June 1, 2010 | 1:05 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
It’s week two and we start out with Ali going on a one-on-one date with Frank. He’s quirky, cute, charming, and works in a retail store, while he writes screenplays. What makes him so charming, is that he thinks Ali, the celebrity whore, will end up with a guy who works retail. You’re cute Frank.
Ali is getting ready for her date, and says it’s awesome to be dating 17 men at once. Really? Let’s see, she likes dating 17 men at once. What does that make her? What’s the word I’m looking for? She picks up Frank for their date, in jeans, a t-shirt, and what appears to be unwashed hair.
Frank and Ali are walking down Hollywood Boulevard, and people are asking Ali for her autograph, or to take pictures, and it’s nauseating. She was gunning for the Bachelorette position during her entire Bachelor season, and to see her having this opportunity, is wrong.
Seriously, she was never looking for love with Jake, and she is not looking now. What she is looking for, is a career in the entertainment industry. She wants to be on a soap, or Dancing With The Stars. I’ve met her, and she is beautiful, but if we are judging her from the inside out, this chick is ugly.
Craig R. is still whining about Justin, and it’s dumb. I think it’s so funny that they all think they know who is not a match for her. They don’t know her, or each other, so to think they get it, is hilarious. The women from Jake’s Bachelor season were catty, but these guys are worse.
Ali and Frank kiss. She thinks he’s awesome, and he thinks he could fall in love with her. He speaks about her like he’s a chick. It’s weird. I also feel the need to mention that Ali’s voice is like nails on a chalkboard. She is nasally, and whiny. Additionally, she calls all the men boys, which is ridiculous.
Back at the house, Craig M. is picking fights. He is creepy, and if he makes it past this week, he will undoubtedly become, “the most dramatic rose ceremony ever”. Ali gives Frank a rose, and he channels his inner woman, and shares that the journey will be hard. Oh. My. God. Fabulous!
Ali is now in Malibu with 12 guys, and they are going to make a calendar for charity. Her hair looks like so bad, that even Vienna’s extensions looked better, and they were horrible. Ali says dating so many “boys” is like doing a juggling act. I cannot imagine a single moment, when I will like this girl.
Jonathan is obsessing about Craig M., and no good can come of that. The guys are all changing for the photo shoot, and Jonathan is stressed out because they gave him the skimpiest bathing suit. He wants to die because he is not well endowed. We know this, because HE TOLD US!
Ali is posing with all the guys. Her fake laugh, and model wannabe poses, are gross. These guys are falling, and falling hard. Kirk poses, and Ali touches his leg, and he says it’s the intimacy that he has been waiting for. Since when is taking a picture, in front of a million people, intimate?
Ty sings her a song on the beach. I want to throw something at the television, but I can’t, for fear that I will not be able to watch the train wreck. Everyone is complaining about everyone, and it’s fascinating. The men are like a bunch of cackling hens, which is entertaining, but not cute.
We’ve left the beach, are having drinks, and Ali has still not brushed her hair. Ty takes her aside to tell her he is divorced. He is sweet, and southern, and puts me to sleep. Ali is looking at him with no expression. She did not move, and if she hadn’t blinked I would have thought she died.
You know she wants to cut him, but now she can’t, because if she does, everyone will think she’s coldhearted for dumping “divorce guy”. She plays all grown up, and says it’s cool, and she’s glad he told her, but come on. He sealed his fate, and he will be gone soon.
Jonathan will not stop talking about Craig, and how dangerous he is. The problem, is that he is telling us this, while wearing a jacket from the Michael Jackson collection, and I can’t take anything he says seriously, because he looks ridiculous. Seriously, dude, lose that jacket ASAP.
Jonathan goes to tell Ali that Craig is Satan. There is no chemistry for poor Jonathan. None. He shares with her that he knows who is good for her, and who is not. She is staring again. She just stares, and does not move, or smile, or anything. She just stares. This chick is not appealing.
Justin takes Ali for some alone time. She says she has a good feeling about him, and snuggles up in an odd position, considering anyone could walk in. She tells him she really likes him, and he responds by saying “that’s nice”. She has a moment of thought, then says I hope you like me too.
