Keeping the Faith

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August 10, 2011 | 7:07 am

We Have a New Winner! Worst Online Date Ever

Posted by Ilana Angel

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I should have known better than to go on JDate again.  I have never had luck there, and after quitting for good, I joined for one month because Jill Zarin of the Real Housewives of New York City told me I needed to give it another shot.  I love you Jill, but huge mistake.

While looking around last week, amazed that the men are using the same pictures they did years ago when I was on, I got an instant message from a guy we’ll call “Loser”.  He said hello and we emailed for a few minutes.  We then decided we would talk on the phone.

Loser and I spoke on the phone for 3 hours.  We laughed and learned a little bit about each other and I felt confident I had met someone I wanted to know better.  We talked several times over the next couple of days and made plans to meet for dinner.

Last night we met at a restaurant he suggested.  Our date was set for 7:30.  He texted me at exactly 7:30 to say he was there and was I still coming.  A little odd, but whatever.  I texted that I was on my way, and I arrived at 7:32.  He was waiting outside.

He gave me a hug, kiss on the cheek and we went in.  We sat down at the sushi bar and he pointed out that I was late.  I apologized for being 2 minutes late and so the date began.  He then went on to tell me, after 3 minutes together, that I was funnier and more open on the phone.

I was not sure what he meant and asked him why he felt that way, and he told me he just felt I was better over the phone than in person.  I’m not sure what one is supposed to do with that information, so I let it go.  He then complained about the portion size of the sushi rolls.

We had been together for 10 minutes at this point and I was not having a good time.  I felt uncomfortable and sadly it just got worse from there.  When we spoke on the phone I told him I had tattoos.  When noticed my one small but visible tattoo, he said it made me look slutty.

He then went into detail about how only slutty women have tattoos, and I was a bad Jew.  He said he could never take me to meet his mother, as she would not approve of “a girl like me”.  His Jewish mother would be offended by my tats but his Catholic ex-girlfriend was okay?

Speaking of his ex-girlfriend, he spoke at great length about her and their break up on the phone. It had been 6 months and he was totally over her.  What he failed to mention on the phone, but told me at dinner, was that although no longer his girlfriend, they now lived together.

The man I spoke with on the phone did not come to dinner. Instead I was with a liar who was still in a relationship with his girlfriend, and thought I was a both a slut and a bad Jew.  Incase that was not enough to put me over the edge, he then asked me what size my bra was.

He asked me this question right after he told me I “had a nice rack”.  This was one classy guy.  By classy of course I mean he was rude, obnoxious, and a compulsive liar.  I lasted 32 minutes before I told him I was leaving.  He seemed genuinely surprised.

The same man, who when he asked me what perfume I was wearing, and I responded Stella McCartney, asked why I would wear perfume made by a woman with a wooden leg, this man was surprised that I was getting up and leaving him alone?  Really?  Come on.

I was amazed by how confused he was by my leaving.  I reminded him he was insulting and lied about everything.  He insisted that withholding information was not the same as lying, and therefore he had not lied.  I was either going to laugh or hit him, so I bailed.

I know it’s rude to walk out on someone, but I seriously could not stay.  He had lied about so many things that it was scary.  I feel bad that I left him there, but at the same time, the thought of sticking it out and having him walk me to the car was enough for me to set my manners aside.

The good news is that we were sitting next to a lovely couple.  She was an Israeli, who like me grew up in Canada.  We chatted a bit during my 32 minutes in hell and it turns out we both moved here from Toronto and knew some people in common.  She was the best part of my date.

I thanked Loser and turned to see the woman we had been talking to had left the sushi bar.  I told her husband, in Hebrew, I was leaving and to say goodbye to his wife.  He asked if I was okay, I assured him I was, and he told me his wife was outside smoking and I would see her.

I ended up sitting outside with the woman chatting about my date, JDate, and how hard it was to meet someone decent.  She was lovely and we ended up exchanging numbers and making a date for lunch.  She said she wants to set me up on a date so we’ll see how that goes.

