March 4, 2011 | 9:09 am

Tarot Cards, Online Dating, Gay Love in Israel & the Smell of a Whore

Posted by Ilana Angel

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I had my tarot cards read this week.  It was an interesting reading.  I knew exactly what the cards were telling me which is awesome.  My mom came up a lot and all is well with her and my son, work looks good, and there was nothing bad looming around the corner.

Another thing not coming anytime soon is love.  There was no love in my cards.  None.  Not a date, not a possibility, not a chance.  Nothing.  It was sad really.  No matter how I divided the cards, there was nothing.  It would appear that I shall be single for a while longer.

Since the cards said I will be alone, I cancelled all my online dating accounts.  It was time.  It’s not like they gently whispered it was not my time, they got up in my face, yelled in a harsh tone, and when I turned my back, started laughing.  They mocked me.

I deleted my profile off of match.com, plentyoffish, and ok cupid.  I was only on AshleyMadison for two days as research, and I would rather be alone in my apartment with 18 cats than go on JDate, so I’m all clear.  The world of online dating will go on with one less sucker.

A lot of my searching online is experimental.  I am single, write about being single, and it is a popular way for single people to meet, so it makes sense that I would do it.  It’s a lot of work however and I’m tired, and frankly don’t really care at the moment, so the cards did me a favor.

They could have been nicer about delivering the message, but a favor is a favor so thank you tarot cards.  I’m taking a break from online dating and will focus my attention on loitering around the produce section of Whole Foods, like people used to do the golden days of dating.

I’ve always had success at Whole Foods.  By success of course I mean I have met some really wonderful, charming, and handsome gay men at Whole Foods.  If I were a gay man, looking for love, I would be searching for love everyday at Whole Foods.  Whole Foods needs a singles night.

Speaking of gay love, there is a new ad campaign coming out of Israel called “Size Doesn’t Matter” and it’s tag line is “Israel, Small Country Big Pride”.  They have a funny video about gay travel to Israel.  You can see it here: Big Pride and visit their website at Size Doesn’t Matter.

It’s a great message and they have done some great things with it.  I’m not sure who came up with the idea, or how well it’s doing, but whoever it is should look into opening a Whole Foods in Tel Aviv.  Seriously, ca-ching!  I love Israel and this campaign to boost tourism is perfect.

While it was a smooth transition from my abrupt quitting of all online dating to being gay in Israel, I need to transition again and since I can’t find a seamless way to do it, let’s just jump topics one last time because although it may not fit in this piece, I really want to talk about it.

Yesterday I stepped into an elevator and was attacked by a smell so horrific I almost passed out.  It made my eyes water and I could taste the smell.  It was beyond disgusting and if I had to guess what it was, I would say it was a bottle of Giorgio of Beverly Hills perfume.

Whoever wore it did not buy a bottle of the classic scent from the 80’s, she bought a bottle of Georg-ee-oh of Baverlay Hulls from the dollar store and to be clear, smelled like a cheap whore.  I’m not sure when she rode the elevator, but she left a very lasting impression.

I was tempted to follow the smell, find her, do her a favor and tell her that she smells like a whore, but I was week from the smell and I worried if I found her I might actually kill her.  Heed my advice ladies, do not buy perfume at the dollar store.  Even if you are a whore.

I am certain that this woman bathed in it, put it all over her hair, sprayed her coat separately from her body, and carried it around for a refreshing touch up throughout the day.  Why?  Why are you doing this whore?  Please stop.  You are burning a whole in the ozone with your smell.

My tarot cards did not mention that I would kill anyone so the whore is safe.  If I ever smell her again however, there are no promises.  I wish you all a wonderful weekend, and a peaceful and restful Shabbat.  Be safe, be kind to a stranger, tell someone you love them, and keep the faith.