June 15, 2011 | 1:15 pm

Pap Smear & Sex, Jesus & Anthony Weiner, Dating & Being Fat

Posted by Ilana Angel

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Looking good! Having sex?

I am annoyed.  There have been a series of things over the past couple of days that are bugging me, so I’ve decided to vent about it here.  I picked my top three most irritating things, and should venting not make me feel better, I will simply pick more things and write more blogs until I do feel better.

One: I had a pap smear yesterday.  It’s an unfortunate name for an unfortunate procedure, and I don’t know anyone who enjoys it.  I personally dread it, but I have a fabulous gynecologist who talks through the entire thing so I am focused on her voice, not her poking and prodding.

When I got to the appointment, I was asked to fill out some paperwork. On the form it clearly listed my name, and that I was there to have a pap smear. Then there was a box that simply said “SEX”.  I’m not sure why, but I found this box to be the most annoying thing I have ever seen. 

Are they seriously asking me to confirm my gender?  Is there some new pap smear for men so they need me to clarify I am a girl?  Or do they perhaps just want to know if I am sexually active since they are checking out my lady parts?  Why the hell is the sex box on this form?

It is annoying that I need to clarify my gender to my gynecologist, and ridiculous if they are asking me if I have sex.  No, I am not having sex, thanks for asking.  Let me get in the stirrups, have a scope inserted in me, and also be reminded that I am not having sex. Thanks.

Two:  I feel horrible for Congressman Anthony Weiner and hope he is able to salvage his career and get his life in order.  I don’t care what he did, and the only person who needs to forgive him is his wife.  He screwed up, but nobody died, and his work was not compromised.

I am surprised so many are calling for him to resign and even more shocked by the tweet that was sent to Mr. Weiner by Albert Mohler, president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary who wrote: “There is no effective ‘treatment’ for sin. Only atonement, found only in Jesus Christ.”

Mr. Mahler, one of America’s most prominent evangelicals, is telling the Jewish Congressman the only way to fix this mess is through Jesus?  I can safely say that even Jesus cannot get Weiner out of this jam and as a Jew, Weiner asking Jesus for help is probably not going to happen.

Mahler also said:  “Christians — at least those who hold to biblical and orthodox Christianity — believe that salvation is found through faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, and in him alone.”  Blah, blah, blah.  I’m thinking Jesus is a compassionate man who simply wants peace for Weiner.

I am sick of people talking crap about what Jesus would do, want, or think. If Jesus is as wonderful as his followers say, and I believe he is, he will embrace Weiner regardless of his faith. He will comfort him and may even break the ice by mentioning his parents were Jewish.

Jesus, God, Allah, Buddha, whoever is the focus of your faith, will always embrace a person in pain.  That’s how they roll.  How we choose to worship is irrelevant because God loves all, regardless of religion. That is taught in all faiths, so stop embarrassing Jesus with your crap.

Three:  I recently read a couple of blogs that were posted here at The Jewish Journal and were written by Tamara Shayne Kagel.  I do not know Ms. Kagel, and to be honest have never read her blog.  I found her work through a reader who asked me to take a look as she was outraged.

Ms. Kagel and I are both single, Jewish, and dating in LA, but that is where the similarities end.  I am not attacking Ms. Kagel, but I would be doing a disservice to myself, and women, if I did not comment on her blog, and give a different point of view, as hers is a little off.

Kagel wrote a couple of blogs that at their most simplistic form, say that in order for a woman to meet a man she must be skinny.  You will attract what you are and if you are not fit, he won’t be either.  She also says if you are fat, you need a lesser man because a top tier guy is not possible.

Kagel is not a nutritionist or relationship expert.  She is simply a skinny, young girl in.  Kagel lists herself as being twenty-something, so since I am forty something,  I could be old enough to be her mother and therefore feel the need to share some motherly knowledge.

I got married at 25 to a successful and handsome Jewish man.  He was what she would call “top tier”, and he married me when I was a size 16.  He was not out of my league because I was not skinny, and I would argue I was out of his league because I was fabulous.

The key to finding a great man has nothing to do with being skinny, and that Ms. Kagel is skinny and not married, is proof.  I agree sexual attraction is key, and there are men who are not going to be interested in chicks who are not a size 2.  Remember last week’s date, Dean?

My weight does not mean I won’t find my beshert, and furthermore, when I do find him, and I will, he will be A list, not someone I scraped from the bottom of the “I’ll Date Fat Chicks” barrel.  I am fabulous so I will attract fabulous.  Kagel has bought into LA stereotypes a little too much.

I would like to invite Ms. Kagel for lunch to talk about her outlook on dating.  Important to note, if I order a salad it’s because I want a salad, not because I’m trying to get skinny.  In fact, let’s go to a place where they don’t serve salad, only sandwiches with big, fat pieces of bread.

Ms. Kagel and I are very different women, different types of writers, and at different stages of our lives.  I am not trying to change her, but feel confident that after a lunch with me, she will perhaps see things differently.  If not I can always sit on her until she changes her mind.

It’s only Wednesday and I’ve been double humiliated at the gynecologist, informed the only way to correct my sins is through the power of Jesus, and told that because I’m not skinny, I can only get a lesser man to love me.  I may need a bigger plan than just keeping the faith.