It turns out, as I have long suspected, if you are a liar, you search for love on JDate.  I love Jill but I’m done.  1 week and 1 date on JDate is enough to put me over the edge. By walk away of course I mean run.  Is it wrong that I expect Jewish men to be a cut above others?  Yes.  Yes it is.

For any of my readers who date online, please allow me to help you understand the language of online dating.  Here are some common things you hear on a date, along with their translations in regular English. No point in you trying to figure out a code I have already broken.

Online Dating:  I may have withheld some information
Real Life:  I am a sociopathic liar
Online dating:  I am 5’10”
Real Life:  I am 5’5”
Online Dating: Tattoos are cool
Real Life: You look like a slut
Online Dating: Take your time and drive safe
Real Life: If you’re late I’m leaving
Online Dating: I broke up months ago
Real Life: My ex lives with me
Online Dating:  My ex and I are not together
Real Life:  I have a friend with benefits
Online Dating:  I’m one of the good guys
Real Life:  I’m hoping to get laid tonight

This date made me sad.  I can certainly laugh about it, but it made me sad.  I don’t understand why lying is an option, and being rude is okay.  When did being courteous and decent go out of style?  Why is it so hard to just tell the truth?  When did being alone become okay?

With each date I have I am hopeful that maybe it will be great, yet with each date that goes badly, I think that being alone is okay, and that is sad because for me, being alone is not okay.  I want to have a man in my life but honestly did not think it would be this hard to find a good one.

And so my online dating life continues.  I get a bit jaded each time, but luckily, also a little more hopeful.  As long as I can laugh about it, (and blog about it), I will not become bitter.  That said, bitter is the new black so who knows how my story will end.  All I can do is keep the faith.

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Ilana, your code is so accurate that I had to laugh. I have 6 tattoos that are not visible unless I choose, but I am honest about upfront. I was told on a date that a girl who has tattoos is likely to cheat and be a whore. Oh and he asked me if we could “hug” which was his creepy way of trying to feel me up. Yay online dating!

Comment by Heather on 8/10/11 at 8:23 am

i think you stayed 22 minutes longer than u should have, and unfortunately u treated him with much more respect than he deserved

Comment by chris on 8/10/11 at 10:11 am

I am feeling your pain.  I too would of walked out, but flashed him my tattooed ass as I walked out!  Good luck Loser!

Comment by samantha on 8/10/11 at 12:53 pm

Ilana,

In the first few minutes of this date, this guy whined, complained and insulted you.  Why would you continue to sit with him after that?  It’s not rude to walk away from someone who is being rude.  Chris is right, you stayed about 22 minutes too long, actually 32 minutes too long in hindsight.

Also, why is “being alone” not okay?  Lots of people are, by choice or not, and many of them are normal folks who would not insult you upon first meeting.  (They’d wait to get to know you first so they could insult you much more effectively…they’re smart like that).

Comment by Jimmy on 8/10/11 at 1:13 pm

I love you, I am not a lesbian but I love you…..just keep writing about your dates, son and the real housewives.  If any anti-semetic remarks are forthcoming tell them you know one Episcopalian who thinks they stink.

Comment by elaine comstock-leirer on 8/10/11 at 6:02 pm

Girl, you make me proud to know you! Are you sure you weren’t being punked? Seriously, tweet Ashton and double-check (I am sure he follows you!) What a winner- so glad your real Universal purpose for being there was to make a fab new friend and to find some writing fodder! Keep the faith, beautiful, your beshert is out there, getting better all the time smile Hugz

Comment by Dannimac on 8/10/11 at 7:24 pm

JDate is a ripoff.

Comment by lenore on 8/10/11 at 11:05 pm

Ilana,

As a former matchmaker, unfortunately, I’ve found that what you experienced is quite typical of on-line dating. You’re right, there are a lot of sociopaths out to get what they can.

There is a lot you can do to prevent something like this from ever happening again though. Don’t give up on on-line dating yet.

I wrote a free e-book that contains many tips for on-line dating success, and I also have created a free pre-date form (which will be much more effective and take a lot less time than spending 3 hours on the phone before meeting!) that will help to screen out the bad apples: http://www.moregooddates.com.

