Posted by Ilana Angel
Last night I had a date with Coach and I don’t mind telling you I am a little giddy. It was the kind of date where everything happens exactly how you want. From the holding of hands, to the tasting of each other’s drinks, to the kiss goodnight, we were in sync. I find myself with a schoolgirl crush on a very cool and interesting man. Good things come to those who wait.
There are many attractive things about Coach. Most important, he is a wonderful father and speaks of his daughter in a way that makes me proud of him. He is dedicated to her and when talking about her his eyes light up. There is nothing sexier than a man who is a good father. Also, his ability to share his admiration of me as a single mother makes me want to hug him close.
He understands my sarcasm, gets my sense of humor, laughs with me and at me. He is not afraid of sharing his opinion or feelings. He is more than a foot taller than me and I feel safe next to him. I was going to wear heals but opted to wear flats just because I get so excited about his height. There is something very sexy about a munchkin next to a giant.
It is an interesting relationship because it is new, but there is intimacy in our converations. He is gentle with my heart, patient with my hesitation, embracing of my dreams, and just the right mix of coach and friend to guide me along the path I want so much to travel. We are beginning something wonderful and I feel grateful to have met this wonderful and charming man.
We are approaching our new relationship from the perspective that it matters. We are open, honest, communicative, and aware. It is all very grown up, which is interesting when you consider he makes me feel like a young girl with a crush. We are our true selves, say what we want, mean what we say, and speak of building something special. It's all very romantic.
If he is unclear he askes me for clarificaiton. If he disagreess he shares his perspective. He is not afraid or intimidated by what I share or what I write. He is proud of me, which makes me want to be better. A better friend, woman, mother, and person. He inspires me. I find him insanely attractive and his musical tastes are sexy as hell. Sidebar: He is a gifted kisser.
Last night we decided we will only date each other. It is a big deal for a girl when a man says he is going to focus all of his attention on you. I find myself wanting to make him happy because he makes me so happy. My heart is fluttering, mind is racing, body is melting, and fear is disappearing. I am saying a prayer, counting blessings, and keeping the faith.
12.5.13 at 3:16 pm | Heaven has received a blessing today.
12.3.13 at 3:05 pm | Every time I go into the kitchen I half expect to. . .
11.30.13 at 10:42 am | "The only correct actions are those that demand. . .
11.29.13 at 1:56 pm | My nest will never empty as my son will always be. . .
11.28.13 at 7:59 am | Think. Laugh. Cry.
11.26.13 at 7:06 am | God places love where we don't always see it.
9.15.13 at 3:14 pm | I love you Russell Brand. (364)
7.25.11 at 5:38 pm | We need more Jews! (269)
12.5.13 at 3:16 pm | Heaven has received a blessing today. (198)
October 6, 2013 | 1:30 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
It has been a complicated week in my dating life. I was reminded of my past relationship in a way that has released me and allowed me to finally move forward. It has been seven months since the Englishman decided to be a coward and break my heart. This week rather than be sad about it, I was able to clearly see I dodged a bullet. He is not the man I thought he was and I am done thinking about him in any way other than as an asshole.
He wrote me a shocking email this week. After months of no contact, he actually wrote a lovely note. By lovely of course I mean childish and vile. Any hope I had for some sign of kindness is now gone. It no longer matters if he apologizes for what he did because I don’t care anymore. It is sad that as women we need closure to include an apology. Especially when we expect it from men who are incapable of giving it.
The revelation is not about his not being worthy of me as much as it is about me deserving better. I hung onto a relationship that was unfulfilling because he lied and I believed him. It is not his fault though. Blame is not necessary but if it must be assigned, I will own it. I should have known better, actually did know better, and opted to stay anyway. It was not just his note that changed things for me. It was meeting a different kind of man.
