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My First Thai Massage Experience

by Ilana Angel

October 23, 2011 | 1:28 pm

It has been a great weekend in Los Angeles.  It’s sunny and warm with the smell of fall in the air.  It’s as if we are almost having a season, which for LA is unusual.  As my family prepares for snow in Canada, I am counting my blessings and was thrilled to go to Starbucks this morning in a summer dress and sandals.  I’m heading to the beach to sit, take deep breaths, and relax.

Yesterday I hung out with my friend JB.  I have known her for 15 years, and we have weathered many storms together.  I love her very much, and while we planned to meet for a quick coffee in the morning, our day ended up stretching in a glorious time of relaxation.  By relaxation of course I mean torture.  We had pedicures, which were relaxing, but then things turned ugly.

JB was telling me about her new favorite thing, Thai massage.  It sounded fabulous so I decided we should go, and I was happy to treat my friend and spend some more time with her.  We headed over to her favorite place, which could not have been father from what I was expecting.  We walked from the bright sun into a dark cave that had a white slavery vibe to it.

It was lit with candles and the small woman at the front desk whispered hello.  JB told her what we wanted and we were led into a dark chamber.  I was certain someone was going to hit me over the head and I would wake up in Thailand, naked.  We were put in a room with two massage tables, separated by a curtain.  I was instructed to get naked and lay on the table.

Before I could ask her what the hell she was talking about, she was gone.  I opened the curtain and saw JB getting naked.  It was really dark and I could not see what was happening, so getting naked was not an option.  The tiniest of women came back and told me, in what very close to English, that I needed to get undressed, and she started to take my shirt off.

So now I’m naked, on a table, and the woman whispers in my ear that she is going to “climb”, then jumps on the table and starts to walk all over my body.  She is walking, pulling, stretching, yanking, bending, and massaging my body in a most interesting, but not relaxing way.  The whole time I am trying to breathe deeply and not panic that I am not in control.

While I believe there was some sort of ancient chanting music playing, I could not hear it because JB was going back and forth between moaning and screaming ouch.  It was hilarious because when we were heading there, she told me it’s an open space with only curtains as walls and I needed to be quiet, yet she was really loud with her curious sounds.

I thought she was either having great sex, or being tortured.  It was the least relaxing, most painful massage I have ever had.  I felt like I was being beat up, which is not my thing.  I left with a few bruises and a headache. About an hour later though, I felt limber, calm, and rather relaxed.  I’m used to massages where those feelings are instant, not an hour later.

I’m not sure I will try Thai massage again, but if I do, I will not go with JB as the soundtrack she provided was more disturbing than entertaining.  I love my friend and any time I can spend with her is important to me, but I’ll pass if seeing her includes the underworld of sex massage.  My bruises this morning are huge, but I’m relaxed and keeping the faith.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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