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Keeping the Faith

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June 21, 2011 | 11:24 pm

Would I Want to Be Skinny if it Meant I Had to Be Dumb?

Posted by Ilana Angel

Photo

My meeting with Tamara

I met with Tamara Shayne Kagel yesterday.  She is the young woman who wrote a series of blogs that essentially said fat girls need to lower their expectations in terms of who they can date, and parents do a disservice to their fat daughters by telling them they can do anything they want, and should instead teach them to aim low in terms of careers and men.  I am not going to link her blogs to mine again so if you want to find them you’re on your own. 

I arrived to our meeting 5 minutes late, and she arrived 15 minutes after that.  Traffic was a nightmare and it was fine as she let me know she was crawling along the 405.  Her being late was a good thing as it allowed me a few minutes to gather my thoughts.  When she arrived she was clearly nervous.  She is a lovely girl and looks younger than her 29 years.  We got a table and settled in for our little chat.

I immediately noticed her hands.  She had short nails with red, chipped nail polish.  Her nails reminded me that I was dealing with a child that needed compassion, not a peer.  She cares what people think of her and she wants to project the right image, so she puts on mascara and makes sure she looks good, but then has the hands of a cheap hooker so how can I take her seriously?

When I was 29 I was pregnant, and trying to save a marriage that was clearly falling apart.  I was at a very different place than she is now. She is not only confused in her writing style, but confused about what image she is projecting.  One could argue that she is young and will figure it all out, but she is 29 years old.  I can’t imagine being that old and so unsure about who I am.

I could go on and on about the things that were wrong with Tamara’s blogs, but there is no need because Ms. Kagel is very clear that while I can appreciate what she was trying to say, she missed the mark and in the end was irresponsible with the words she put out into the world to represent her.  As a woman and a mother, I think Tamara needs to apologize.  She needs to be brave and bold, and write the things she talked about yesterday.

I agree that we need to be healthy and must teach our children the value of health.  Obesity is an epidemic and I’m not pretending weight does not matter.  I am simply saying that telling fat girls they don’t matter unless they get thin, is not the way to address the problem.  Rather than try to change how weight is viewed, she needs to first worry about herself and her own issues. The real lesson she can teach require her to write about her own life experiences, not others. 

To be clear, this was never about obesity.  This was about Ms. Kagel saying women who are not a size 6 need to go to the bottom of the dating chain because they don’t deserve to date good men.  I was never commenting on the issue of obesity and heath for women, but rather that it is ridiculous to suggest women who do not look like her cannot find love or get a good job.  She wrote a blog about dating, not a medical study on obesity.

She has a very important and rarely talked about perspective that could really help women.  If she finds the courage to write about herself, it could be powerful. As a writer, I want to her learn the power of her voice and help her to know that what she writes matters.  She did not know me, yet felt it was okay to comment on my life, my body, my worldview, and my possibilities. She made it personal about me but was not willing to focus on herself.

Our Jewish upbringing teaches us that, “He who saves one soul it’s as if he saved the entire world.”  I will be one soul for Ms. Kagel.  I am a stranger who was offened by her words and so her saying sorry will be nice for me, and maybe help to heal her.  Dramatic to be sure, but when you are talking about a woman and her self-worth, it’s all rather dramatic indeed. Tamara has an unhealthy view of her body and a broken spirit.

She is desperate to express herself and wants to be heard.  She is a product of her environment, society, and her upbringing. Only she can alter her self image,  and needs to work on that before she has her own children and passes her insecurities onto them.  I hope she does the right thing.  Not because I told her she should, but because she wants to, knows why it’s important, and understands that it matters, and more importantly, she matters.

Tamara has a lot of important things to say.  She just needs to learn how to say them in a way that people will be open to listening to.  I will leave it up to her to find out a way to do that and when she does, I hope to collaborate with her on a piece about women, self worth, and that accepting our bodies and loving our bodies, are not the same thing.  Tamara has a beautiful body but does not appreciate it or really see it, which is sad.

If I could have my body and my sense of self-worth, or her body and her struggles with being good enough, I would pass on the dumb and take my curves. I tell my friends I wish for them all that they wish for themselves, but I wish other things for Tamara.  She will figure it out because she is smart. I believe in her and thank her for being gracious.  She reminded me the most important thing I can do for myself, is to keep the faith.

UPDATE: Ms. Kagel has decided to lie about our meeting and what we both said.  It’s an interesting approach.  I wish her luck with her choices and her career.  I will no longer waste my time talking about her and her silly writing.  Her readership has soared since I began writing about her and it’s not fair to my readers to bore them with her ramblings.  She can go on with her life and give me no further thought.  I wish her all the best.  God Bless.

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Having spent the last four year doing obesity research at a cardiovascular research the center in the middle of the dirty south (also known as the diabetes belt), I can tell you first hand there is a mountain of evidence produce by some of the smartest people in the world that links every single cause of death that is on the rise in this country to the rise in the obesity rate in this country.  If anything is dumb it would be perpetuating this lie that you “love yourself” while at the same time you are killing yourself because being fat and lazy is easier.