I have met a man we will call “Coach”. He has been courting me for two weeks and it has been really interesting. He is kind and funny, but also a great communicator. We are clear with each other. Clear on how we express who we are and what we want. He has taken the time to get to know me. He is secure enough to not be intimidated by how I share my life, and strong enough to make me feel like he has my back. He is a nice man.
It is an added bonus that he is tall, dark, and handsome. He stands 6’4”, has kind eyes, is Jewish, and makes me flutter. I have been dating and trying to move on but it has proven to be difficult. When you love someone and they stop loving you back, or perhaps never really loved you at all, it is debilitating. I have been forcing myself to move on and Coach has made me realize I could not move because I was not ready or available.
I am realistic enough to know he may be blowing smoke up my ass and not as great as he is appears, but in the end that does not matter. The important thing here is I am ready. We take pieces of all past relationships with us into the next one, but the trick is to remember them so we can learn, not hang onto them so tightly they kill any shot in hell we have of finding love again. By love of course I mean the love we have for ourselves.
I write a lot about the Englishman and now I am done. We were together for a long time and had built a life together, so it has been very hard to let go. This weekend however, I finally did. I am not able to let go of all the pain, but I am in a place where I can see it for what it was, remember the good things, and stop punishing myself for it not working out. A door was finally slammed shut in my face and it caused a window to fly open.
Through Coach I am reminded love is something I need in my life and relationships don't need to be hard. I don’t know if love will be found with him. I don’t even know if dating past this week will be our path, but I do know I think he is terrific. I am not comparing him to anyone, embracing who is on his own, and letting my guard down a little bit. At the end of the day maybe a girl needs a good Coach to teach her how to keep the faith.
October 2, 2013 | 10:16 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
My son showed me this video today and I watched in true amazement. I’m not sure I would be brave enough to actually try it on my phone, but it really is remarkable. We are ordering this and I am going to spray everything.
Be amazed people.
If you have used it, let me know how it worked, and I will report back once we try it. To the geniuses who came up with this I say bravo. Will is really let my white shoes stay white? I am keeping the faith.
October 1, 2013 | 8:40 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
I try to always take the high road but the truth is the high road can suck. There is no satisfaction in taking it when you are hurt. I consider myself one who travels it often, but when someone is hurt, mad, or sad, the high road brings no real comfort. Perhaps if the high road came with some really good pot it might make us feel better, but when it is just a simple road with no real high, it's just a road with no view.
Today I found out the Englishman is taking his new girlfriend to London. It has not been been that long since he took me and my son to England to meet his family, and for some reason I found the news upsetting. We are not friends and of course he should take this woman home. Why then, do I find it sad? More importantly, why couldn’t I just be happy to have dodged that bullet? There is no reason I should care about this.
I read the message he was taking her at the same time I was on a call to a man I am interested in. We have been getting to know each other and I really like him, yet due to some unfortunate timing, when we were speaking I blurted out that I could not believe my ex was taking this woman to England. Who talks about an ex with someone you are just getting to know? I broke the most basic of dating rules and I am mortified.
We were to meet for lunch and he ended up cancelling. While the two things could be unrelated, I went home and cried. I cried because the Englishman turned out to be a schmuck, and I cried because I allowed my hurt feelings to say something stupid to a man that has been wonderful and a real breath of fresh air. I find myself feeling quite broken, which is stupid because the power to be hurt and the choice to cry is mine.
I am strong 99% of the time and today I was weak. I have moved on and perhaps the reaction came more from fear than pain, but either way I really hope I have not sabotaged myself. I did not take the high road today. I lashed out at the Englishman. After no contact in forever, I was unkind. I wanted to hurt him for not loving me the way I loved him, but he lied and cheated so he was unworthy of me and it needed to end.
If I am going to be completely honest with myself, and you, it is my ego that is bruised more than my heart. I believed he thought I was special and in the end she is now special. Less charming and attractive, but still special. We all have demons that live on from past relationships and I am good at keeping mine at bay, but those bastards came out today. My ego got hurt, I was shocked, and am now disappointed in my inablility to take the high road.
