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Real Housewives of New Jersey:  You Are Not Carmelo Soprano Caroline!

by Ilana Angel

August 24, 2010 | 12:59 am

Carmelo Soprano

I am happy this show is over.  Not because I don’t enjoy watching it, but because I am hoping they clean house, and come back next year with some fresh faces.  They need to get a fabulous Jew in there, and start over.  It’s time for the Sopranos to make a hit and hide the body.

The finale focuses on Caroline deciding to try to make peace with Danielle, get her to drop charges against Ashley, so everyone can stop, leave each other alone, and life can go on.  Caroline is trying to be a lady, and Danielle is once again sucking her children into her insanity.

The best line of the night, of the entire season actually, is when Danielle tells the camera, “Caroline, you are not Carmelo.  You are not a Soprano.  Stop sending out your brilliant ones.”  Seriously, this “women” is a loon and with every word she says, I cringe for her daughters.

Danielle still cannot figure out the correct use of the words “woman” and “women”.  This chick is a complete and total whack job.  Seriously, if they bring her back, or even worse, give her a show of her own, then her kids should sue Bravo for ruining their lives.

Sidebar:  I think a half a glass of coke, mixed with a half a glass of red wine, sounds like it would taste like crap.  I’m curious, and will totally try it, but I’m guessing it’s not going to be a winner.  Is that an Italian thing?  And, most importantly, does it work with Manischewitz?  Maybe it will become my new date drink!

I want to know if the highest volume of eye shadow sales in the United Stares are in New Jersey.  Seriously.  These chicks, regardless of age, pile on the eye make-up.  It’s fascinating.  By fascinating, of course I mean, not that attractive, particularly when it’s baby blue.

Danielle walks in with a stick stuck up her ass.  Caroline on the other hand, smiles, thanks her for coming, and tries to explain herself in a controlled manner.  Danielle is stoic, waiting to pounce, and plays with her fake hair.  We wait for something big, but the fizzle begins.

Caroline is calling Danielle out on her crap, and Danielle is speaking in tongue, and using words she learned when reading the comics at her dentist.  She comes across as someone who is unstable.  By unstable, of course I mean she needs to be under medical care.

Caroline holds it together until the very last second, and then she calls Danielle garbage again.  You were so close Caroline!  She did a brilliant job and I love her.  In the end, after yet another season, I am walking away with nothing but respect for Caroline. 

Danielle gets home and makes her kids say thank you to her monkey men.  Little Jillian gets up to hug them and there is this weird inappropriate vibe that is gross.  Those kids are going to be on poles if someone does not step in to save them.  Their dad needs to seriously man up.

In the end we don’t really get any big moment out of the finale.  It just goes out quietly.  Rumor has it the reunion shows will be explosive, so that will be entertaining, and maybe give us some answers about how the lives of these women unraveled so quickly.

Teresa is disgusting and her spending so much money, even after she filed bankruptcy is shocking.  Her husband is a drunk, brought on no doubt by the stress of being married to a crazy person.  Jacqueline is out of control, and eating her way into a black hole.

Dina got out and managed to stay out.  I’m thinking if they fire Danielle, maybe she will be back for another season.  The Kims are no place to be seen which is fabulous, because I’m not a fan, and hope they are not around when the show comes back. 

In the end, the ladies of New Jersey are yet another example of how Bravo has crossed over to the dark side.  If you think back to the first season of Orange County, it was fun, campy, and a look into a different life.  It’s now a look into a life that none of us would want for ourselves.

And so another season ends in New Jersey, with the confirmation that the Sopranos are alive and well in the Garden State.  Will Bravo ever figure out that they are disgusting their viewers, more than they are entertaining us?  I’m keeping the faith.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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