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August 30, 2010 | 9:32 pm

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Implode & Must Be Cancelled

Posted by Ilana Angel

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Danielle, Andy and Teresa participating in the madness.

In terms of the reality of reality television, this show is quite simply the most disgusting show on television.  I am embarrassed for these women, their children, and their families.  They need to all be gathered up as a group and have the crap kicked out of them.  Seriously ladies, grow the hell up.

I have avoided this show like the plague.  I’ve gotten sucked in a couple of times, which has been painful.  I try to look away but I can’t stop.  My eyes start bleeding but I can’t stop watching.  They are repulsive women, and I do not understand why they have not been cancelled.

Within the first few minutes of the reunion Teresa proves that she is a skanky, disgusting pig.  This woman is horrible, and the entire season has been focused on how Danielle is an unfit mother, but let’s call a spade a spade.  Teresa is ridiculous and needs to be locked up.

It is clear from the get go that this is a gang attack on Danielle.  They came to the table ready to fight.  You’ve got to know this show needs to be off the air when you watch and are actually cheering for Danielle.  Danielle is a whackadoodle and yet I feel bad for her.

To be clear, when I use the word “lady” to describe any woman on this show, what I really mean is “psychotic bitch”.  That would use up too much space so if you don’t mind, whenever you read the word “lady”, substitute it with “psychotic bitch” and you will know how I really feel.

Teresa is calling Danielle a whore for having sex in her home with Steve.  She calls Danielle out for being slutty, which is fascinating since we saw Teresa mount her husband on television.  Just because you are married, does not mean you are classy.  Teresa is just as bad as Danielle.

The sarcasm is dripping like an annoying faucet.  I’m fascinated by how they are all acting and all I want to do is shut the television, yet I watching in horror.  If I were from New Jersey, I would rather people tell me I remind them of the chicks of Jersey Shore over the “ladies” of Bravo.

Important to note, I have always been a fan of Andy Cohen, but he could not be less attractive than he was tonight.  He is a celebrity whore.  This guy is all about money and not the well being of the “ladies” who are making him all the money.  Be careful Andy.  You are becoming a pig.

We find out the accusation from last year’s reunion show, that caused Caroline to cry and lose her mind, was that Danielle tried to have Lexi taken away from Dina.  I think Danielle needs to be under medical care, but I do not think she tried to have Lexi taken from Dina.  Just not buying it.

They are talking about some nonsense and Teresa freaks out.  She stands up, gets in Danielle’s face in a seriously threatening way, and I start praying it’s all a dream and I’ve just dozed off in front of an old episode of The Sopranos.  Teresa proves she is truly a piece of garbage.

To say she is cursing like a sailor would be unkind to the military.  She is screaming and cussing like a coke whore who just realized she has no more drugs and no one around to screw for money so she can get more crack.  If I were Italian I would be mortified that this woman was my people.

Teresa is being gross, and Jacqueline is fixing her hair, oblivious to what has just happened and clearly thinking about why there are no snacks out.  Danielle is in the back crying and I actually feel sorry for her.  Her hairdresser is calming her down while her lesbian lover is comforting her.

Andy is making light of the whole thing, and laughing with Teresa which is really disgusting.  Why is nobody suing his ass for putting their lives and mental health in danger?  Hey Andy Cohen, you’re going to hell my friend and there is not a lot of time to turn that decision around.

Every time Danielle speaks, one of the “ladies” talks over her or says something sarcastic.  It’s annoying.  Caroline is talking about her kids and cries, and Danielle says to get her a tissue.  Is it just me or is Danielle looking like a lady, while the other girls are looking like “ladies”?

Sidebar:  The entire conversation that Andy has with Teresa about her financial woes is a complete and total pile of crap.  I do not believe one single thing she says about any of it.  She is insane, put her husband into bankruptcy and should go live in a trailer for a year.  Liar.

Additionally: The entire conversation that Andy has with Teresa about Joe and his drunk driving arrest is a complete and total pile of crap.  I do not believe one single thing she says about any of it.  She is insane, drove her husband to drink, and should go live in a trailer for a year.  Liar.

They talk about Danny, and Danielle says she never slept with him, was not the cause of his divorce, and he’s not that big a deal to her.  Meanwhile, she spent the entire season talking about how much she loved him and cared for him. He was her friend yet she sells him down the river.

She claims the Sweet Sixteen party was donated and she spent no money.  Whatever.  She says she was a born again virgin because she was refraining from sex, but now she is sexually active again.  Whatever.  Does Andy not have anything of interest to ask her?  This useless crap.

