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The Real Housewives of New York City – Money Can’t Buy You Class

by Ilana Angel

May 28, 2010 | 1:06 am

Give this woman her own show!

Just as I’m finally absorbing everything that happened on last week’s show, it’s time for another one.  We ended with Kelly searching for satchels of gold, and we begin with her making a stealth departure in the middle of the night.  She left a note to Ramona saying she needed to take care of her girls.  Translation:  Bravo got her the hell out of there before they had a suicide or mass murder on their hands.

Bethenny, Sonja, Ramona and Alex are having breakfast, relieved that Kelly has gone home.  They are worried about her, and have decided they just need to let it all go, because they are not dealing with a healthy person.  Really? It took them this long to figure out Kelly was not well?  I seriously think all these chicks should sue Bravo for putting them in harms way.  I wonder if psychological tests are done before you can become a housewife.

The ladies are all getting pedicures together, finally enjoying a peaceful last day of vacation.  Then, out of nowhere, you hear a screeching yell.  First you think an animal is being tortured, but then, once you get your bearings, you realize it’s just Jill Zarin. Seriously, this woman’s voice makes me want to pour cement in my ears to block it out.  It is painful to listen to her.  It’s a weird, kvetchy, cackle, and it’s annoying.

They are all blown away, pissed off, and the bubble of bliss has popped.  Jill walks in, to an all girls get away, that she said was stupid, with her husband.  I feel bad for Bobby.  Not only has be had to fight cancer, but the business that his family spent decades building, is now forever tainted by his shrill, narcissistic, wife.  She has done nothing this season, but show herself as a crazy person, who must love herself, because no one else does.

Everyone’s reaction is just bizarre.  It’s so completely over the top, and blown out of proportion, that you can’t help but laugh.  It’s awkward, uncomfortable, and no matter how much you dislike Jill, you almost feel sorry for her, that she is made to feel so bad.  By feel sorry for her, of course I mean serves you right for being a crazy bitch Jill.  Jill Zarin, meet Karma.  Karma, meet that girl we’ve been telling you about.

Jill seriously has no idea why everyone is so upset.  She does not get why they are not thrilled to see her.  At the end of the day, Kelly may very well be insane, but all of these chicks are crazy.  It is like watching high school.  The mean girls are out of control.  The nice ones, are actually mean ones, in disguise.  Bravo needs to give Sonja her on show, about being single in New York City, and kick these other lunatics to the curb.

Bethenny sits there and says nothing.  Sonja sits there wondering what the hell she is doing there.  Ramona’s eyes are going nuts, and Alex is about to have a seizure of some kind.  Poor Alex.  You gotta love this chick.  With all her weirdness, she means well, is a good friend, and has been bullied by Jill, to the point where even seeing her, makes her crumble into a blob of mush.  It’s sad really.  You can see the pain in her face, and you want to help her.

Jill leaves, Ramona goes out to talk to her, and explain that she is sorry about how everything is going down, but Jill does not get it.  We spend a lot of time talking about how crazy Kelly is, but Jill is just as much of a lunatic as Kelly, if not more, because she is completely aware of what she is doing, whereas Kelly has no clue.  As Ramona is talking about what is happening, Jill makes it all about her.

Jill says over and over, how mean all the girls are, how they kicked her out, and she is crying, and whining, and does not get it.  She does horrible things, says horrible things, then forgets what she did and said.  She is in the car with Bobby, telling him how she wanted to have peace, and be with everyone.  I am so sick of all the love and light crap these chicks are spewing.  There is no love, or light.  There’s just cameras, and really bad acting.

Jill is gone, Kelly is gone, and finally there is peace.  The ladies are talking about babies, and sonograms, and growing tummies, when Ramona chokes.  Literally.  She is fine, but this one second of panic, is enough to show us that Sonja Morgan is divine, and needs to have her own show.  Between her ability to give the Heimlich to both humans and dogs, and her desire to have a defibrillator in her home, she is television perfection.

The Real Housewives of New York City must be cancelled immediately, and replaced with “Sonja In The City”.  We can follow her around, see how she lives, go on her dates, all of it.  This woman is fabulous.  She is funny, charming, and cute as hell.  Bethenny got her own show, and now it’s time for Sonja.  I could care less about anyone else on this show.  They had a few good years, time to wrap it up.  It’s Sonja time Bravo!

