May 21, 2010 | 10:43 am

The Real Housewives of New York City – Satchels of Gold

Posted by Ilana Angel

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Sonja Morgan - the very best part of this show

Just when you think you need to stop watching the NYC housewives, Bravo does something so fabulous, you are right back in it with the ladies. This week we were presented with a very special gift.  A front row seat, to a housewife’s nervous breakdown.  After all the time we have invested in this show, we were given pure gold, courtesy of Kelly.

The girls are on the boat, talking about their night.  Everyone got a little drunk, did some dancing, and are starting a new day.  Bethenny refers to herself as a chef, and Kelly corrects her by saying she is a cook.  Bethenny is telling her to not speak about what she does not know.  Kelly, for no apparent reason,  responds with, “satchels of gold”, and everyone gets on the train to Crazytown.

Ramona surprises the ladies by moving them off of the yacht, and into a beachfront villa for the remainder of their trip.  Everyone is settling in, and Bethenny gives them all a beach bag, personalized with their initials, and packed with Skinny Girl swag.  It’s cute, and totally a nice gesture.  Kelly gets her bag, thinks it’s gross, and breaks down and cries over the bag.

She then decides she will feel better if she talks to Satan, so she places a call to Jill.  She tells Jill that Bethenny is crazy, and she is having nightmares that Bethenny is going to kill her.  Jill gives useless advice, and says she is worried about Kelly.  Whatever.  Kelly starts crying again, and moaning, and seriously losing her mind.

Morning has come again, Bethenny is making breakfast, and Kelly decides to have a “complaint pad”.  Everyone can write down what is bugging them, then they can crumple it up, and throw it away.  She is a scary, and unstable freak.  That said, she has the most magnificent body.  Ever.  If I had her body, I would walk around naked all day. 

Once again, no one knows what Kelly is talking about.  If you take out all the Bravo fluff, and just focus on Kelly, it would appear that she is suffering from a psycosis of some kind.  She is a danger to herself, and others, and that Bravo is filming it all, is both entertaining and heartbreaking.  You want to turn away, but can’t turn it off.

Kelly, who we already know can’t operate a camera, is going to take everyone’s picture, on the beach, in their bathing suits.  Everyone but Bethenny, who is escaping the madness, and taking a break.  Sonja is gorgeous, and looks beautiful, while Ramona is rocking the smallest bikini I have ever seen on a woman in her 50’s, and she looks fabulous.

I said it last week, and I’ll say it again, these women, and their bodies, are inspiring.  Nice job ladies.  It’s Alex’s turn, and she looks so ridiculous, that I watched her modeling walk at least 20 times, over and over again.  The only thing funnier than Alex’s photo session, is Kelly pretending to be a photographer.

Jill is back.  Sadly.  The show was so great without her last week, and it’s disappointing to see her return. She is practicing her figure skating, and is on the ice.  By on the ice, of course I mean she crashes a rink, and pretends she is there with Johnny Weir, but clearly she is alone, and just being an idiot.  She get’s kicked off the ice.  Fabulous.

Satan and Countless are having dinner.  Satan is gossiping about Kelly, and Countless is being a puppet.  Satan has the brilliant idea that she will surprise the girls, and show up in St. John, unannounced.  Countless goes from telling her not to do it, to telling her it’s a great idea.  I am even more certain Jill should be off the show.

Back at the villa, it’s time for dinner, and Bethenny has prepared a gourmet meal for the group.  Kelly walks in, and is on her cell phone with her kids.  Ramona asks her to step into another room to take the call, Kelly loses her mind, and yells at Ramona.  Ramona invited her on the trip, and she is yelling at her.  She then makes a crack about Bethenny being cook, again, and so it goes on.

Kelly refuses to sit across from Bethenny, and insists that she be moved to another seat.  She tells everyone that Bethenny is psychotic, and they need to beware.  Poor Bethenny is trying to stay clear of the drama, she is keeping her mouth shut, but Kelly can’t let it go. She is making digs at Bethenny every second, and it’s weird.

First course comes out, and everyone eats it but Kelly, who thinks the food is not that great.  Ramona does a very sweet and classy thing, by telling the waiter to not take Kelly’s plate into the kitchen with a full crab cake on it, because she does not want Bethenny to think someone did not like it.  Sonja, my favorite, says she will eat it, because she loved it, and agreed with Ramona.

The main dish comes out, and Sonja says the dinner is 5 star, and she knows 5 star.  Kelly tells her to stop living in the past, and focus on today.  Then she starts raising her voice, and the nervous breakdown is kicking into full swing. Ramona says she is hurt she has not gotten a call from Satan to say she hopes the trip is going well. 

