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Keeping the Faith

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August 19, 2010 | 7:34 am

Who Are Forty Year Old Women Supposed To Have Sex With?

Posted by Ilana Angel

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Sex in our forties is great.  I hear it’s great.  We are old enough to know what we like, and secure enough to be able to talk about it.  Studies show women are in their sexual prime in their forties, but sadly, many ladies at this stage of their lives are not having sex. 

Even more interesting, are studies that show men in their forties have declining libidos.  They are distracted by work and stress, making sex not as easy as when they were young.  The question is:  If you are a single lady in your forties, who are you supposed to have sex with?

For me personally, I’m not physically attracted to men who are much older than me.  At 44, I prefer to date men my own age.  Single men in their forties however, are hard to find.  They have perhaps never been married, and are looking to meet someone to have kids with.

They could be divorced, and wanting to recapture their youth by dating a young trophy girl of some kind.  I’m not interested in having another child at this age, and while I certainly consider myself a prize, the days of being arm candy have come and gone for me.

I’ve never really been able to date men who are younger than me.  Now physically, I think they are very attractive, but I have a mental block when it comes to being with someone younger.  I’m not sure why being a cougar has never been my thing.  I sometimes wish it were.

A fifty year old man can easily date a forty year old woman, but a fifty year old woman is going to have a harder time hanging onto a forty year old man.  I think it’s all quite sad really.  As adults, sex should be a regular part of our lives, but the older we become, the more elusive it is.

Sex is different when you get older.  While we can all still appreciate the hot and passionate ripping off of the clothes, there is an element of connection that is different from when we were younger.  There is an awareness and understanding of how important it is.

In my forties, one of the best things about a relationship is not just sex, but companionship.  Its wonderful to have sex with someone, but sex becomes better when you wake up next to that person, and are happy to have them there.  A partner is more satisfying than a playmate.

You feel connected to someone in a more profound way when you can enjoy the physical, at the same time that you appreciate the emotional.  It’s such a shame to reach a point in your life when you can finally enjoy sex in a completely free way, and then not have it be available.

To say sex is not available is not completely true.  I should clarify by saying sex with someone you would want to have sex with, is not available.  I am on JDate and sex is readily available there.  The thing about being in your forties, is sex is simply not enough.

I would love to meet someone to share my life with.  It would be a bonus if we could have a fantastic sex life together.  It would be a miracle if he were not in his sixties or his twenties.  At 44, I am simply too fabulous to be alone and not having a healthy sex life.

I get emails all the time from wonderful women in their forties, who are divorced, looking for love, and wishing sex was a part of their lives.  I never hear the same thing from men.  If you are a man, in your forties, and single, I’d like to know who you are having sex with.

Shoot me an email and let me know the age range of the women you are dating.  Let’s talk about this.  I think sex in the divorced world, regardless of age, is something we should talk about.  Maybe we can figure it out together, and learn something along the way.

I am enjoying being in my forties.  I am a phenomenal mother, a terrific friend, a loving sister, a devoted daughter and an amazing catch for an amazing man.  Am I a sexy forty something vixen?  I don’t remember exactly, but I’m keeping the faith.

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Amen! “At 44, I am simply too fabulous to be alone and not having a healthy sex life.”.

I can absolutely relate to your article being in my 40’s and not having someone special in my life too.

Comment by Bea on 8/19/10 at 10:45 am

Keep The Faith Bea!!!

Comment by Ilana Angel on 8/19/10 at 12:18 pm

i got nothin’...

just sayin’...

(o.m.g.)

Comment by zero milligrams (o.m.g.) on 8/19/10 at 1:52 pm

Well I’m in my forties and I’m marrying a man in his thirties.  So I would suggest younger men.  Not young enough to be your son, but within 10 years of you.  Men your own age aren’t the only ones on the planet.  I would have preferred a man closer to my age, but I got mine and it’s a perfect fit.  We have a lot in common because I’m only old enough to be his big sis or a very young aunt. LOL.

Comment by puma on 8/19/10 at 2:07 pm

Puma,  Fantastic!  I clearly need to rethink this restriction I have.  If I may ask….. do you have children?  does he?  Are you going to have kids together?  Most importantly…... how did you meet?

Comment by ilana Angel on 8/19/10 at 2:23 pm

Hey Ilana!
    Puma is so right…it just seems to work out..you need someone who appreciates who you are as an evolved woman and younger men just know how to do that!

Comment by irene on 8/20/10 at 7:16 am

Ilana,

I agree with you—it’s very hard to meet men when you are in your 40’s.  I met my husband 10 years ago, when I was 32—so while I wasn’t in my 40’s, I have many single friends who are my age, getting over their divorces, and looking for Mr. Right. 

The main problem I’ve seen them have to deal with is that SO many men who are older are damaged.  They are damaged from their first marriage or just damaged from life that they’ve never been able to find someone who is right for them. 

I think it takes a lot of time and patience—and most important, to not succumb to starting a relationship just to have one.  Sadly, I seen a few of my girlfriends develop relationships with hugely damaged men, just because they don’t want to be single.  They are afraid of being single.

I’m fortunate that I am married to my Prince Charming.  Truly.  He’s one of those very hard to find men who is attractive (to me, anyway), highly intelligent, with a great sense of humor, and who most importantly adores me.  I’m glad I never settled for anything else.  I realized, at 32 (which my family thought was old to be getting married for the first time) that I’d rather go to my grave single (cause I like myself!) than marry some toad just to have some excess weight that is impossible to get rid of. 

