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Jewish Journal

My Mom Has the Flu, So I am Her Guest Blogger & The Bachelor Must Wait

by Ilana Angel

February 14, 2011 | 11:19 pm

Hello world. Ilana Angel, my mom, is sick with the flu right now so I, her devoted and fantastic son, will be blogging on her behalf. I would just like the record to show that my mom is amazing. She is the coolest, funniest, nicest, and most affectionate person I will ever be blessed to know.

To all her loyal readers, she hopes to be better tomorrow and will blog about The Bachelor then.  I know you all wait for that blog every Tuesday!  I think that show is lame, but she loves Reality TV.

I was trying to think of some fun things I could write about.  I came up with these topics: my life, my time with my mom, puberty, the ladies, money, the economy, politics, and religion.  I decided in the end that maybe I would write a little about all of these things.

My life is great.  I live in a beautiful home. I have by far the coolest mom. I have nice clothes, two really cool cats, and the greatest friends. I love my life. School is great. I got all B’s on my last report card, with a few smiling A’s sprinkled in. My teachers are all really cool. I just really like school. I don’t really have much more to say about that.

My life with my mom is even better. My mom is fantastic. I trust her with anything. She is giving and nurturing. She always keeps a few dollars in the glove compartment incase we see someone in need of it.  She keeps blankets in the trunk to pass out to homeless people.  She lets me curse in the house. I really like/abuse that freedom. I mean, I have boundaries, but who doesn’t?

I asked her what language I could use here before I started, so I decided it would just be easier for everyone if I just get it all out now. So here we go: damn, hell, bitch, douchebag, crap, skizzy biznatch, whore, skank, hooker, and lint-licker. Now doesn’t that just feel great?! Sometimes using cuss words just feels good.  Like when you stub a toe.  Start cursing and it will feel better. Really.

These are just a few of the things I love about her.  She is very understanding too. Just tonight, we were talking about sex at dinner. Normally that would be considered weird for a kid to talk to his mother about, but she is honest and open with me so it was really eye opening actually. Sex sounds pretty nice. I’m excited.  My mom says I will enjoy it more if I wait until after college.  She’s cute. Which leads me to my next topic: Puberty.

Puberty sucks. I hate it. Your voice cracks, acne comes, and you get hair places where you thought hair wouldn’t go. It just sucks. You also start questioning yourself on everything. Do I wear this? Do I ask her out? Is this right? Should I try this? Ugh! So many questions! I can’t handle it. I liked life when I was like 6. It was 10 times easier. The only questions you have are how babies are made and what does this do?  I am 15 but wish I were six again.

Do you want to know what I’ve been thinking about for the past hour? Boobs. I’m just going to be honest.  They are so fantastic. Just beautiful pieces of work. Thank you so much God. I really appreciate them. But something even better than boobs is what they are attached to. Women.

I don’t think you will ever meet a boy who respects women as much as I do. I think they deserve it. My mom taught me that. I think it has really helped me understand how to treat a woman by living with a single mother. There are certain things I look for in a girl. I like girls who are beautiful, funny, silly, kind, smart, gentle, like to laugh, have nice hair, and her eyes. Eyes are big for me.

I think the most attractive part of a woman is her eyes.  It’s the first thing I look at. But if I could have one little “extra”, it would be eyeglasses. I think glasses are so beautiful. I have no idea why. I just think glasses are so pretty. It might be a subconscious love for my mom, since coincidentally she wears glasses. I grew up with her and I think that inside I want a girl who is as strong and cool as my mom.

I consider myself to be very connected with my religion. I love being Jewish. I think the religion itself is really cool. It’s filled with really exciting stories. I think everyone should believe in something. Whether it is God, Jesus, Allah, or even a giant spaghetti monster in the sky. Everyone has to have faith.  Without it, life would be nothing more than, well, a big ball of nothing.  I just happen to get my faith from Judaism and my Mom.

I’m not really into politics. I follow the big things. I think people should stop getting mad at Obama. Why don’t you try fixing a country over a trillion dollars in debt, that’s also in a war. Things have to get worse before they get better people. The man, in my opinion, is doing a fantastic job. Good luck Barack. I believe in you.

The economy isn’t great. Things are getting more expensive. Did you know that the other day, I paid 2 bucks for a bottle of water? What the hell? I also think California should pass the gay marriage law. Stop getting so upset everyone. They just want to get married. So many marriages end in divorce but I don’t think I’ve ever seen an unhappy married gay couple.  Our friends Andy and Patrick are married and they are awesome and happy.

That’s about all I have to write about today.  I hope you feel better Mummy. Things are looking great. Life is great. Family is great. School is great. I’m just loving everything, and don’t really have anything to worry about. This was fun and maybe you’ll let me do it again.  I like being your guest blogger.  You’re the best mom.  Thank you for teaching me to always keep the faith.

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