Alex and Sonja are going to give a little bridal shower to Bethenny and Ramona.  After a lovely dinner, with great food, and a lecture on male genitalia by Sonja, Alex gives both Betthenny and Ramona handcuffs.  It’s hilarious.  Ramona has no clue how they work, what they are for, or why she was given them.  Sonja questions how Ramona keeps her love life “up to date”.  Seriously Bravo, it’s Sonja time.  Give this woman a show already.

Jill, Kelly, Countless, and Jen Gilbert are having lunch.  Jen is the new chick, and boring, who cares.  Countless has cut her hair and has wings growing out the side of her head.  The girls are gossiping like there is no tomorrow.  Countless asks Kelly what happened, and Jill has to make some stupid comment about how she already knows.  This is why we can’t stand you Jill.  Shut up already.  This is not about you.  Actually, it’s never about you.

Sidebar:  Jill tells Countless that it’s too bad her single won’t be released in time for her party, so she can put it in the goody bags.  Countless is appalled that Jill would think she would give them away. Stick by your guns Countless Darling. Don’t give away a single one!  When you sell them for $0.96, as a combo pack with your book on eBay, it will add up before you know it!

Kelly is rambling about how she does not like to gossip, yet she is gossiping.  She then recounts the weekend, and nothing that she tells them is true.  She is insane.  This woman needs to be in a hospital resting, but Bravo is a ratings whore.  We will watch the show if she’s there or not, so let the poor woman go skip through the daisy’s in a nice white jacket.  I am disgusted by this show today.  Not enough to stop watching, but still disgusted.

Sidebar:  Remember those blow up clown punching bags, that used to be around when we were kids?  The kind that had sand in the bottom, with a round edge, so no matter how many times you hit it, it popped back up?  I want one, with the face of the Countless on one side, and Jill on the other.  That would be the greatest gift ever.  I’m going get myself one.  Not kidding.  I want one, I will get one, and I will use it.  Daily.

Sonja is having a party, and everyone but Jill is there.  Countless is gossiping.  She cannot stand it that she may not know everything, and always says she hopes people are not talking about her.  Is she kidding?  She lives for people talking about her.  The girls step out of the party to talk about the trip.  Countless tries to understand, and defend Kelly, but there’s no point.  Countless sees that perhaps Kelly is not playing with a full deck of cards.

It’s time for Jill’s holiday party.  It’s a skating party at Bryant Park.  Sidebar:  When Jill was first planning the party with Jen, she said the party had to happen at Wollman Rink in Central Park.  She talked about how she knew Donald Trump, who owns the rink, and she could get him to give it to her, and it was a must have.  Hey Jill, being at the same party as Trump, does not make you his friend, or the ability to call in a favor.  Just saying.

Jill is hosting her party, and all she wants to talk about, is how much she misses Bethenny.  She is talking to her sister, and telling her she wants to fix things.  Translation:  Bethenny is going to get a ton of press with the wedding and baby, and Jill wants to make sure she is in some of those pictures.  She’ll suck up and cave, as long as it gets her in People and InTouch with Bethenny and the baby.

Jill puts on a ridiculous skating dress, and before she skates, she lets us know her sates are too tight.  She is prepping us for how much she will suck, before she steps foot on the ice.  She goes to start her little routine, and immediately falls flat on her face.  Hilarious.  Even funnier than her wipe out, is that she does one spin and needs to quit because it’s too cold.  Really?  Too cold for skating?  On ice?  In the winter? She’s an idiot.

Ramona arrives, and Kelly immediately makes a b-line for her, and wants to attack her for abandoning her on the trip.  Ramona tells her she will talk to her tomorrow, not at the party.  Kelly won’t leave her alone, and immediately slips right back into her mental breakdown.  One of my readers suggested that Kelly’s craziness towards Bethenny, is because she is in love with her.  I’m thinking there could be some truth to that.  How great is that theory?

Jill gives a little speech welcoming everyone to the party.  She says it’s for their closest family and friends, then they cut to a shot of Countless with her ridiculous record producer.  Closest friends?  Whatever Whackadoodle.  Jill talks to Ramona.  She wants, peace, love and light, and wants to stop fighting with everyone.  Translation:  She wants to be on the cover of People with Bethenny and the new baby.

Next week is the season finale, and all I can say is thank God.  I’m so over it.  The finale will give us Ramona’s renewal ceremony, Jill and Bethenny having lunch, and Countless performing her song at a party.  I shall watch it, love it, and be grateful that’s it’s done.  As for next year, again, Dear Bravo, cancel this show for New York, and give Sonja a show, all by herself.  Are you listening to me Andy Cohen?  I’m keeping the faith.

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