Hang in there, don’t settle—and you’ll get lucky.  I just have a hunch.  Mr. Right won’t be able to resist you.  If he’s Mr. Right.

Take care,

Anita Vacation

Comment by Anita Vacation on 8/20/10 at 1:33 pm

I have the same problem but in a somewhat different way:  I’m not attracted to most men my age or even close to it unless they’re like Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp or George Clooney (can you believe they’re in the late 40s or even over 50?) because they tend to be too squishy and flabby and I work out a lot and look and feel about 15 years younger than I am.  From what perfect strangers tell me like the makeup gals at Bloomie’s who always try to sell you stuff based on your “age group” and they have plenty of experience.

Madonna said the same thing about why she dates younger men, though her current beau at barely 20 is pushing it maybe.  I’m not Madonna nor as obsessed as she with keeping my body rockhard but most men over 35 or even younger are slobs and if they go to the gym to jump on the treadmill it does nothing for their muscles and the thought of having sex with them, yuk, I’d rather sweat under a heavy barbell where it will actually do some good.  Problem is I can date younger men but when it comes time to revealing my real age, if they want kids and a family marriage is out of the question.  Plus I like a man who’s smart and cultured, up on world affairs and preferable well-traveled or at least lived in New York or another big city, not a provincial, and add to that handsome with a good body.  Oh, and enough money so I wouldn’t have to worry about my future like with my ex who is an MBA but blew it financially.

Notice how many attractive women of a certain age settle for fat and flabby husbands, some drunks or fools, as long as they’re rich?  Virtually all on the “Housewives” series except Bethenny - who doesn’t seem to realize how lucky she is.

I can find plenty of guys who want to have sex with me but not a committed relationship.  Maybe I’m being overly picky for a woman “my age” but darn it I can’t and won’t settle.  I hope “Mr. Right’s” out there for both of us.

Comment by hedia on 8/25/10 at 12:05 pm

Im 44 and am friendly with a very shy neighbour aged 42.I always wonder if he would like to take it further,but have to assume not as he has never actually asked me out,just to his apartment.He never has a girlfriend which I find odd.He always approaches me for little chats but nothing more.

Comment by GAIL on 9/07/10 at 3:43 am

im a male 54 yrs old, 185 lbs, toned better than most 40 yrs old,and very active. i agree with you on sex and companionship, had a very loving 3.5 year relationship with a 42 yr old woman, that could not keep up, or maybe did notwant to keep up, but i loved waking up in the morning with her next to me, i know the feeling, and it was great.Age means nothing with the right body and mind, oh and im available to the right 40 something, ha

Comment by wilb on 9/08/10 at 11:43 am

@ Anita: Thank you grin

@ Hedia:  Don’t settle!  He is out there for you.  Just hold on!

@ Gail:  ASK HIM OUT!  Be bold and just do it!

@ Wilb:  Have you met Hedia from a couple of comments ago?  Where do you live?  An available man who is sexual and wanting a relationship?  You are a jackpot and we want details!

Thanks for writing everyone.

Comment by Ilana Angel on 9/09/10 at 2:58 pm

As a newly divorced 50 year old good looking professional, I was shocked at how easy it was to “bed” (Jewish) women in their 40’s. I dont date gentiles.It didnt take long to find that I wanted “more”, but these woman constantly sell themselves short. The surest way to never meet Mr. Right, is to settle for Mr. Right Now.

Comment by Jeff on 9/13/10 at 5:23 pm

Jeff,

It’s fascinating to me how quickly people jump into bed.  On one hand I get it because we are old enough to know what we are doing and one of the best things about being an adult is having a healthy view of sex.  On the other hand however, women are very promiscuous and I don’t get it.  I have friends who confuse sex with love and it causes them heartache.  It’s brutal to be single at this stage of life.  Sorry to hear about your divorce. Welcome to hell. grin

Ilana

Comment by Ilana Angel on 9/14/10 at 8:02 am

Just a comment about the numbers of available women vs. available men.  Women in their forties are at the tail end of the baby boom, if they’ve married, its often been to an older male boomer.  Males of their same age (forties) are often still married to younger women and males of younger ages are part of a much smaller “baby bust” cohort, so there aren’t as many around.  Demographers call this a “marriage squeeze” that females experience.  Its not only experienced by Jewish women, but by all women in their forties and fifties in the general population.  Probably the most acute marriage squeeze is experienced by African American women because of the low survival rates of their men.

I wish I could be more optimistic.  Other societies deal with this issue through polygamy, or when there is a shortage of women through polyandry.  Some modern adaptation might come about if women decided to cooperate with each other rather than compete with each other for a scarce supply of desirable males.  This may be actually happening as rates of marriage decline and cohabitation increases as indicated by increasing rates of out-of-wedlock births, especially in Europe.

I’m just not sure how this would fit into American Jewish life and community, though even the Orthodox would consider the kids Jewish.  But then, we were discussing obtaining a satisfying male sex partner.  Does the male sex partner need to be exclusive?  Do long-term sexual relationships need to be based only on two people? Is serial monogamy the only way to have a fulfilling life?  What would happen, if rather than waiting for Mr. Right a woman partners with Ms. Right as Ms. Left with a carefully chosen long-term Mr. Middle.

Comment by Pini on 9/15/10 at 7:26 pm

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