Cheers,

Stephen

Comment by Stephen on 8/10/11 at 11:20 pm

Jdate, male side. Got contacted by a woman. Great phone conversation and we made plans for dinner three days later. I get off the subway ( this is NY ) Cell rings. She twisted her ankle. Never heard from her again.

I have a question I’d like to throw at your audience Ilana. Woman complain about men all the time. But in my experience I see plenty of 40-50 year old women on Jdate who are good looking ( at least in the photos ) and seem smart and very accomplished. And who NEVER got married. I think something is just has wrong there has the other way.

Comment by Bill P on 8/11/11 at 1:56 am

Reading your story lets me know I wasn’t alone. I understand exactly were you’re coming from. For years I thought there was something wrong with me and I was destined to be alone. Then I started online dating and I felt like this had to be the answer. But 3 years and a zillion crazy dates like yours and I was still no better off. Then after I was totally done and all but hopeless, I met her. Only now, after 5 years of marriage and a 3 year old son, am I able to laugh about my past. In fact I too am writing a blog/book about it. Ilana, your ability to write about your experiences as you face them really shows your strength.
I know you’re going to make it.

Comment by J.Y. Blind on 8/13/11 at 4:25 am

I agree with Jill.  And my motto was and still is, “it only takes one!”  Eleven years ago I was a mid forty, suddenly divorced mother of four…flash forward I am a fabulously happy wife of nine years this month and am still goofy in love.  Had a lot of bad dates…one still sticks in my mind as the guy who wanted to “kiss me in places I had never been kissed before”  YUCK…how’s that for a bad date.  But is does only take one…and my friends who have followed my advice and persevered through have ultimately found incredibly happiness with a great partner as well.  Good luck and don’t get soured.

Comment by Laurie on 8/13/11 at 7:37 am

Ilana sweetie, you look like a nice girl, but most guys, and Jewish guys (even nice, non-sociopathic ones) in particular hate tats on girls. I know a Jewish guy with three big tats and he won’t date a girl with one. Double standard, I know, but it is reality. Do yourself a favor if you want a nice Jewish guy, and get the tats lasered off. You’ll be happy you did - why desecrate your skin?

Comment by Allie on 8/14/11 at 2:07 pm

Thank you all for writing. 

@ Heather: OY!
@ Chris:  One must try to be decent, even when others are not.
@ Samantha: Know that!
@ Jimmy: Being alone is okay, I was speaking only for myself.
@ Elaine:  Thank you!
@ Danni:  I was totally looking for cameras and Ashton!
@ Lenore: AMEN!

Comment by Ilana Angel on 8/14/11 at 2:25 pm

@ Stephen:  Congratulations on your book, but honestly, your book will not help me.  Dating is not something you learn how to do.  You simply cross your fingers and jump.
@ Bill:  I think men have it harder for while they are assholes, women can be desperate and therefore the lies are greater.  God help us all!
@ JY:  Thank you!  I hope my outcome is as good as yours.
@ Laurie:  Thank you for sharing.

Comment by Ilana Angel on 8/14/11 at 2:29 pm

Allie,  I LOVE my tattoos.  They are small, discreet and truly beautiful.  They are all symbolic and mark important things in my life.  The birth of my son, the passing of my father, my son’s bar mitzvah.  I would not get rid of any of them, they matter to me, and if someone can’t look beyond them, when they find them, then I wish them well and send them on their way.

Comment by Ilana Angel on 8/14/11 at 2:32 pm

This is really a hilarious article. Even funnier, atop the article is a banner ad for J-date. I am happily married now but for years I went out on numerous first dates just like yours. It was like dating Pinocchio. And lots of other women had similar experiences, so many that I would like to make a comedy movie about women’s experiences with (bad) first dates.

Comment by Sharon Taylor on 8/15/11 at 1:37 am

Ilana,

Thanks. I understand why you want to take an intuitive approach to dating. My free e-book isn’t about how to date, but how to avoid the time wasters, like the guy you met for sushi.

We also outline the 17 reasons why only 16% of singles looking for love on dating sites find a compatible, long-term relationship and how you can improve your odds.

Hang in there. You’ll meet a good one eventually.

Stephen

Comment by Stephen on 8/15/11 at 3:44 am

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