going to stop helping I’m just going to stop working in crazy town.
This woman really tested my ability to do the right thing and be a grownup and by being a grownup I mean controlling myself from kicking her a**. I feel blessed to be Canadian and lucky that my motherland can take the blame for my quick trip into the land of the loons. Canada is famous for it’s loons, they are even on our money so I know I have my countries support.
Sometimes keeping the faith is about not only believing in a higher power but also about believing in ourselves. Yesterday, in leaning on God I was able to believe in me and that is what faith is all about. I am going to avoid the loon and use the extra time I will now have on keeping the faith.