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Sun, Heat, Earthquake, Jew-Fro and the Apocalypse

by Ilana Angel

September 29, 2010 | 12:35 am

I originally posted this blog on September 29, 2009.  Take a look and I’ll meet you at the bottom.

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I’m done and have seriously had enough.  I never thought the day would come when I would admit this publically but here we go my friends: I AM OVER THE VALLEY.

I’m sure part of it is because I am Canadian and there is something unusual about it being over 100 degrees in September.  There is nothing attractive about sweat.  Well sometimes there is, but not when you’re walking from the house to the car.  How do you look cute when you’re melting?

The Fall is a time for tight jeans, warm sweaters and fabulous boots. Not flip flops, sleeveless shirts and shorts.  I bet it’s cooler in Africa than it is in Los Angeles.  I want to move to Kenya just to get some cooler temperatures.

For those of you not from Los Angeles, there is a rivalry between the people of “the valley” and those from “over the hill”.  They are west side snobs.  I have staunchly defended my beloved valley from the bashers who live on the west side.  They can talk about their ocean and cool breezes all they want and it does not faze me.

I live in a wonderful neighborhood, close to everything I need, great schools for my son and the beach is totally accessible at just 20 minutes away. Of course by 20 minutes I mean with no traffic which means I would need to drive to the beach at 2 am but still, it can be done in 20 minutes and that is my point.

I simply cannot stand another day of 100 degree temperatures.  It’s wrong.  I want to put on a sweater, get a Starbucks and look super cute in my jeans and boots.  Because of this heat I am officially on a dating hiatus.  No one should have to spend time getting cute only to melt while walking to the car.  It’s just not right.

I have three meetings today, all in the valley.  The valley is literally hell on earth these days and whenever I walk past the control of my central air unit I swear I can hear it mumbling that it hates me.  I am certain it is going to boycott at any moment.

As soon as it cools down I will deny that I wrote this blog.  I will say my bashing of the glorious valley was brought on by heat stroke and I could not control myself.

Enough with the heat already!  All I can do is stay strong, whisper sweet nothings to my air conditioner, pray nothing happens to it, and keep the faith.

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That was written exactly one year ago.  Those of us in Los Angeles thought it was unusual to be so hot this late in the year.  The thing is, yesterday it was 113 degrees here, and today will again go over 100.  What was random heat last year, is now a sign of the apocalypse as we an earthquake warning.

Scientists are predicting there will be a massive earthquake in Southern California between now and October 1st, which is Friday.  Really?  it’s not bad enough I have to worry about the rapidly growing Jew-fro that my curls are experiencing, I now need to think about an earthquake?

It’s hot and humid.  My hair is a mess, my nerves are shot, and my air conditioning has gone from telling me that it hates me, to screaming profanities and that it wants to kill me.  It’s too hot to try look pretty, and by looking pretty of course I mean I gave up trying at about 95 degrees. 

I am praying it cools down a little bit, that there will not be an earthquake in Southern California, or anywhere for that matter, that when all this is over my hair starts to look like it’s old self, and that through all the heat and hype, I am able to keep the faith.

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*****  FYI:  The earthquake prediction is an internet hoax.  Someone clearly has too much time on their hands.  Whoever you are that started this rumor, grow up.  We’re all dealing with bad hair and seriously don’t have time for your crap or an earthquake.  Thanks. 

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