I embarrassed myself today. Twice. I was mean to a man whose opinion I could not care less about, and I said something stupid to a man whose opinion matters to me. The heart is complicated, and today mine was an ass. Bless her. I was given an opportunity to take the high road and opted to take a different path. Live and learn. I will forgive myself, apologize to others, turn towards to the high road, and keep the faith.
October 1, 2013 | 3:45 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
This is a video Jimmy Kimmel aired on his show last night.
I am not sure whether to laugh or cry.
We live in a country where old and out of touch men criple our government. A country where our elected President is asked to do his job with his hands tied behind his back.
Is this really the greatest country in the world?
We better all start to work together before it is too late.
May God Bless America.
Keep the faith.
September 29, 2013 | 3:28 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
I have never seen an entire episode of Breaking Bad. This confession mortifies my son. He has been telling me for a year to watch it and I just have not. No real reason other than the fact that I don’t really have time. We tried to watch together once and it was so violent that I opted out after about fifteen minutes. My son was not allowed to watch it when it first came out, but this year he watched all the past episodes to catch up so he could watch the final season with his friends, leading up to tonight’s finale.
When he is watching Breaking Bad I am not permitted to speak. and must keep my breathing slow and shallow. He watches in total silence, then when it is over he jumps around screaming about how great it is, and how lame I am for not watching. He was finally so fed up with my lack of interest he started watching it with friends. Every Sunday he heads over to a buddy’s house, they order dinner in, and a bunch of kids watch. He then stays for an hour after to debrief and discuss. Tonight is their last meeting.
He is both excited to see how the series ties it all up, and sad that the show is over. He is sad to see it go, but also respectful of the fact that the time has come and he knows he will not be disappointed in the final episode, which will be “epic”. Who would have thought a show about making meth would be so popular? I suppose people who make meth, but this is beyond those few. This show is, according to my child, ”a brilliant piece of artistic beauty with writing so superb it catapults it to another level of American television.”
I imagine the number of viewers tonight will break records of some kind for cable television viewership. I might even watch it myself as I fear if I don’t I will be the only person in America who will not be able to talk about it tomorrow. To the creators of Breaking Bad, Mazel Tov on all you have accomplished. To the viewers who love this show so much, my child included, be strong. Enjoy the finale and feel free to talk about it for as long as you need to. As for another show coming along to fill the void, keep the faith.
September 26, 2013 | 6:19 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
I totally have a crush on Cory Booker. He is smart, funny, aware, charming, and handsome. As the mayor of Newark, New Jersey, and a Democratic candidate for U.S. Senate, he is admired and respected by many, and has a promising career in American politics. People are trying to make a story where there is no story, in regard to his “relationship” with a stripper.
Lynsie Lee is a stripper in Oregon. She is cute, enjoying her 15 minutes of fame, and a fan of Mr. Booker. They are not in a relationship, but even if they were, who cares? Booker is single, as is Lee, and if they tweeted to each other, God bless. Lee is not even a Democrat. She is just a woman, who happens to be a stripper, that has a crush on a single, adult man.
Lee has been hitting on Booker over Twitter for the past year and I say yay for her. She has good taste in men. Lynsie is heavily tattooed, has a sweet face, a great body, and is a smart girl. She dropped out of college to dance because it was good money. She has a crush and it is harmless. People need to let her enjoy her 15 minutes and not spin a web around Booker.
I once tweeted that I love New Jersey and Governor Chris Christie tweeted me back, thanking me for the support of his state. It was random and totally made my day. Politicians are celebrities, they have fans, and it has nothing to do with politics or sex. To compare single Booker tweeting a stripper to married Anthony Weiner sending naked pics is insane.
Anthony Weiner is a pig and unworthy of political votes. Cory Booker is a rising political star, a single man, super hot, and should be applauded for keeping it real with the people. As for Lynsie, I am happy for her that her crush wrote back. Bravo Ms. Lee. Good luck with Booker. Can we move on now? Surely there are more interesting political things to discuss.
