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March 10, 2010 | 7:30 am

The Bitterness Blog:  Dating Sucks

Posted by Ilana Angel

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I have long thought that online dating sucked.  I assumed however, that it was just me who was struggling.  Why was I having so much trouble?  Especially when I date so much.  It is like a side job for me.  I invest time and effort, and I am focused and determined.  I want very much to be in a relationship, so I take it seriously, without taking any of it too seriously.

It’s not about being desperate. If I were, I’d be in a relationship right now.  Being with someone is not hard.  It’s about sharing my life, having a man in my son’s life, and having a witness to the second half of my life.  I am looking for a specific man, and because I am not desperate, I can choose carefully.

I get a lot of emails from women.  Ladies from all over the world, of every race, religion, age, and I am happy to say, political party.  They write to tell me to keep looking, and not give up, because for a lot of them, they live vicariously though me, since they don’t have the energy, desire, or courage to date.

I like hearing from women.  There is a sisterhood of women who are looking for love.  There is an even greater bond for those of us who are mothers.  There is something romantic, and almost tragic, about having had love, then losing it.  We are a very special group of women, and are so worthy of having love, because we give so much love.

Last night, in going through some of the emails my blog receives, a very clear pattern began to form.  It’s not us.  It’s men.  They suck.  There are so many truly fabulous women, all across the world, who want to be in wonderful relationships, and men are pigs.

I realize that I sound bitter and nasty, but here’s the thing, I don’t care.  I am going to use today’s blog to get out all my bitterness and nastiness, so then it will be released, and I can get on with my life.  Men are a dime a dozen, good men are needles in a haystack, and it pisses me off.

Nothing annoys me more than when married women, who have husbands who travel, or are at work all the time, tell me, “I’m like a single mother.”  Really? You have no freaking idea what it means to be a single mother.  They have their husband’s paycheck and support.  Don’t cry me a river sister.  News flash, your husbands are the ones who hit on me.

I am dating not only for myself, but also for my kid.  When he was really young, I never dated because I was busy being a mom, and forgot I was a woman.  Now, at 14, he has opinions about who I date, so there is extra pressure.  He worries about me in a way he didn’t when he was little.

I am convinced that if hell existed on earth, it would be the online dating world.  I was online last night, checking out who was checking me out.  I came across a nice looking man who caught my interest.  He lives close by, is 52, divorced with 2 kids, and works in business management.

I’m reading his profile, and we appear to have a lot in common.  I decide to send him a note to introduce myself.  As I’m writing a brilliant introductory email, I go back and look at his profile one more time, so I can mention something specific we have in common.  That’s when I saw it.

This 52 year old man, with 2 adult kids, wants to have more.  He actually wants to have 2 more kids.  Really?  He will be 70 when those kids graduate from high school, and that’s only if he has them right now.  If he waits, for even a minute, he’ll be in his 80’s when they go to college.

Why isn’t he just honest, and put in his profile that he is having a mid-life crisis, wants a super hot, young trophy wife, and in exchange, is willing to have more kids, if for no other reason, than to give his golf buddies, who are trapped in bad marriages, a reason worship him, because he is banging a young goddess?

I want someone to tell me exactly who I am supposed to date.  I can’t date someone younger because he will wake up one day, want to have kids, and my eggs are already poached.  I can’t date someone old because at 43, I am in my sexual prime, and it’s not a fit.

I can’t date someone my age, because they’re either looking to have kids, or smart enough to have realized they are a hot commodity, and have a million women to chose from.  They are the perfect age to date younger women without anyone thinking they are creepy.

Seriously people. It should not be this hard, or this unfair.  Where are all the good men?  If you are out there, then please get in touch with me.  No matter what type of woman you are looking for, or where you live, let me know, and I will hook you up with a fantastic woman.

There are a bevy of ladies available.  I have met women though my blog who are smart, funny, black, white, tall, short, Republican, Democrat, fat, and skinny.  You tell me what you are looking for, and I will introduce you to the girl of your dreams.  We are here, waiting, and getting tired.

While I search for the man of my dreams, there is no reason I can’t help my sisters find theirs.  It’s rough out here ladies, so let’s look out for each other.  Let’s not get bitter, but rather take strength from our kids, and each other. 

To those of us with sons, let’s raise them to be good men, not pigs.  We must break the cycle, and create a new type of man, one who respects women.  We can leave the women of the next generation in a better position than us, by giving them good men.

I love men.  One may not know it from this particular blog, but I do, I love men.  It’s an interesting thing to love something that you are completely frustrated by.  I take comfort in knowing that it’s not just me, but rather a struggle for women throughout history.  We love men, even though they drive us crazy.

Okay.  I’m done.  That was cathartic and felt good.  I have now released my frustration, and can move on.  I shall go online today and contact a man I think is interesting.  No point in complaining about something I have the power to control.  Today, love might be found with the click of a button.  I must keep the faith.