Comment by Will on 6/22/11 at 4:16 am

Now anorexia and bulimia are not any healthier, so if that is your point then fine, but you really didn’t have the guts to make any outright accusation of the sort about Tamara.  So I still agree with her central point, if you are looking for a mate who cares about and takes care of their health then it’s a good idea to take care of your own.  I wouldn’t expect to win over someone with beautiful pearly whites by not brushing my teeth, and I certainly would not teach my children it’s OK for them not to brush theirs so long as they love themselves.

Comment by Will on 6/22/11 at 4:17 am

Our First Lady would seem to agree with “be healthy” over “love yourself no matter what and you can achieve anything!”: “Obesity, she said, ‘could now be an even greater threat to America’s health than smoking.’ And if the nation stays on its current path, nearly 50 percent of all Americans will be obese in 10 years - ‘not just overweight, but obese.’”

http://www.chicagotribune.com/sns-health-michelle-obama-anti-obesity-initiative,0,7668255.story

(it’s really amazing to live in Europe for any length of time and then come back to America…then you really *experience* the truth of these statistics)

Comment by Steve on 6/22/11 at 6:02 am

From your picture I can see why this girl’s blogs must’ve offended you. Combine that with your whiny complaining and I can see why you must’ve had marital problems. Instead of imposing your paradigm on these blogs, maybe you should attempt to understand them first. You may not have turned out to be such a fat, cynical bitch if your parents had been honest with you about society’s view of your weight from the beginning.

Comment by Annie on 6/22/11 at 6:53 am

So did you end up saving your marriage?

Comment by Bob on 6/22/11 at 7:31 am

@ Will:  This was never about obesity, it was about dating.

@ Steve:  I agree with Michelle Obama, but this was not about that.  It was about a young woman with serious body issues, saying that even if you are only 5 pounds overweight, you need to date below you.

@ Annie:  You are an idiot.  Good luck with that.

@ Bob:  No.

Comment by Ilana Angel on 6/22/11 at 8:49 am

Tamara has never looked so young and hot.  You’re so nice for advertising for her- stock went through the roof.

Comment by Ann M on 6/22/11 at 9:19 am

“So I still agree with her central point, if you are looking for a mate who cares about and takes care of their health then it’s a good idea to take care of your own.”  I agree this is about dating. And I don’t think her point is that you need to date below yourself, just don’t expect to date above yourself.  If you expect someone to settle for someone 5 pounds overweight (which is still unhealthy despite your use of the word only) you should be willing to settle for someone that isn’t perfect either.

Comment by Will on 6/22/11 at 9:44 am

I see, I must’ve misread Ms. Kagel’s posts…

Outside of any blog posts, though, it does seem to me (especially in the world of online dating!) that there are many more people in the U.S. with significant weight problems that could be resolved by a healthy diet and exercise then there are people with a teensy muffintop. And some of that is, I agree with Ms Kagel, from years of feel-good self-affirmation, constant fear of offending anyone and, that ugliest of phrases, “fat acceptance”.

I admire her for speaking the truth, that attractive, interesting men are going to want to date attractive, interesting women. All the more so the higher the stakes are!

Comment by Steve on 6/22/11 at 10:03 am

@ Ann:  Agreed, she looks beautiful.  I’m glad my writing got people to read her blog.  Her numbers have never been so high. we’ll see what happens now that I’m done.

@ Will:  What is “date above yourself”?  Why does settling” need to be mentioned when discussing dating?  I am interested in talking to you on this subject and write a piece with your perspective.  If you’re interested, write me at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

@ Steve: There is a huge discussion to be had and I wanted to talk about it with Ms. Kagel but she is simply not able as her own body issues rule her and she cannot step away from them.  It’s a shame.

Comment by Ilana Angel on 6/22/11 at 10:45 am

I’m disturbed that this woman who espouses physical beauty and a low BMI hasn’t shown more attention to her thought processes.  Her chipped and uncared for manicure is very telling.  A psychologist will tell you that the fingers are the last part of our physical realm that holds onto our thoughts.  I always notice chipped nails, they usually belong to those that have bad hygiene.  Interesting.

As for physical beauty.  I must say Ilana that you exude a radiance that comes from within, and is mirrored on your face.  Many men avoid a slender figure that houses a voided personality.  Where there’s meat, there’s heat.

Comment by Richard on 6/22/11 at 11:01 am

Wow Tamara really needs to re-think those earrings! Seriously if you judge a person on weight,why not on earrings, or hair style or clothing choice…things that change and are not a true representation of the “real” person…yes people should be physically healthy, but that does not mean mental healt and emotional health do not matter…I believe it is better to find someone with inner beauty, as outer beauty is not permanant.

Comment by tracy on 6/22/11 at 4:21 pm

Richard wrote in the comments:
“A psychologist will tell you that the fingers are the last part of our physical realm that holds onto our thoughts.  I always notice chipped nails”

He then starts to hit on Ilana…

Having batsh#t crazy friends comment on your post is not helping your cause.

This is science vs. personal opinion without any factual basis and merit, and it’s just silly.

Comment by Steve on 6/23/11 at 12:40 am

@ Will: No one is perfect. We are made up of beauty and flaws, gifts and imperfections.

Comment by Lauren on 6/24/11 at 9:32 am

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