May 5, 2010 | 9:34 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
The Real Housewives of New Jersey have returned to Bravo. As much as the ladies say they are nothing like the Sopranos, they are. It’s all stereotypes, and of course there is no connection. Except for the Italian, New Jersey, threats, hooker past, drug busts, family ties, threats, and vindictive parts, nothing is the same.
We start out seeing that Jacqueline had her baby, Nicholas. Gorgeous baby and you find yourself genuinely happy for her because she was so open about her struggles to have this baby last season. Good for her that she was able to have another child.
We get a quick look at Dina, who has decided she wants nothing negative in her life. Everything from a vase, to Danielle. If it makes her unhappy, it’s out. She is looking for peace and quiet. Good for her. She lives in a bubble, but good for her. I must say, she has the two freakiest cats I’ve ever seen.
Danielle has hair extensions. She looks like a skanky hooker. The kind that stands on a corner with holes in her hose. She starts off talking about how she is turning to God for help. Everyone who has crossed her will need prayers. She is after all, a devout Catholic.
I’m not sure what it means to be a devout Catholic, but I’m quite certain that she must be an embarrassment to her church. This chick is a whackadoodle and I’m not sure that even prayers can help her. She may just be too far-gone for help. Luckily we have an entire season to decide.
She is sitting with Father Richard, who she was told would be a great person to talk to. She starts spewing all her crap about the ladies, and how they have done her wrong. He is lovely, and listens, but by the end, I think he is a little frightened by her, and probably burned his outfit since she touched it.
Danielle is now yelling at Father Richard that he needs to teach her how to pray for the other ladies. They need help. This woman is seriously disturbed and I think, unwell. She is going to implode, which is sad, but we get to watch, which is great.
We now go visit Teresa. She is making 180 jars of red sauce. Her Italian parents are there, all the kids are helping, and it’s a serious operation. They are real Italian, and it is fabulous. That she cooks this massive amount of sauce, enough for the entire year, is great.
The oldest daughter Gia, tells her mom she loves how they make the sauce. It’s tradition, and lovely to see Teresa passing it on to her daughters. The grandmother then tells Gia that she will marry an Italian. Gia tells her Grandmother that her mother told her not to marry an Italian.
Remember the girl is 8. Teresa tells her to marry a Jew because they cater, and bow down to their wives. Gia says she does not want to marry a Jewish person because they make their kids grow their hair weird on the sides of their head. Teresa shuts up her kid real quick, and we move on.
Caroline, my personal favorite, goes shopping with her husband Albert. He has lost 70 pounds, after having lap band surgery. He looks great, and how she loves him is great. When he comes out in a suit, Caroline starts crying because he looks so good. I love this chick.
Jacqueline and her husband Chris are now talking about Danielle. Apparently Danielle has not reached out at all since the birth of the baby. No call, no card, no flowers, no nothing. Chris tells her that she is not welcome in his home, and he is done with her. Family comes first, and he has set the rules.
She is not going to listen, and says she will not abandon her. This is fabulous since Danielle has clearly abandoned Jacqueline. You cannot watch this show and not think about the Sopranos. Important to note, we loved the Sopranos. Just saying.
It’s the first day of school and Teresa is getting her brood ready. She is about to pop with her fourth baby, and does not know if she is having a boy or girl. The kids are having meltdowns. Hey Teresa, just for the record, you can’t turn a guy gay by taking him shopping. You seem unclear on that.
Danielle is shopping with her girls. They are stunning, and so completely mortified by their mother that it’s painful to watch. She is talking to the shop owner Kim. Kim tells her they are friends, not to worry, she is not alone, and she can count on her no matter what.
Jacqueline’s daughter Ashley, 18, is going out with Derek, 23. She is living with a friend, and doing nothing with her life. Chris is talking to Derek, while he is sharpening knives, and channeling his best Tony Soprano. They are talking about sex, and it’s funny and brilliant.
Caroline is having a fundraising dinner at her house for the local Sheriff, and the kids are there helping get ready. Albie, the oldest son, is best friends with Pussy, I mean Vito. Vito is now dating Albie’s sister, Lauren. Seriously, these people are fabulous, in a total Tony and Carmella kind of way.
Daniele is getting her toes done, and mortified to hear she was not invited to the party at Caroline’s. This chick needs to be medicated. I think she is a danger to her kids, and herself. She is crazy. Not kooky crazy, but take away your kids crazy.
At the party they are all trashing Danielle. Kim from the shop is there, and telling the girls she is not her friend, when she just told Danielle she’s got her back. I feel bad about how much they are ganging up on Danielle, but she brought it on herself, and there is no protecting her.
Danielle is in her car with her girls. She is driving to the party, that she was not invited to, to see what’s going on. She is talking to her girls about how women treat each other, and losing her mind with each word. She went from wanting to drive by, to now going in and confronting Caroline.
Her kids are pleading with her to go home, and it’s not cool to go there. I feel so bad for these kids. They will both end up on the pole because of their mother. Bad enough she is digging a whole for herself, but she is taking her kids with her into hell.
Did anyone notice that Danielle has an accent all of a sudden? She did not sound like this last year. She is totally digging the Soprano comparisons, and is running with it. The fake accent is very entertaining, and by entertaining of course I mean delusional.
It’s going to be an interesting season. We know they are all alive and well since it was taped so long ago, but that does not matter. We will still watch, waiting for the hit to go down. Italian American groups should leave the kids of Jersey Shore alone, and look in the suburbs for the real embarrassment.
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