22 Comments — Leave your comment

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Getting bitter made you feel better.

Comment by Jumpy on 3/10/10 at 9:28 am

Hi Jumpy.

It really did!
I feel much better.
Thanks for reading.
Have a great day.

Ilana

Comment by Ilana Angel on 3/10/10 at 9:30 am

Online Dating take your time do not rush it

Comment by Online Dating on 3/10/10 at 9:31 am

Online,

Thank you.
I’m sticking with it!

Ilana

Comment by Ilana Angel on 3/10/10 at 9:40 am

I like cathartic moments. And therefore, I enjoyed reading about yours!

Thanks… smile

Comment by Noelle on 3/10/10 at 10:32 am

Thanks Noelle.

I’m thinking I need to purge it all out more often.
I feel oddly refreshed and light after today’s blog.

Ilana <3

Comment by Ilana Angel on 3/10/10 at 10:40 am

Ilana, I had a thought when reading this blog - you know that part of the country that people call “fly over” country? That’s what women of a certain age (myself included) are to men.

We are attractive, but not one of their buddies is going to nudge them with an elbow and say “good job, mate, on snagging that one”.

We are interesting and intelligent. But that’s not what they’re looking for. They’re looking for someone who will hang on their every word instead of giving them an intelligent debate on current issues.

We’re not looking to play games. They say they don’t like game players, but they go for the women who do every time.

It’s frustrating and sad. I have so much love inside of me and I can’t believe I may spend the rest of my life alone.

You know when we get interesting to men again? When they’re in their 70’s and we’re in our 60’s. Have you been to a retirement community lately? lol

Good luck with the quest. I hope you take a chance and meet the one you’ve been corresponding with lately. Go ahead - laughing in the rain together might be a great icebreaker.

Comment by Sheila on 3/10/10 at 5:00 pm

Brava~
Good for you - do keep the faith, and the hope, the charity? Not so much. Like you, I’m a cheerleader -totally optimistic that men and women are meant to be together - happy and healthy and mutually supportive. Long live love!
Page Larkin /SF Examiner

Comment by Page Larkin on 3/10/10 at 5:16 pm

Sheila,

We must not give up!  As long as we both don’t get bitter on the same day, we can lift each other up.  Where are you?  Send me your info to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).  Maybe I know someone for youI It’s a small world and it could happen.  Thank you for reading and sending comments.  It’s always nice to know someone is out there.

We will find “him”.  I am certain of it!

Ilana xoxo

Comment by Ilana Angel on 3/10/10 at 5:20 pm

Thanks Page.
Long Live Love!
Let’s just hope it comes to live on our houses!

Ilana grin

Comment by Ilana Angel on 3/10/10 at 5:36 pm

Well charity is the whole and sole of our life. So helping humanity is serving to God. Thats what many people believe and You never feel uncomfortable with this.

Comment by sainikudu kumar on 3/10/10 at 9:56 pm

Dating is hard.  Online dating seems easier but is I think even harder—because as you Ilana describe you have to read very carefully to understand what someone is really saying s/he wants.  I’m a bit older than you and am not *trying to* date right now. Not sure how well it would go, should I try. I remember my divorced mom saying all the good ones were taken.  Years later I learned she had a long-term affair with her married boss.  I think she really loved him and he, her, but marriage was marriage.  I was told he wanted to leave his wife and marry my mom but she refused to be someone who would break up a marriage.

Comment by wendy miller on 3/12/10 at 5:55 pm

Okay, lady you are NUTS.
First off, you do sound desperate (you CAN be desperate and picky, like searching for a yellow Ferrari).
And wanting kids is the bane of every man who dates a 30-something woman desperate for children, a house, travel and prince charming NOW (and she’s putting all that expectation on him).
And look at all the I’s and my’s in your writing.  What do you offer him?  All men want is a woman who wants us to be happy, surprisingly hard to find.  When we find this rare woman, we keep her, and we make it our mission to make her happy too!
P.S. I just got a couple of messages from internet dating women, I’m deleting them both because I have no interest in meeting another ordinary woman who thinks she’s ‘fabulous’ just because she’s a woman and I’m a pig because I’m a man.

Comment by Max on 3/13/10 at 5:40 pm

Wendy,

Interesting story.  Thanks for sharing.
I hear that “not trying” is the quickest way to finding love.
I hope all the good ones are not taken.
Keep the faith!

Ilana grin

Comment by Ilana Angel on 3/13/10 at 5:49 pm

Max,

I was going to go off and tell you that you’re an ass.
I changed my mind because it would be a waste of time.
You will never get it.
You are exactly what is frustrating about men.
You don’t listen.
Thanks for writing though.
You are very entertaining.