I wish Mr. Booker well with his run for Senate. I do not vote in New Jersey and even if I did it would not matter if he was getting my vote because this is not a blog about politics, or strippers, or strippers banging politicians. Grow up people. There is no story here. When it comes to politics people play dirty so I hope Cory Booker fights on and keeps the faith.
September 26, 2013 | 2:08 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
I love Words With Friends and I play everyday. I have multiple games going, currently 19, and my highest scoring word is “WANKERS” for 102 points. I know some of the people I play with because they are my friends or family. I also play with a lot of my followers on Facebook and Twitter. If you want to play you can find me at KeepingFaith7.
Most of the people I play are what Words With Friends refer to as “Random Opponent”. My pet peeve is when people take a long time to play a game. If you are going to take 5 days between words I’m not interested. If you want to have long nonstop chats while we’re playing, I‘m not interested. I like to say hi and will banter, but not a full on conversation.
I have a three strike rule when I’m playing. If you take more than 2 days to play a word, more than 3 times, I will resign the game. If you don’t play within 12 hours, I will nudge you. Harsh? I guess. It is only a game after all, but I really like it, enjoy playing, and when the games sit for days on end it is annoying, a waste of my time, and I want to move on.
The other day I was playing with a random opponent and their third strike came up. I was waiting for them to take their turn so I could resign the game. As I went to quit, I noticed there was a message from the player. When I read it I was a little shocked because it was not what I expected, and not anything I could have guessed would come.
The player wrote that he was only 10 years old and most days he has a lot of homework and can’t play. He apologized for taking so long. It was the cutest thing. I wrote him back to take his time, homework was the most important thing, and we could play whenever he had time. It made me think about the other random opponents I was playing with.
After I heard from this lovely young man I approached things a little differently. I said hello to random opponents and wished them luck on our game. You just never know who is at the other end and so one must be patient and assume they are regular people who just want to play. Then that thought was blown out of the water by “Oklahoma”.
The “man” was from Oklahoma. Now I say man but who knows. He could have been an old woman, or a young woman for that matter. He could have been a prisoner allowed 10 minutes on the Internet, or some pimple faced teenager. Whoever he was he decided to use our Words With Friends game as an opportunity to engage in some sexting.
Really? I am going to play Scrabble with you while writing about sex? That is not happening and it was shut down quickly. It truly makes you wonder about who it is you are dealing with online. The world has never been smaller, or as frightening. The Internet is a place of wonder, blessings, joy, and at the same time it is scary as hell. Truly.
Twitter for example, scares the crap out of me, and this week took a turn for the dangerous. I get a lot of love on Twitter, and also a lot of hate. Writing about abortion, religion, sex, and reality television opens one up for criticism. I try to take it all in stride, but it is hard. Sometimes I hit a wall and want to lash out, which is ridiculous.
Someone who is mad at me about something I am a little unclear on, decided to post my home address and telephone number. Shocking really. It was an old address but still, it broke my heart. I live with my teenage son and it freaked me out that someone would do such a thing. After 24 years with the same phone number, I had to change it.
My entire adult life is connected to that phone number, and now it is gone. I share my life here in an open and honest way when it comes to my experiences and emotions. I write in an intimate way, but broad strokes when it comes to identifing details. Everyone knows about my relationships, job, opinions, and views, but I do not use real names.
I have never written my child’s name, or my friends. Everyone is given a different name except for my best friend Jel, and my father, of blessed memory. I have written many times about the fact that I was the victim of a violent crime in Canada and my attacker served a long term prison sentence. My willingness to share comes from a good place.
It is not to get sympathy, or hits on a blog. It comes from my relationship with God and my wanting to perhaps ease someone else’s pain. From divorce to illness, from meeting prostitutes at the nail salon to conversations with homeless people, and being a Jane Doe, I have written it all and not been afraid because I am given much in return.
