June 1, 2011 | 11:29 pm

Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY), Big Lies Come in Small Packages

Posted by Ilana Angel

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Rep. Anthony Weiner

Dear Mr.Weiner,

Do you honestly think you can get out of this mess? You told the press that you cannot say “with certitude” that the graphic picture of your package was actually you.  Seriously?  Do you own underwear like that Tony?  Are you unfamiliar with the shape of your penis?  It’s not a line up honey, it’s just you.

Are we to believe your Twitter account was hacked and a picture of you in your underwear, which could or could not be you, was sent to a random 21 year old college student in Seattle, and the security firm you hired to investigate is not being paid by you to give a very specific answer to what happened?

Did you think your attempt at humor by telling reporters you were a little “stiff” was going to translate as charming?  When you said, “I was the victim of a prank.”, did you really think we believed you?  Are you are the one politician who is not going to get caught being a pig?  Good luck with that.

When you told the media, “This is not a national security matter. We are not making a federal case out of this and I don’t think anyone else should.”, know that I laughed out loud because in looking at the picture, I can assure you that it truly is a small matter that needs to be addressed.

Did you really have the balls to say the young woman who got the picture just decided to randomly follow you on Twitter?  Obviously you have taken some pictures in your underwear if you are unsure it is you.  Don’t you think it’s time you just fessed up and called it a day?  We’re laughing at you sweetie.  Not cute.

You went on to say, “We don’t know where the photograph came from. We don’t know for sure what’s on it, we don’t know for sure if its been manipulated, if it was taken out of one place and dropped in something else. And I’m going to let this firm try to get to the bottom of all that.”  Do you not have anyone in your life to let you know that you are making a fool of yourself?

The good news is that you are young and people will forget about this stumble quickly.  You may lose your political career, but don’t worry because you will be able to find another job and there are a lot of other options.  Underwear model and porn star offers are going to start flooding in any day now.  You could have your own reality television show by summer.

Your story is hilarious, and by hilarious of course I mean pathetic. You got caught, and denying is making it both awkward and embarrassing.  End the farce so we can focus on real political stories like why Sarah Palin eats pizza with fork.  Say you’re sorry, beg your family for forgiveness, go on the Daily Show to take it like a man, and start keeping the faith.

*Important to note, many people respect you and your political career as you have been a fierce advocate for the disenfranchised.  If you are telling the truth, and it was a hacking of your account, I will be the first to apologize and post a retraction.  I have the apology ready, but don’t think I’ll ever use it.