Jewish Journal

Sex & Fantasies Over Lunch

by Ilana Angel

April 19, 2012 | 9:54 pm

I had lunch today with two of my favorite people on the planet.  One is a woman who is 17 years younger than me, and the other is a man who is 17 years older than me.  We talked about work, families, life, Judaism, and sex. These two people are funny, smart, intellectual, sophisticated, warm, kind and wonderful.  I don’t recall exactly how we got to sex, but we did.

Our chat about sex was interesting.  We are all at different stages of our sexual lives and so it was fascinating.  One is young and hoping to have a child one day, which impacts her view of sex.  I have had a child with no plans for more, so sex is less pressured.  One has grown kids, a marriage that has lasted decades, and so sex is comfortable and easy.

I left lunch wondering who am I sexually?  At 46 I am in a comfortable place in terms of my body and ability to vocalize what I like, don’t like, want to try, and am never going to try.  I am also at a vulnerable place, in that love has been elusive and sex needs to be with someone who matters.  I am selective about who I sleep with, therefore sex is also elusive.

We spoke at lunch about sexual fantasies and how they are driven by the mind over the heart, and I am not sure I agree.  My fantasies are driven by my heart and revolve around emotions not sex.  When I am having sex with someone, there is a moment when you are together, when you look in each other’s eyes, and there is complete trust.  That is my fantasy.

Love is my fantasy.  When a man calls me in the middle of the day to say hello, puts his hand on the small of my back to guide me through a door, tells me I’m beautiful, thinks I’m a good mother, plays with my hair, introduces me to people with a sense of pride, and tells me his sexual fantasies in terms of our relationship, that is a fantasy.  The power lies in love.

My life requires that I be strong.  I am a single mother who is raising a boy to be man when my view of men is somewhat jaded.  I work hard and I work a lot.  I spend most of my day being aggressive in terms of how I write, how I do business, how I represent myself, and how I fight my demons.  That aggression makes me crave submission in terms of my sex life.

I want a man to tell me what to do, teach me things, and allow me to take care of him.  It’s not about letting him dominate me, but rather about him taking care of me.  I am too old to be a teacher and don’t want to be the boss.  I want a man to be the man.  Not in a way that scares, embarrasses, or humiliates me, but rather allows me to relax and enjoy myself.

I used to think being bold in my daily life would translate into my sex life. Perhaps it did when I was younger, but as I get older, not so much.  Sex may be the one area of my life where I am nervous.  I am a lady who knows how to be a whore with my partner, not a whore who acts like a lady in order to get a partner.  I want to be submissive not subservient.

Do you ever stop to think about who you are sexually? Do you think about your fantasies?  Do you even have fantasies?  I think many people don’t allow themselves to have fantasies because they think they must somehow be about the forbidden.  Fantasies should not be about doing something forbidden but rather about doing something that will feel good.

Sex is better when there is love and the meaning of love is up for interpretation.  I don’t think you need love in order to have great sex, and I don’t think great sex is a fantasy.  There is a lot of pressure on people of all generations to define themselves sexually, and that takes some of the joy out of the whole thing.  We need to stop analyzing sex so much.

I think about sex a lot, which is healthy, but what I need to stop thinking about is what does it mean?  I want to give myself permission to have a great sex life without stressing out about what it means not only to me, but also to my partner.  When did sex become so complicated?  When did fantasies become all about sex?  When will sex stop being intimidating?

I like talking about sex.  Not the act, but the thoughts that are attached to the activity.  Sex is a great thing.  One of the best things about being a grown up really, and I hope one day I will be able to stop thinking about what it means.  My fantasies are not sexual, but they are things that will lead to my having a sexual relationship, so I look forward to fantasizing.

I love being a lady who lunches, and today was fabulous.  I like to be with smart people who challenge me, make me think, and teach me things.  It’s actually something I fantasize about.  I dream about finding enlightenment, being inspired, and meeting my true Jewish self.  Lunch today was perfect, and though I didn’t have sex, I left satisfied, and keeping the faith.


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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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