I am complicated. Not difficult, just complicated. I have a vision for my life that has not changed since I was a little girl. I always wanted to be a mom. I am. I always wanted to move to Los Angeles. I did. I always wanted to work in Hollywood. I do. I always wanted to meet the man of dreams. I have.
I have met a wonderful man who has shown me a kindness unlike any other man I have ever known. He understands that I am complicated and when that crosses over into being difficult, he rolls with it. By crosses over of course I mean it hardly ever happens. Like hardly ever. Never really.
I am part of an us for the first time in a very long time, and I am scared. Our relationship is very, very good, and that freaks me out. I have been so disappointed in the past, that the stupid girl part of my heart is waiting for it to be over. Luckily, the wise girl part of my heart is stronger.
I could not sleep last night and sat up for hours thinking about things that should not be thought about for more than a second, and certainly not in the middle of the night. I thought about them. Them being the men who I have had relationships with in the past. Not comparing, just thinking.
My Englishman is unlike any man I have dated before. I thought that was a bad thing because I was certain he was not my type. I realize now that because he is unlike them, he is actually exactly my type. He makes me laugh, brings me joy, loves my son, and makes me feel safe.
It is Shabbat. I am going to turn off my fears, go to temple, pray, and bring in Shabbat with gratitude. My dreams have come true and rather than question why, I need to thank God for my good fortune. His hand is firmly placed on my shoulder, and he has led me here.
To my Englishman, I love you. Shabbat will mark eight months that we have known each other. On our first date you put your hand on the small of my back and guided me out of the restaurant. It was a small gesture, but I saw true romance in it, and so it got you a second date.
Thank you for appreciating and understanding I am complicated and not difficult. Thank you for laughing when I label myself as complicated, rather than difficult. Thank you for holding my hand, reminding me that after dark comes light, and that dreams come true when keeping the faith.
Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
- Christina Perri
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