May 11, 2010 | 9:31 am

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Danielle is Nuts & Should Date Jesse James

Posted by Ilana Angel

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Danielle, Ms. Crazytown 2010

Monday night I got to spend my weekly hour in New Jersey, and it was fabulous.  This show does not disappoint.  Watching these women is both entertaining, and mortifying.  We wait for it each week, watch it closely, and then spend 6 days saying we won’t watch it anymore, only to be thrilled when Monday night comes back around.

I noticed this week that in the opening credits, Dina’s daughter Lexi no longer appears.  Clearly she is keeping her off this year, but I wonder why.  She is a cute girl, but she is only 14, and I say bravo to Dina for pulling her off, if it was in fact her.  This show is no place for children, and by no place, of course I mean Danielle should not have children.

Danielle is selling her house.  We get a little mini tour and it’s quite revealing, in several ways.  First, she tells us that when she sells her house, her ex-husband gets half the sale.  She wonders why she should keep it clean and take care of it, when it’s not completely hers.  Really?  How about because it’s where your kids live.

In walking around with the real estate agent, we see that the house is falling apart.  It’s filthy and run down.  She keeps talking about how great the house is, and it’s the nicest house in town, but once again she is a lying, and we get to see it first hand.  The best part is that she makes the agent take her shoes off, before walking through the pigsty.

Danielle is ridiculous, and fakes her accent.  When she is just talking in a normal conversation, she has no real accent.  When she being all badass, and channeling her inner Soprano, she gets an accent so thick, it’s as if she is someone else, which makes sense, since she is schizophrenic.  Two people, one body, two accents.  This chick is a piece of work.

Jacqueline and Caroline are out for lunch with Teresa.  Teresa and Caroline are hell bent on dragging Danielle through the dirt, every opportunity they get, and create opportunities where they can.  Jacqueline is the sweetest person in New Jersey.  She wants so much to support Danielle, but it’s an impossible battle, and they will bring her to the dark side eventually.

Jacqueline’s oldest child, Ashley, comes by to visit, and by visit, of course I mean do her laundry.  She is 18, does not go to school, does not have a job, lives with a friend, has a boyfriend who is 23 years old, and goes out drinking even though she is underage.  This chick a mess, rude to her mother, clueless about life, and on her way a huge crash and burn.

Danielle’s daughter Christine is going to be a model.  She is a really beautiful girl, super tall, and thin, with a fabulous face.  She is cute when she talks about it.  The funny part is that Danielle is talking about how she is going to be with her every step of the way, and will oversee everything, but for Christine, it’s clearly a way to escape her mother.  Sad to watch.

Teresa’s daughter Gia also has aspirations of modeling.  She goes to an audition for a fashion show, and is adorable.  Cut to Danielle bagging on her, saying she cannot be a model because she just does not have it.  She says it will never happen because Gia is only 4 feet tall.  She is only 8 years old Danielle.  That this chick is so willing to knock a kid down, is disgusting.

Christine is at her first photo shoot, and she is fabulous.  The pictures are being taken by Gilles Bensimon.  He is the ex-husband of Kelly from the Real Housewives of New York City.  He is a hundred years old.  Wonder why that marriage didn’t work out.  Christine is enjoying her day, but mentions that she wishes her mother was not there.  Danielle is going to ruin this for her.

Back at Caroline’s, Albie is pissed off that his sister Lauren, is dating his best friend Vito.  If you love your sister, and want her to be with someone wonderful and deserving, wouldn’t you want her to be with your best friend? I don’t get why it’s a big deal.  He loves his friend, needs to trust him, and get over himself.

Danielle is with Christine and they find out that the photo shoot landed her on the cover.  All Danielle wants to talk about is how much she knows about fashion, and the fashion industry.  Christine is a sweet girl.  She seems melancholy, and there is a hollow look to her, which is sad.  As a viewer, I want this to happen for her so she can escape from her mother, then save her little sister.

The agency is talking about what a great mom Danielle is, and that it will be great to have her there for the entire process.  Christine looks like she wants to either burst into tears, or slit her own throat.  It’s heartbreaking.  This girl is trying so hard to break away from a horrible situation, but she can’t.  Danielle is simply not well, and the kids are suffering.

Danielle is planning a luncheon to celebrate the magazine cover that Christine did.  What’s so weird, is that she is not including Christine, or any of her friends.  It’s just for her, so it can be all about her.  She calls people to tell them she is doing a lunch for Christine, yet Christine is not invited.  This woman is using her kids to further herself, and I think it’s disgusting.

She invites Dina and Jacqueline, but they both say no.  She is so disappointed that they are not coming.  Really?  They are not coming because you are a crazy person.  It’s fascinating that she is honestly surprised they are not there.  She needs to be under the care of a doctor.  She is delusional.  I’m not kidding. 

I think Danielle should date Jesse James.  They are perfect for each other, and would live happily ever after.  She is the exact type of low hanging fruit that he is attracted to.  They can live in Crazytown, get tattoos, and talk about how everyone else is crazy, and they are good people, who no one understands.  A match made in heaven.

Danielle proceeds to trash talk Dina and Jacqueline at the luncheon.  She is not anyone I would ever want to be friends with.  She is scary, and turns the luncheon into a fact-finding mission to come back and burn the other ladies, at a later date.  Then she talks about how she wishes no harm on anyone, just love and light. 

Something bad is going to happen.  Seriously.  Danielle will hurt someone, or perhaps, as Caroline would have us believe,  arrange for someone else to hurt someone.  She is a danger to her children.  I better shut up before she comes after me too.  This show rocks.  An explosion is coming, and I can’t wait.  As for Danielle coming after me, I’m sleeping with one eye open, and keeping the faith.