Ilana

Comment by Ilana Angel on 3/13/10 at 5:52 pm

Ilana, I totally and completely agree and understand your frustrations.  I’m an attractive and intelligent 36 year old, and I have been using online dating for years (as well as traditional methods, although those become much harder as I get older), and for some reason, I only seem to get emails from men over 50 or under 30 and I am interested in neither.  I’m not attracted to men who are that much older and they don’t have the energy to keep up with me at any rate, and while of course I am attracted to the younger guys, they are not ready to have children or be in a long term relationship at any rate, so it leaves me in the dark.  Most men my own age seem to be still dating women in their 20’s.  I live in LA, which only makes it harder, as most men here are only interested in appearance and not longevity in love.  I am still open to finding love, but men really do (for the most part) suck, and anybody who disagrees and calls us bitter for stating the obvious, is just living in a fantasy world.  I have been single for seven years now (since my last breakup), and every guy I’ve met since then I have gone on 1-4 dates with before realizing he was not right for me.  I’m going on another first date tomorrow night, so wish me luck, but I’m not holding my breath!

Comment by E on 3/16/10 at 12:54 pm

E,

I feel you my sister.  I wish I could tell you it gets easier but it does not.  At almost 44, I struggle with the same things you do. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you tomorrow night.  Maybe I have someone to fix you up with also since we’re both in Los Angeles.  Send me an email to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).  Let’s grab a drink and see if we can’t yenta something up for you!.

Ilana

Comment by Ilana Angel on 3/16/10 at 10:23 pm

Thanks for posting that article, it feeds the mind and eases the eagerness of the reader… Compassion to give such these information and things made a great contribution in the world of the website, for the one who sees it and need it like me… Hope to add more stuff and some fresh ideas…

Comment by Hydroponics Supplies on 3/22/10 at 9:26 pm

Is it just the patina of time, or do I recall this whole game being a lot easier twenty years ago?  One would think that a thing gets easier with additional practice and wisdom, but it doesn’t.  Perhaps I was just stupid enough to not have over-thought the whole process?  Back in the day, dating just seemed to happen; today it’s a fight against the world.

Comment by Argument Guy on 3/23/10 at 3:14 pm

Hi.  I stumbled on your post while searching Google for “dating sucks” because I’m a man who’s in the same position you are.  I’m 34, never been married, and am looking for a woman who is the exact opposite of who you claim we’re looking for.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not naive and know there are more men out there who just want to use women or really just aren’t worth a damn, but there A LOT of men who are genuinely good men who want a good, intelligent woman.  Some of us PREFER brains over “hot” bodies (hot being a very subjective term as I find many different women to be appealing).  I would much rather spend time with a woman who can carry on a good conversation, has common interests and goals, and has made a good life for herself professionally, emotionally, and psychologically.  If she already has kids, no big deal.  Sure, I’d like my own, but who says I can’t grow to love hers.  As for me, I’m a good guy, a good listener, in decent shape (not some Jocko Studhammer, but I take care of myself), have so many interests I can’t name them all, have a good job, am going back to school with the intention of becoming a psychotherapist once I have my certification, love animals, have a good deal of confidence and would just love to meet a woman who wants to spend time with me and love me for my what I am. I’m willing to do the same.  However, women don’t seem to be interested in me.  They usually just want to be friends. I honestly don’t think women respect the kind of man that I am and I’m proven correct over and over.  I’m NOT looking at young women either.  I prefer them my age and older because they at least have something to bring to the relationship.  I do understand where you’re coming from, but I think women should look at what a man really offers and let him grow on you.  It takes time, but many of us are ruled out too soon which causes us to give up, leaving the women with just the scumbags.  Just some friendly advice.

Comment by Chris on 4/29/10 at 6:48 pm

I was a little surprised by this article. Mainly because of what this woman said and many others. My surprise here is the fact that you care a lot about how you reflect among a man’s friend. It seems like a lot of today’s world involve, “What can you give me?” rather than asking “What can I give to you?” I mean yeah I can understand finding someone to fit your life, but if you’re going to use them like a dog, I rather be glad that I’m single now since I certainly don’t want a woman who is going to judge me by what my friends think of her, or the fact that I must offer her the world or she’ll leave. I rather have someone that I can love and in return be loved as well, regardless of the circumstances or world around us. If I can’t find that, I rather be single.

Comment by Daniel on 7/26/10 at 11:14 am

Well let me see, men are awful because you can’t get a date. Men are worthless, but yet you are upset because men are not interested. Listen I have met so many bitter women in LA that are my age I am forced to date younger women. Younger women have their flaws, but they still laugh, they still are affectionate and they respect the fact that things might not be forever. So if your wondering whether or not I want to date you, bitter, out of shape and angry or a young smart attractive girl that laughs and smiles and is great in bed guess which one I am choosing. This is your fault, not ours. And by the way the next time an older woman says that all younger women want is money, well dream on, they want to be with someone who is intelligent, can hold a conversation, can pay for dinner and treat them with respect.

Comment by Johnboy on 8/19/10 at 9:42 pm

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