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The Bachelor Massacre

by Ilana Angel

January 26, 2010 | 1:35 pm

Last night was good.  Some of the girls are getting meaner and some are getting dumber.  The best part was that Jake finally went from just that guy, to a man.  He gathered up his cojones and delivered the massacre we have all been waiting for.

The show starts with the girls giving up the bachelorette pad for good.  They are going to cruise up the California coast in two RV’s.  They split up into groups and everyone is praying they don’t have to be with Vienna.  Poor Vienna.  She is my top choice at this point and truly the only real chick there.  Who knew?

The girls all hate her, but for some reason think Ali is the angel.  I got sucked into her too but the spell is broken.  She is mean, and if Jake picks her, he is in for a life of misery.  She went from being my top pick to being the one I want to have a humiliating departure.  Ugly, ugly girl.

They get to wine country and pull into a beautiful vineyard.  The girls will be sleeping in the RV’s and Jake has a tent set up.  Like I’m buying that he will sleep in a tent.  Whatever.  They are all together and joking and the claws are out for my BFF Vienna.

Tenley is appalled by Vienna being so affectionate with Jake.  Seriously, I need this little girl to go home.  I am over her “poor me, my heart was broken and I was a virgin” act.  She is an airhead, and I’m done with her.

First date of the trip is a one-on-one for Gia.  This girl is incredibly pretty.  That said, it would be impossible for her to be any dumber.  Her laugh, her voice, and her accent, all make me want to pull my ears off.  She gets on his Harley in stilettos and when she gets off the bike, she is worried about how her hair looks.  Please make it stop and send her home.

Jake asks what she was like when she was in school and for a moment I thought she would say she never went to school.  I don’t think it’s worth it to be that pretty if it comes with being that stupid.  They make out, he gives her a rose and she is in.  Blah. Blah. Blah.

When he kissed her she says it’s the best kiss of her entire life.  It was emotional for her and her heart stopped because she was caught in the moment.  She said it made her stop thinking for a minute.  Really?  I could not stop laughing at that comment.  This chick thinks?  Not happening.

It’s group date time and the gang is off for some dune buggy riding in Pismo Beach.  Vienna is part of the group and the girls start bagging on her right away.  They do some sand surfing and Jake is all about Tenley.  They have wine and dinner, then he has time alone with Corrie.

Who is Corrie?  She has been invisible for weeks. I just don’t get why she is still there.  I don’t remember her ever being there.  She brings nothing to the show.  She is safe and boring.  Maybe he likes her because she is white toast like he is.

The group goes to the Madonna Inn and they are all bouncing around like children.  I don’t get the giddiness part of their experience.  Is it because they are all so young?  They are all starting to bug me and the only one I like now is Vienna.  She is young but at least entertaining, not annoying.

Ashleigh has one-on-one time and it’s painful to watch.  He is clearly not into her and she just does not get it.  She says she is 25 but I think she is 35.  She is all over him and he is just blank and the awkwardness is fantastic.

It’s Ali’s turn.  She is beautiful, but a classic mean girl. She tells Jake she supports whatever decision he makes.  Really?  Liar.  If he picks Vienna she will not support it.  She will lose her mind.  Can’t wait.

Tenley says Jake’s lips are perfect and she is falling for him.  I feel sorry for her because of all the girls, she will have the most broken heart if it’s not her.  I don’t care enough however, for her to be the one.  She needs to go home and meet a nice young man at church.

Vienna is talking with Jake and he tells her he’s concerned by how much the other girls hate her.  He gives her the heads up to watch herself, and not start any trouble.  He doesn’t even kiss her.  I feel bad because I think he really likes her,  but is paying too much attention to what the other girls are saying.  Or maybe he is totally not into her, and the producers are making him keep her because she is the main reason we watch.

Ella and Kathryn are now on a two-on-one date.  Ella is totally taking over and Kathryn is left without an opportunity to speak.  She asks Jake what he is looking for, and he says something about wanting to see where a woman anchors her heart in faith and her family values.  He sounded a little Bush-esque and his face morphed into a piece of white toast.

He was never going to pick Ella.  He is never going to raise another man’s child.  It’s just not who he is.  I don’t think it makes him a bad person.  It’s not for everyone, and when he let’s her go, it is no surprise.  She is a pretty girl and she’ll be fine.  Bye, Bye Momma.

Jake is with Kathryn and it’s weird.  He tells her he is lost in her eyes.  She is clearly surprised.  Maybe it’s because it’s the first time he’s said more than two words to her since the show started.  She tells him he is ignoring her and her tone is enough to know that he is now going to dump her.  She is invisible and it was only a matter than time.  Bye, bye whatever your name is.

Jake gathers up his courage and sends both Ella and Kathryn home.  They feel blindsided.  I am proud of him for cutting them both loose and I respect him.  There is nothing more attractive than a man being a man.  He handled this well and I dug it.

We are down to seven and it’s the rose ceremony with one more girl about to go.  The remaining seven realize both girls have been eliminated and Tenley is crying and sad.  Really?  Come on Tenley.  This means you are one step closer.  Grow up and stop crying.  I want to hit her.

If Ali wears one more yellow dress I will have to turn the color off on my television.  Is she wearing the same dress every week, or does she only own yellow dresses?  I wonder if he picked her, and now that he is watching the show on television, sees who she really is and wants to shoot himself. 

Seven girls and six roses.  Gia and Tenley are in. Ali and Corrie are in.  With three women and two roses Jake decides he only needs one rose and he is going to send home two more girls.  It’s a blood bath and Chris Harrison is fantastic as he tells the girls what is happening.

We’re down to Ashleigh, Vienna and Jessie.  Our girl Vienna is the winner.  Jessie is sad but there is no way she could have thought for one minute she was staying.  Ashleigh, the old lady, is shocked that he chose Vienna over her.  Maybe he didn’t pick you because you are boring.  Tenley and Ali are fuming and bashing Vienna in whispers.

Ashleigh is bawling and cussing and leaves a snotty mess.  Classic.  Jake is taking the remaining five ladies to San Francisco and will dump one before he heads out to the hometown dates.  I am more interested in who he does not pick than who the final two are.  If Vienna leaves, it will be hard to stay in it. 

This is the first season where I did not have the perfect girl selected in my mind by this point.  I’m just not that invested in the women. Maybe it’s because they are all mediocre or perhaps it’s because I’m not that interested in Jake.

Of course I will watch it till the bitter end, but I’m hoping something juicy happens.  Maybe Ali and Vienna can get into a fight, Ali gets a black eye, then wears a yellow dress, looks like a bumblebee, Vienna thinks she’s a bug, and kills her. Whatever it is, I’m in.  As for the final five, the end is near ladies, so keep the faith. 

 

 

 

 

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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