Sidebar: When someone tells you they like you, say you like them back. Saying, “that’s nice”, is like saying, “thank you”, after someone tells you they love you. Not cool. And one more thing, watching Ali take a moment of thought, is hilarious, because we see her struggling to even find a thought.
Ali is flying with Jesse to Vegas. The girl who skipped family vacations because she wouldn’t fly, and lied to Jake about it so he would think she was endearing, is flying everywhere. She says she’s still scared, and tries to save face by mentioning the fear from last season. Fail.
Jesse is gorgeous, but way too young for her. He is overwhelmed by the experience. He’s s small town boy, and she does not deserve him. He is just darling, she will get her claws into him, and it will be a shame. He better be praying she dumps his ass, because she’s slutty and stupid, and he’s lovely.
Back at the house, things are not going well. Craig M. is picking on Jonathan, and it’s reminiscent of Ali picking on Vienna. He’s a bully, and Jonathan is an easy target. Back in Vegas, Ali is drooling all over young Jesse, and he gets a rose. They dance and kiss, and all I can think about is saving him from her.
The rose ceremony is looming, and the men are panicing. Poor Frank is missing her since their date, and feels like they are a couple. Really? Grow up Sparky, she’s going to hook up with everyone. Justin is overconfident, not cute, and Ali looks like she is wearing a wig, super not cute.
Ali is going to visit with the guys she did not date this week. Chris L. is first. I love this guy. He’s still a top pick for me, shame it has to be Ali. Wait! He should be the next Bachelor. He is great, and should end up with someone down to earth and wonderful, which Ali is not.
Roberto is next. He is gorgeous, and feels forbidden. I’m not sure why. He is dark and mysterious. He says he travelled, and she responds that she is fascinated by that. She is looking to make out with everyone she is attracted to. He’s too good for her. I see a pattern forming.
Kasey is up to bat. He tells her she looks “imaginary”, and she tells him thanks, I feel good. Ugh. She is totally not into him. Frank comes over, and steals her away because he misses her. Ali has got to stop putting her fingers in her mouth. She thinks it makes her look sexy. Epic fail.
Ali goes to get Jonathan for a chat. He is whining, and being weird about Craig M., and it’s sad. We cut to Craig M. and Ali. This guy is a freak. Maybe he was drunk, or maybe he’s just an idiot, but either way, his time is limited. He cannot formulate a proper sentence, which is actually perfect for Ali.
Craig calls the guys together for a meeting. Not sure where Ali is for the meeting, but Craig wants to know who told Ali he was dangerous. He calls out Jonathan. They squabble likes children, and it ends with Jonathan saying that if Craig M. gets a rose, he will know there is no God.
Really? The Bachelorette giving out roses will let you know if God exists? I think it’s time for Jonathan to go home. He will stay of course, because Ali needs a mole in the house. Sadly, Jonathan will not get it, and mistake her keeping him, for a love connection. He’s a sad little man.
Tyler V. was cut, and he can’t believe it. He was really into her, and he’s shocked and disappointed. Craig M. is cut, and he thinks she missed a great opportunity. He trashes Jonathan on his way out, and shows what an idiot he is. Shame that the Canadians are not keepers.
Both Tyler V. and Craig M. say goodbye to Ali, and said a few words to the camera, but there was nothing from Chris H. He was also Canadian, had Simon Cowell hair, and was a bit forgettable. Maybe he was so forgettable, they forgot to tape his exit interview?
Ali is horrible, but this show is fabulous. For this season, when I say someone is my top pick, it means I hope Ali does not pick him, so he can be the next Bachelor. There are some really lovely men this season, and they deserve to be with a great lady, not a fame hungry skank. Just saying.
Am I being too harsh on poor Ali? Nope. She is a mean girl, and I don’t think she deserves to have this chance at love. At the end of the day, I believe in love, and I believe in this process. If your heart is open, it can work. Since Ali does not appear to have a heart, what’s the point of her being there?
I think we are all going to fall in love with Chris L. this season, as well as with Roberto, and Jesse. Hopefully Ali will keep her grubby paws off, so they have a real chance at love. I’m hooked on this show, even though Ali is there. Will next season be someone I actually care about? I’m keeping the faith.
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