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The Real Housewives of New York is not The Jill Zarin Show: Take a Xanax and Shut Up Jill

by Ilana Angel

May 7, 2010 | 9:54 am

Jill Zarin

Before we get into this weeks episode, let’s put a few things on the table right from the start.  Jill Zarin is the most narcissistic person on television.  She is worse than Oprah.  If you’ve got a headache, she’s got a brain tumor.  If your stomach hurts, she’s got an ulcer.  If you are not talking about her, she has no use for you.  I am seriously over this woman. 

Furthermore, “Countess” LuAnn is a lunatic.  This woman has no class.  She is an interfering, mean spirited, troublemaker, who is completely out of touch with reality.  Listen Sweetie, you are just a girl that married well.  The only royal thing about you, is the blue of your sweater.  You are a tranny, socialite wannabe.  Buy yourself a trailer, and call it a day.

It’s the night of “Cocktails and Couture” for LuAnn.  They are at Sonja’s home, which by the way, is where LuAnn wishes she lived.  Alex arrives first.  She’s there for two seconds when LuAnn starts scolding her for how she treated Jill. Alex listens to her, tells her she will talk to Jill, and so we wait.  For the record, Alex looks great with her new shiny balls.

Sonja comes downstairs, fashionably late to her own party, and LuAnn is surprised to see she wore her hair up.  Only one person can wear their hair up, and it’s her.  Going back for a second:  LuAnn lost her earring back and asked to borrow one.  Sonja said she has one pair of earring backs for all of her earrings.  Just one.  Really?  Sonja clearly does not like to share.

Jill, Bobby and Kelly arrive.  Jill ignores Alex, which is fine, except they are standing right next to each other.  These chicks are out of control.  Ramona and Mario arrive, along with Jennifer, who is the new gal being introduced.  They are bringing in a lot of new women, probably because we are getting sick of the original group.

It’s Bobby’s turn to confront Alex for her bad treatment of his wife.  I like Bobby.  He is charming, wise, and really loves his wife.  He had cancer last summer, so it’s especially great to see him doing well, and going out.  The thing is, he’s orange.  If Jill really loves him, she will tell him to stop going to the tanning bed.  Seriously, you’re glowing Bobby, and not in a good way.

He asks Alex to talk to Jill and set things straight.  He’s a good man.  Jill is talking to Kelly, and she is crying about how much she misses Bethanny.  She is rehashing, and saying she wants her back.  Translation:  Jill cannot stand it that Bethanny is getting married and having a baby, and she won’t be able to steal her thunder, and have it be all about her.

Ramona’s turn!  She is now talking to Alex about her bad timing in terms of her attack of Jill.  Alex goes to talk to Jill, but Jill won’t talk to her.  She says there is nothing to say, and immediately leaves the party.  Jill is really horrible.  In the first year I loved her, but she is now everything that I hate about women. 

Bethanny is in the car, and heading to the airport with Jason, because her father has called.  Even though she went to see him when she heard he was sick, he would not see her.  Now that the end is near, he has asked for her to come.  It’s heartbreaking.  She has talked to him 3 times since she was four, and it’s his impending death that inspires him to call now.

She calls Ramona from the car, and Ramona is lovely.  She went through a similar reconnection with her estranged father before he died, and says all the right things.  When Ramona is not crazy, she’s great.  It’s nice that when Bethanny is going to her dying father’s bedside, she has the camera’s there.  It’s very generous of her to think of the viewer, in her time of need.

We’re now at the Gotham party that is being thrown for Kelly. As Alex and Simon are walking in, Alex tells him she is over Jill, they are not speaking, and he needs to stick with her, and be her support.  The second they walk in, Simon goes over to Jill and sits with her.  Is he just dumb, or is this show actually scripted for drama?  Reality TV my ass.

LuAnn arrives with her friend Cort.  It appears to be a date, except for the fact that he is gay.  He asks her out on a real date, and because she is so desperate and lonely, she says yes.  She then compares her singing career, to her being the female Barry White.  She is insane.  Didn’t she tell Jill she was dating a Jewish guy that she really liked?  He must have dumped her.

Ramona is picking her dress for her “vow renewal ceremony”.  She puts on a full blown white wedding gown, and goes to show it to her daughter.  Avery is completely mortified by her mother, and we see her wanting to crawl out of her own skin.  She thinks the dress, ceremony, and her mother, are all ridiculous. Ramona better back off or there will be a pole in their future.

We visit with Bethanny in Los Angeles for another minute.  She is taking care of her dad.  It’s closure for her, which is nice.  We don’t see too much, but not to worry because it’s coming.  We see a trailer for her new show, “Bethanny, Getting Married”.  Our little girl is branching out on her own, and leaving the ladies for her own individual stardom.  Oy Vey.

Note to self:  never invite Kelly for dinner because she will bring a “cleanse”, instead of flowers.  Whack-a-doodle.  Ramona, Jill and Sonja are out for lunch at The Four Seasons.  Jill is a bitch.  Ramona invites them both for a girls weekend in the Virgin Islands, to celebrate before her “wedding”.  It’s a cute idea, and completely silly.

Ramona is being lovely and gracious, while Jill is being a complete and total bitch.  She is really not a nice person.  She is mean and selfish, and if the world is not revolving around her, she is bored and rather nasty. In one season, Jill has gone from being the one we could relate to, to the one we want to push down a flight of stairs.

I always thought Oprah was the queen of turning every single conversation to be about her, but I think Jill is now top dog.  It’s disgusting.  They are all at a dinner party, and Ramona tells them Bethanny’s dad died, and all hell breaks loose.  Jill loses her mind.  Ramona is sharing this sad news that has happened, and Jill makes it all about her.

Jill is furious no one told her Bethanny’s dad was dying.  News flash Jill, you are not friends with Bethanny, and it’s none of your business.  You told Bethanny you were done, and wanted nothing to do with her, so don’t be surprised that Bethanny has moved on without you.  Jill is pathetic, and the reason this show sucks.  By sucks, of course I mean rocks.

Jill is totally ruining the party, when Alex arrives and we’re about to get back on the train to Crazytown.  Alex is telling Jill she is a bitch, when Jill tells her to leave.  It’s not your house Jill, so you don’t get to tell people to leave.  Jill may be bi-polar.  She is obsessed with gossip.  She is a meddling mess, and must be stopped.

I am mortified by this show, and it would appear that the best is yet to come.  It’s the most compelling, yet painful season to watch.  It’s a show we can’t wait for each week, and then promise ourselves, we will never watch again.  I can just imagine what will happen when we see the housewives of Beverly Hills.  I’m guessing they take the cake.

Next week looks like it will be mortifyingly delicious.  I truly can’t wait for this season to finish.  We’re already too far in to stop watching, but I’m done.  We have the ladies of New Jersey to keep us entertained.  Jill Zarin is the reason we watch, and the reason we want to turn it off.  Jill needs therapy.  It’s not going to be enough for her to just keep the faith.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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