Danielle won’t come out and say she is pretending to be a lesbian.  It’s now boring and as Danielle is talking about her girlfriend, I am daydreaming about slapping Andy Cohen across the face.  Danielle then says she is what she is on television because of how she is edited.

Caroline calls her out on the statement by saying it has nothing to do with editing, and they all are exactly what we see on Bravo.  Then Caroline channels Kelly and says something about Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride that makes absolutely no sense.  Satchels of gold Sweetie.

Andy now wants to talk about Danielle’s sex tapes.  Apparently this is more about an update with Danielle than a reunion with all the girls.  They are still talking about the sex tapes but I gauged my eyes out and needed to grab a towel so I missed part of that conversation.

Danielle seems to think that her kids have no idea about what is going on with their mother because they do not watch the show.  Really?  Danielle, I can assure you that your kids know every single thing that you say and do, and are plotting their escape at this exact moment.

Caroline is now ranting about the Okay Corral and actually says “yippee ki-yay”.  Is she kidding?  Is she drunk?  Who are these people and why are they on television?  What happened to the good old days of Tamara, Vicky, Jill and Ramona?  We were all so happy then.  Bravo sucks.

The worst, and yet best part of this reunion, is that it will continue next week.  I am seriously going to pray that next week will be the last we see of these “ladies”.  I’m over it and think they are a danger to themselves and each other.  Will they be cancelled?  I’m keeping the faith.

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Thanks Ilana for your prompt, detailed review.

But, OUCH watching that was like having a bikini watch a vew days before your period.

The lying and denial was rampant.

I need a few days to digest. BS overload, need to sift through it.

Gotta make a compliment though. Looks like Danielle cut back on the Botox. Her eyebrows looked like they moved back to their natural place and she looked softer and more natural. Also LOVED the ted sequin skirt. I would totally wear that, and I am probably alone here, but my fashion style is avant guard.

Sorry about my rampant typos, but I type from an ITouch.

Comment by Nell C of NYC on 8/30/10 at 10:05 pm

Yes, you know it’s bad when Danielle starts looking like the sane one.  The “ladies” were like a pack of dogs. Were it not for this show, would Daniella have so much power over La Famiglia Manzo?  It’s amazing how one woman could keep the “ladies” whipped up into a frenzy for so long.  Some Italian groups spoke out against the Sopranos & Jersey shore, but I have not heard anything about this.

Comment by ladyblala on 8/31/10 at 4:24 am

For Caroline to have no apologies for saying a 16 year old and an 11 year old have no light in them like other children and they look vacant in their eyes knowing that their friends in school will use those words to torture them, confirmed by Jacqueline, is unforgiveable in my opinion and this is not Caroline first unforgivable act against a child.

If Caroline’s daughter Lauren was facing a permanent criminal record as Ashley was facing, Caroline have held everything she had in a protected her daughter first and would have never called Danielle a clown or garbage.  Caroline would have only thought about her child’s future and not about herself.  That’s what real mothers and a real friend of a mother or real aunt would have done.  Then Caroline goes back and lies to her father and they soak it up because they want to believe that she is a woman of her word and a protector but she’s a fraud.  Caroline’s meeting with Danielle shows that she doesn’t put Jacqueline’s interests or Ashley’s interest first because they aren’t blood family to her.  In my opinion Caroline will protect her brother Chris’s sons better than she did Ashley.

Comment by jurahar on 8/31/10 at 8:19 am

Ilana, I didn’t see this episode—I just cannot watch these vermin any longer.  I know—I’ll probably see it sometime (when hubby isn’t around to ridicule me for watching it) because Bravo whores it on their channel at least 10,000 times per week.

I cannot STAND Teresa.  She is the worst, piece of trash of all of them.  Cannot stand her.  Go live in a trailer for a year, indeeed, Liar! 

Nice summary, Ilana—I’d prefer to not watch.  After all, if we quit feeding it, it will GO AWAY! (please!).

Comment by Anita Vacation on 8/31/10 at 9:29 am

Reading this recap and the comments make me even more happy that I haven’t spent one second watching this show.  I’m on the fence right now as far as whether I’ll continue watching OC and NYC because surely there are better things I can do with my time.

