Jewish Journal

Rules of Dating & Sex

by Ilana Angel

July 20, 2011 | 9:30 am

Monday was a great day.  I was a guest host on the Keeping It Real Radio Show with Aaron McCargo Jr. and Robert Flutie.  I had the best time and thanks to all my readers who tuned in to the show, and took the time to write me about it.  It was really wonderful to hear from all of you.

Keeping it Real is a weekly show hosted by Robert and Aaron where they talk about anything and everything, in a real and honest way.  They were brave to welcome in a woman’s perspective and it was so interesting for me to hear their position on some of the things I write about here.

They are fun, and I recommend that you listen to them on Monday nights.  I look forward to doing the show again and if you have things you’d like to hear me talk with them about, let me know.  The best part of the show is that nothing is off limits in terms of topics, or their willingness to share.

The “Keeping It Real” Radio Show with Robert Flutie and Aaron McCargo Jr. airs on Monday nights at 4:00 PST - 7:00 EST.  You can listen in Florida on WTAN-AM 1340 / WDCF-AM 1350.  You can also listen online at “Keeping It Real” and I recommend tuning in.  I will be sure to let you know when I’m back on, and hope you will call in, say hello, and give me and the boys a chance to keep it real with all of you.

I wrote a blog last week about the man I met online who wanted to talk about sex in a way that I was not completely comfortable with.  I got a lot of emails about whether I should go out with him and it was suggested by most, including Robert and Aaron, that I not go.  My intention was to pass until I got one particular email.

A lovely man named Nick, who is a regular listener to the radio show, wrote to say I needed to give this man a break and go on a date.  Nick was divorced after 23 years and when he reentered the dating world, he was unsure how things went in terms of sex and stumbled a few times.

He offended some women in his attempt to get a groove going, and figuring out at what speed to approach women with the topic of sex.  It was an honest and enlightening email and it inspired me to go on a date with the gentleman who had I had been speaking with.

So, last night we met for dinner.  We went to a restaurant that I am very familiar with and feel comfortable at.  He arrived and I recognized him right away which is always a pleasant surprise when online dating.  He is tall and handsome, and looked younger than 59.

We spent about two hours at dinner and it was fascinating.  We talked about our kids, work, and life in general.  The main thing we talked about however, was sex.  We spoke of my blog, which he read, and the conversation was much more comfortable in person than on the phone.

When I could see his face, and that he was not aggressive, it was more interesting than scary.  He has strong views what he is looking for in a partner, the most fascinating one bring, if a woman was not willing to have oral sex by date two, he would not continue dating her.

If she cannot determine she wants to be intimate with him after one date, then she was not passionate enough for him.  It was shocking.  He honestly believes that the only way to get to know someone is by having sex with them.  Without sex there is no reason to go forward.

I’ve often spoken with my friends about the 6 date sex rule.  Many women feel that having sex after the 6th date is the way to go.  I’m quite certain however, that if I took a poll, 10 out of 10 women would not agree with the 2nd date oral sex rule, and he is insane to think that will fly.

I imagine he is a one date wonder.  If he is sharing this information with women on a first date, he’s probably not getting a lot of second dates.  In fact, I asked him during our first conversation how match.com was working out for him, and let me know he had had a lot of first dates.

I’ve had a lot of first dates so it was not a big deal, but now having met him, it’s clearly a read flag.  Aside from his ridiculous sex rule, was the fact that once he knew for sure it was not happening with me, he was rude, mean spirited, and went out of his way to hurt my feelings.

When we spoke about sex and when it should happen in a relationship, I said that at this stage of my life I preferred to be in a relationship before having sex, and he said he needed sex to determine if he wanted to have a relationship.  He then likened me to a prostitute.

If he spent money on dinner, didn’t I owe him something?  He was much smoother in how he said it, and then tried to bury the insult and make a joke. Was he telling me I owed him for the money he spent?  He actually asked me how much he would need to spend before sex.

I of course offered to pay for dinner, but he insisted.  Perhaps he thought he still had a chance.  He also paid for my valet parking, which normally is such a sweet and chivalrous action, and instead of thinking it was lovely, I wondered if it was a desperate last attempt at a little action.

If dating means that I need to agree to have oral sex by a second date, then I think I will simply get another cat, take up knitting, and call it a day. I am going to die alone with 18 cats waiting for my grandchildren to come visit if this is what it means to be dating at this stage of my life.

I think sex is important, and at 45 I am not shy to share that I have had sex with someone on a first date.  I actually slept with my ex-husband on our first date.  There was an instant chemistry and connection.  We had a great date, and were together and a couple from that moment on.

I had a three year relationship after my divorce and we dated for almost 3 months before we had sex.  There was chemistry, but I was gun shy and we took our time to get to that place.  We made out, a lot, but I took my time, he let me go at my own pace, so it was safe and wonderful.

The most shocking thing was that he called me to make sure I got home safely, and let me know that while he thought I was lovely, we were clearly not a match, and he wished me luck.  This man had the balls to call and wish me luck? Do I need the luck here?

He determined that there was no way in hell I was going to give him oral sex the next time I saw him, so I was sent on my way and wished good luck. Good luck!  I don’t need luck.  He is telling women without their participation in oral sex he is not interested, and I need luck?  Really?

In the end I stand by the choice to go on the date and thank Nick for his great email.  That said, one of the best things about writing a daily blog about my life and experiences, is that there are so many people who read daily, sincerely wish me well, and care about my choices.

I want you to know I love your support, read your comments and emails, and wish I would have listened to you on this one and not gone.  Thank you for reading, listening, sharing and caring. You’ve got my back and in the end it’s through all of you that I am keeping the faith. 

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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