December 7, 2010 | 9:21 am

Vomit? Fighting? Bleeding?  Must be time for Skating With The Stars!

Posted by Ilana Angel

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No Talent Host: Vernon Kay

Even before the single most horrible hour of television made it to air, things started to fall apart.  Disney “star” Brandon Smith was rushed to the hospital after vomiting during rehearsal.  They say it’s due to food poisoning, but we know the truth.  Being on this show is making him sick to his stomach.

The poor kid probably thought this show would be good for his career and catapult him to stardom, but instead we still don’t know his name and just think he’s an idiot for agreeing to be a part of something so stupid.  Poor thing.  It would make anyone hurl nonstop for hours.

Just as we stopped laughing as his unfortunate situation, we got another news flash that one of the “professional” skaters was cut by the blade of her “celebrity” partner, and was rushed to the hospital.  We were never told her name because nobody knew it, or cared to find out what it was.

So much excitement before the show even started.  The show opened up with the grating sound of the host’s voice.  He is truly horrible.  His accent sounds fake, he has no comic timing, he wishes he was Tom Bergeron, and I imagine we’ll soon see him on Animal Planet hosting Celebrity Dog Walkers.

Up first, “actress” Rebecca Budig.  Impossible for her to be more annoying.  She is rushed to the hospital, only to find out she needs to ice her wrist.  Don’t worry though, she is going to “fight through it!”  Dear Lord, could I hate this show more?

She is a great skater and if we had not been so distracted by her costume, which was a saggy diaper, it would have almost been enjoyable.  The best thing about this show is Johnny Weir and he is wasted here so really, the only reason to watch is to talk about how horrible it is.

Bethenny is next.  She tells her partner the only way for them to get the proper chemistry for their skate about love, is to sleep together.  It was hilarious.  This is a funny girl but she is always “on” and I still don’t understand how she is having the longest 15 minutes of fame ever.

She is rude to the judges and is milking the “I only care what America thinks” card.  It’s Bethenny against Johnny Weir and I’m on team Johnny.  She’s being a bit of a sore loser and coming across as bitchy, which makes sense because she is a bitch and a sore loser.  Just ask Jill Zarin.

Vince Neil is up and I can’t focus on what he is saying or doing because all I want to do is wash his hair.  You need a haircut Vince.  He is a nice looking guy, but the hair makes him look like he parked his shopping cart outside the studio and under his costume he is wetting himself.

Jonny Mosley skated over the finger of his partner.  That’s got to hurt and seems like a big deal, but they brush over it like it’s nothing, which is a little weird.  What I learned during this performance is the skating is better if you fast forward.  It’s over quickly and just looks better.

We listen to Brandon’s partner as they show footage of him hurling.  We find out that he looked like he was “going to die”.  They are judged on a taped rehearsal piece because he is too close to death to perform.  Then his partner fake cries and says she wishes it were her.

This show is so incredibly fake it is mind blowing.  Do the people who make this show not get it is crap?  Does anyone else wish it were Laurieanne who was vomiting herself off?  Who are these people, and why is nobody telling them that they do not belong on television?

Johnny Weir tells Brandon’s partner he should have been at the show and even though the doctor told him he should not skate, he should have come.  Seriously, Weir is the best part of this show.  By the best part of course I mean the only good part.  I want to slap the fake cry out of this girl.

We made it through another week of Skating With The Stars.  The good news is you can get through the entire 90 minutes in about 12.  I’m going to sharpen my own skates and have them standing by.  I will either get on the ice, or impale myself.  Either way, I’m keeping the faith.