Comment by Kathy on 8/31/10 at 2:12 pm

Great summary as usual! I totally agree Danielle is crazy, but the others are worse and totally obsessed with her. One of the comments really made me think about the “showdown” between Danielle and Caroline. I think Big Red went there thinking she could declare it should be “done” and Danielle would just drop the charges. She’s beyond full of herself and that little brat needs to learn about consequences since obviously her mother never taught her. Its almost like Teresa STILL not admitting any fault or apologizing for her horrible excessive spending. They feel they are above any accountability yet hold Danielle up to a higher standard. Last but not least, Teresa is certifiable - that guttural primal scream was one more link to her being in the Geico family and gave new meaning to ape sh!t….

Comment by Monchi_Is_Nutz on 8/31/10 at 3:10 pm

Hi Ilana, Wow what a crazy group of ladies. I still have to say I think Caroline is the most sane, even though she comes off a little harsh many times. But I give her credit for taking responsibility for all things she said, both good and bad. And the only interesting moment on the show, to me, was when Danielle said that her children never see her un-ladylike behavior on the show. But then Danielle said they were hurt by Caroline saying they looked unhappy. Caroline was right. Which is it Danielle, do they see it all or do they see none of it? That told me Danielle is just twisting everything around to make herself look good. Of course, I think Danielle is just a big botoxed blow-hard and a very clever story teller. She does need to go away. Quickly. Everything about her is very hard to watch, wardrobe, hair, vocabulary, pole dancing, everything.

Comment by PRyan on 8/31/10 at 3:17 pm

First off when I saw the show I was thinking. “I can’t wait to read keeping the faith” You are awesome. As far as the show. THEY ARE GARBAGE. If I wanted to hear that much yelling. I would go to family reunions. HAHA I don’t believe anything they say. What is wrong with Andy? He has sold out!! These shows are horrible now. It used to be my reality crack. Now crack is whack. No more housewives for me. P.S I got married on Friday!! Eloped!! Love your blog!!! Have a great day!!

Comment by Dawn on 8/31/10 at 6:14 pm

@ Nell:  I need to watch it again too.  I missed so much with all he yelling.
@ Lady:  These chicks are the worst thing to ever happen to New Jersey.
@ Jura:  Agreed!  Right on.
@ Anita:  Good you missed it!  Wish I had.
@ Kathy:  Seriously not worth watching new Jersey.
@ Monchi: Danielle was charming which is a sign of the apocalypse.
@ Pryan:  What I wouldn’t give to get that hour of my life back.
@ Dawn:  Oh.  My.  God.  Yay for you!!  Congratulations and Mazel Tov!  I could not be more happy for you and your new husband.  I am keeping the faith!

Comment by Ilana Angel on 8/31/10 at 6:27 pm

hahaha! If it had gone on much longer Jacqueline would prolly have started munching on the sofa. Or her own dress.

It’s Official! HWONJ are the the WORST EVER! Teresa is grotesque. Caroline is just plain nasty with delusions of grandeur New Jersey style. And I what the hell—they made Danielle look dignified, fergodssake.
Andy sold his puny little soul w/ the editing of HWONY, yep, he’s hellboubd alright.

Comment by Leslie on 8/31/10 at 6:39 pm

Finally watched last night since Bachelor Pad rendered me unconscious on Monday. I have no words for these womans anymore!  Teresa must have been a nightmare as a child and the rest are all just so classless.
I can’t wait for part 2.  I hate Andy Cohen. He makes me ill!
Ilana, are you still watching Bachelor Pad?
I can no longer listen to Tenly speak like a little girl..her behavior is so juvenile.

Comment by irene on 9/01/10 at 3:03 am

We expect drama, irrationality, bad taste, botox, silicone and collagen,  classless trash that married rich, ruthless campaigns to bring people down and general back stabbing in the RH series. BUT in NJ…these womAn (not a typo) are mutton dressed up as lamb and they are either married to criminals or drink smoothies with them at the local diner. Honestly, Caroline has some nerve preaching morality when most of her wealth comes from organized crime.  The Brownstone is a successful catering hall but it doesn’t make enough profit to pay for a multi-milion dollar home in Franklin Lakes. It is a mafia front. Its all sickening and I am not sure I have the stomach to watch the 2nd episode.

Comment by Nell C of NYC on 9/01/10 at 1:00 pm

As long as we are on the topic…Jacqueline Laurita was a stripper back when she lived in
Las Vegas. I could be wrong, but I think Ashley was born out of wedlock.

Comment by Nell C of NYC on 9/01/10 at 5:43 pm

People are born into families where they are either forced (as children) or acclimated (as children) to lifestyles of which others do not approve, may even be illegal. And likely not always easy to get free either, things we others hopefully will never be up against. So I choose to expect the best from others but also be understanding when they fall short, way short. I do draw the line at physical violence or the threat thereof must be stopped in its tracks: Teresa, Jacque’s daughters, and the things that Danielle implies might or could happen to people because of who she chooses to keep around her as a threat to others.