Kelly says she has spoken to Jill, and rather than tell them that she calls her every five minutes to complain and cry, she tells them all Jill wants to talk about, is how Bethenny is.  She is cutting everyone off, won’t listen, talks over anyone speaking, and tells everyone to zip it.  It’s has gone from entertaining, to disturbing.

Ramona says she wants to apologize to Bethenny for the time they were on the Brooklyn bridge.  She wants a moment, and Kelly is being crazy, talking over her.  It’s heartbreaking to watch her because she is unaware of what she is saying, or doing.  It’s as if she is high, or drunk, or more probable, listening to voices in her head.

Ramona leaves with Bethenny so they can have a private moment together.  Ramona acknowledges to Bethenny that Kelly is crazy.  Bethenny comes to Kelly’s defense and says she is not well, and it’s not about being mean, but rather about being crazy.  Sonja and Alex are trying to tell Kelly she was being rude, but Kelly is just not getting it.

Kelly says the entire thing is very “Free to be, you and me,  1979.”  She is making so sense.  It’s as if she is schizophrenic, and her other personalities are coming out.  Kelly now turns her attention to Alex, and tells her she has too much pent up anger.  She tells Alex and Sonja, that Bethanny is trying to kill her. She is unraveling.

Every time someone tries to say something, Kelly tells them to “zip it”.  Bethenny and Ramona are back, and Kelly is talking about Alex delivering Bethenny’s message to Jill.  Kelly is ranting, so Alex, Bethenny and Ramona leave the table, and poor Sonja is stuck there with Kelly.  Sonja is trying to help her, but Kelly is too far gone.

Bethenny is thrilled that Kelly is losing it in front of everyone, not just her.  She feels like she has proof now, and everyone can see Kelly has it out for her.  Bethenny is so happy that Alex and Ramona can see it was Kelly all along, and poor Sonja is stuck watching Kelly lose it, all by herself.

Kelly is crying, telling Sonja that Bethenny is saying bad things about her and her kids to the press.  Sonja says she understands, and asks if there is proof, which of course there isn’t.  Sonja is scared, Kelly is crying, Alex, Ramona and Bethenny return.  I am dying to shut the television, but can’t bring myself to do it.  It’s uncomfortable to watch, and by uncomfortable, of course I mean fabulous.

Bethenny tells Kelly to just tell her what is going on.  She says tell me the truth, I can handle the truth.  She then does her A Few Good Men reenactment about being able to handle the truth, and Kelly burst into hysterical cackles saying “Al Sharpton”.  She seems to think that Bethenny is doing an impersonation of Al Sharpton.  Poor girl.

Kelly is now speaking in gibberish, and makes no sense.  Bethenny assures Kelly she has said nothing to the press.  Kelly then says she is leaving.  She takes her phone and runs off, telling them it’s over.  Sonja is explaining to the girls that Kelly is not well, and they are dealing with a crazy person.  Then Kelly comes back with a bag of jellybeans, as if nothing happened.

Kelly is just standing there, eating candy, oblivious.  All the girls are saying she is not well, and are worried about her.  Then Kelly starts up with Bethenny again.  She says her being there, right after her dad died, is creepy.  Ramona tries to tell her she went away when her mom died, but Kelly shuts her up with zip it.

Kelly tells Bethenny she’s been throwing up because she thinks she is going to kill her.  Bethenny starts screaming to Kelly that she is crazy, and needs to go to sleep.  Sonja is yelling to not be mean to Kelly, because she is not well, and Kelly is just standing there, eating candy, and not seeming to get what is happening.

Sonja tells Kelly she is sick, but Kelly insists she is fine.  Sonja reminds her she thinks Bethenny is going to kill her, and she thinks Alex is a vampire.  Bethenny assures Kelly she means her no ill will, and is not trying to hurt her.  Sonja is trying to help and protect her, but then Kelly tells Sonja to zip it.

Ramona says she wants good things for everyone, and Kelly repeats, good things for everyone, good things for everyone.  Then she says thank you to everyone, and sits there as if someone turned off her switch.  It is heartbreaking.  This woman is really in need of some help.  The worse thing that can happen is for Satan to show up, but she’s coming.

This week’s show was fascinating.  We are watching the lives of these women unravel, and it’s not amusing, as much as it is horrific.  I think it’s time to wrap this one up, before something happens that takes it all just too far.  We have New Jersey, and Beverly Hills is coming.  Maybe scrap everyone but Sonja, and start over.

I think after the New York City reunion show, Andy Cohen needs to send these ladies on their way.  I cannot wait until next week with Satan arriving, and everyone pissed off she is there.  There are of course “satchels of gold” still available, mostly through Sonja, so we’ll see what happens.  As for Kelly, the only thing we can do, is wish her well, and hope she can keep the faith.