For someone to jeopardize my safety, and that of my child, is fascinating. They do not know me, but want to hurt me and put me in harms way because I think LeAnn Rimes is a whore, or that Bethenny Frankel is a liar. What is going on in someone’s life that this is an option for their behavior? I am a public figure I guess, but this is dangerous and unkind.
Today this random group of people on Twitter are writing about publishing my IP address, hacking into my accounts and personal information. Really? I can pretend to be tough and cool and not give a shit, but the truth is that my heart is broken. These women post pictures of their children next to pictures of me with a penis drawn over my face.
Yesterday I deactivated my Twitter account while I figured everything out. I spoke with the police department both here in LA and Canada. I changed my passwords, closed my online banking and business operations, spoke with the parole board associated with my attacker, and assured my child that Twitter is madness but he didn’t need to worry.
I have certainly lost my cool on Twitter. Told a couple of people to fuck off, blew smoke up some lunatics ass by telling her I would call her boss to tell him she is using her work computer to harass me, and asked my followers to help me get people suspended for bad behavior. Here’s the thing though, I have never put anyone or their families in danger.
I am a writer. I have raised a son on my own, put him through 10 years of private school by myself, and will send him to the college of his choice on my own too. I am single, dating, and confused about why it is so hard to meet someone decent. I date, pray, dream, cry and think in a very public forum, and in return I am beaten down to where I can hardly breathe.
I am back on Twitter today, having taken care of things with the authorities. Twitter has not suspended the people who posted my personal information, are impersonating me, or using my image for sexually explicit imagery. They have done nothing even though both myself and my employers at the Jewish Journal have filed complaints. It is now with police.
This includes information such as IP address, browser type, pages visited, location, mobile carrier, device and application ID, search terms etc. Furthermore, your Information Sharing and Disclosure clause, clearly states as follows: “We do not disclose your private personal information except in the limited circumstances, described here.”
The FTC is diligent in “ensuring that when companies tell consumers they will safeguard their personal information, the FTC can and does take law enforcement action to make sure that companies live up to these promises.” I am requesting, that you take appropriate and aggressive steps to ensure that my unauthorized personal information be protected
In terms of Twitter's JJpennysaver, wearingpjs35, ElseeG, and notilanaangel, I ask that you block their IP address from your inbound firewalls so that they are unable to return under a new ID and continue to cause security breaches. It’s not brain surgery, its just Twitter, and they are in violation of your rules so do your job already and take care of it.
Why would I write this and put it all out into a public forum when things are so fragile? Because now people are watching and people know. If something happens, people will see that hate fuels madness. I am not going to be scared or bullied into giving up what I do by a bunch of cowardly women who do not use their real names or faces. They hide behind hate.
To these women I will say this, I’m sorry if I have crossed a line with you in a way that you felt attacked or threatened. I really am. I am asking you to please rethink your choices as my livelihood and my safety are being compromised. Don’t follow me, don’t engage me, don’t write about me, and I will do the same. Time to be grown ups and move on.
I am asking you as a mother to please stop. If you want a public apology, you have one. I am sorry. Please remove the pictures of me, stop with the imposter accounts, and realize that this is about more than disagreeing views on Twitter. I will not mention you and we can move on. This needs to stop. Please. I am asking you to leave me alone.
I am sad, but not broken. I am grateful to the Jewish Journal for standing by me, wasting their time dealing with this garbage, and allowing my voice to be heard. To my son I say I love you madly and I will do anything and everything to keep you safe. To those who read my columns and support my work and my voice, I thank you from the heart.
I will keep writing because it is my job. I will keep sharing because that is what I do. I will continue to block crazy on Twitter, delete messages of hate on Facebook, hope that the headache I’ve had for the past three days will finally go away, and pray that one day all this drama won’t hurt as much, matter as much, or test my ability to keep the faith.