All the women have spun things to make them not seem so wrong, only human. And that is only human. Remember, the more drama they create the more people watch and talk: money in the pocket. It ensures they are on TV. And much if not all of it could actually be completely staged and we are all the numchucks here. Not only is show interesting, but watching its impact on all of us is even more so I think.

Comment by Lee on 9/03/10 at 7:12 am

Ok so I do not watch this version of Real Housewives, other than seeing bits here and there from commercials, BUT I did watch the reuniion show today and HOLY CRAP, what a freakin’ train wreck!  ( and by train wreck I mean what a lying, classless, gauche bunch of trash)...anyway I now have to watch the 2nd part on Monday….

My life is looking better and better!

Comment by tracy on 9/04/10 at 1:58 pm

I think you meant you gouged your eyes out, not gauged?
Me, I enjoyed watching the Jersey crazies, uh, ladies all season.

Comment by Deirdre on 9/06/10 at 2:50 am

ilana,
gauged or gouged…
it doesn’t really matter we all understood what you meant.
typos, misspelling or just a plain jane ‘freudian slip’ of the tongue. there are no words to make any of these ladies look any better, worse or in different. they are a mess—before brovo, during filming and when the lights are off.
rotten to the core—B.C. after A.C.—meaning before cameras and after cameras—what a rotten mess.
i’m just sayin’...
(o.m.g.)
side note: check out those ‘gauged’ ear holes…sick and that is bad sick not good sick!!

Comment by zero milligrams (o.m.g.) on 9/13/10 at 9:34 am

Housewife Reality Shows

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, wouldn’t you know,
There’s an abundance of silliness, “The Housewife” reality shows,
Chaka Khan sang, “I’m Every Woman” & they changed the tune,
What did it take? It took a television camera and not a full moon.

In the 1950’s, Nat King Cole had a very entertaining variety show,
The majority population wouldn’t buy Westinghouse, they let it go,
When, “America” complained to the sponsor telling them, “hell no,”
Because they understood you can’t make bread without any dough.

Now comes The Real Housewives of New York, Jersey, Beverly Hills,
Shop all day, drink wine at lunchtime and snack on prescription pills,
Make-up so thick, they look like stiffs in a morgue or circus clowns,
Prancing back & forth in luxury automobiles & the cheesiest gowns.

However, many times when these, “Housewives” open their mouth,
A most filthy tirade of hate-laden profanity like a mudslide flows out,
They are the shows teens and pre-teens love to watch and emulate,
Is it any wonder why these kids feel it’s ok to party & stay out late?

In the battle for tougher standards and higher education we loose,
Students don’t know the last four presidents but they know booze,
Just by a commercial, color of the can or bottle or from the smell,
And the closest store that sells alcohol to minors they readily tell.

Home! Little concern about school books, just where’s the remote,
Can’t answer a test question correctly, easily recite the latest joke,
Certainly this can’t be all, yeah that’s true however there is enough,
Question: Where are the parents while they are watching this stuff?

Necklines are way to low, her skirt way to short, this dress is right?
Forget not at the drop of anything these, “ladies” are ready to fight,
They use the B-word more than pimps or groups that gangster rap,
When are the sponsors finally going to say, “enough of this crap.”

As they discuss sex outside the marriage like ordering a pizza pie,
Let’s see, extra cheese, mushrooms, onions, anchovies piled high,
Real Housewives spend time with their kids in the park, at the zoo,
And stay up late in the night helping them with their homework too.

At the mall they teach their children how to shop for the best deal,
This crap on television about getting the most expensive is not real,
And what these tv housewives spend on just a single bottle of wine,
A real mom for a week or more, her real family of five can finely dine.

Shows like this portray an injustice to, “real” housewives everywhere,
Very degrading, demeaning, insulting, it needs to be taken off the air,
The term, “housewife” has long been outdated as many of them work,
Even if the job is, “just being a mom” few have time to be dishing dirt.

Surprisingly enough again maybe not guess who is watching it too?
I love this adage, just a simple case of, “monkey see, monkey do,”
No way is this how a real mother, parent, guardian, lives their lives,
Their titles should be changed to, ”Bogus, Unrealistic Housewives.”

By Luke Easter

Comment by Luke Easter on 10/24/10 at 7:39 am

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