November 14, 2011 | 10:37 pm

The Problem With Men in Sports Cars

Posted by Ilana Angel

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I spent Monday running errands, and travelled through Sherman Oaks, Beverly Hills, West Hollywood and Los Feliz.  I saw a total of seven sports cars, all driven by men, who if given the opportunity, I would punch in the face.  Five of them were very attractive, two of them I never got a good look at, but all were really, really bad drivers.

All the men were distracted by their own reflections in the mirrors of their really beautiful cars.  I don’t care about cars.  I certainly appreciate a nice car, and good for them that they have such impressive wheels, but it is my belief that these cars are hiding something for these men.  There is definitely a deficiency at play.

None of these men could drive.  They were either too slow, too fast, on the phone, staring at themselves, or scoping out chicks on the street.  Perhaps they are really short and feel a fancy car can make up for it?  Might it be there is a small penis involved?  Could they be going through a mid life crises?  I wondered about these questions all day.

Out of the seven men in sports cars that I encountered today, I honked at 3, flipped the bird at 2, and cursed out the remaining 2.  My windows were closed so they did not hear my screaming, and they were not paying attention to what was happening, thus the flipping of the bird was not noticed.  As for the honking, it did not phase them.

Isn’t part of the joy of having a fancy sports car driving it properly?  Is there any joy in driving your Bentley like you’re a 90 year old woman?  Do you want to drive a sports car and have people look at you and think you’re an idiot because you can’t drive it?  There should be a special driving test for men who want to drive sports cars to ensure they can handle it.

You don’t drive a sports car like you drive a sedan. I saw seven douchelords driving today and they all pissed me off.  I could actually hear these cars whisper to me, “ Help me, this guy sucks!”  A car like that has personality and when you put a loser behind the wheel, it takes offense.  It was a stressful day driving around town with idiot bad drivers.

Now that I think about it, men who are really short or have a small penis, should be forbidden from getting a sports car.  Seriously, help me to help you.  No good can come from you driving a car you cannot handle.  I’m sorry for your shortcomings, but stay off the road.  You are pissing people off. Get a sedan, find a nice girl and keep the faith.