February 1, 2011 | 10:30 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
I love my son. Love him. He is a really wonderful human being and he has changed my life. I am closer to God because of my love for this boy and I feel blessed to be his mother and his friend. He is very funny, super smart, and incredibly kind. I am very proud of him and my mind spins when I think about the great things that he will accomplish in his lifetime.
I woke up this morning feeling sad which does not happen often. I am a positive person and it is easy for me to find light in the darkness. Perhaps a better word than sad would be fearful. I am overcome with a feeling today that I can’t quite put my finger on. I don’t like this feeling and all I can think about is if my son will ever really know how much I love him.
My family lives 3000 miles away and they do not see first hand how I am as a mother and the relationship I have built with my son. How will they be able to tell him about me, and what he has meant to me? I have nobody in my life who has seen this journey of motherhood first hand, that can tell him everything I would want him to know in terms of my life and love for him.
There has been no consistent witness to my life and it is making me sad today. I am watching a friend battle cancer and so maybe that is what is triggering this feeling. I feel almost panicked that I need to tell my boy everything about me so that he knows. There is nobody else to tell him, but I’m not sure how to tell him without causing some kind of panic for him.
Maybe someone else is feeling something similar and will share, or maybe it will help somebody who is going though their own moment of panic. I feel lost, but still have hope. With hope comes promise, and on days when it’s hard to find faith, hope is a good back up. Fingers crossed it comes across as brave in it’s honesty, not pathetic, because I don’t look good in pathetic.
I am not working today. It’s not a pity party, as much as it is just a day to regroup, get myself together, and back on track. By the time my son gets home from school, I will be back to my happy go lucky self and everything will be okay. I am going to allow myself to have a good cry, and let everything fall apart for just a minute. Crying will be a good release.
After I have a good cry, I will spend a couple of hours in bed with George Clooney. That is guaranteed to help. I’m deciding between Up in the Air, Three Kings, and One Fine Day. By deciding of course I mean the order, not which one to watch. It’s a day with George and even if I am not watching, I will have the sound of his voice in the background.
It’s okay to have an off day and allow yourself to be sad. I will be fine. I am fine. My son will be home soon and everything will make sense again. If anyone else is feeling sad today, know that it will be okay. Hang on to your hopes, have a good cry, spend time with George Clooney and know you are not alone. I’m holding your hand, and together we will keep the faith.
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