May 28, 2013 | 9:18 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
My friends have often said I am obsessed with the romantic notion of love, and my big mistake is putting love as my number one requirement in a relationship. I want love. Sex is easy to find, but love is elusive, and I want it. I think sex is better when love is there, and while sex can still be great without love, which one needs to come first? Do men need to have sex in order to fall in love, while women need to fall in love in order to have sex?
I have friends who have the same view on sex that I have on love. They think a good sex life is the key to a good relationship, so if you have great sex it will lead to a great relationship. It seems like an odd approach to me, but it turns out a lot of men think this way. I believe for women sex is better if we love who we are intimate with. I also think we have different ideas of what intimacy is. Men and women are very different sexually.
For women holding hands can be intimate. For me, one of the most intimate things is when a man places his hand on the small of my back to guide me through a doorway. For a man, letting you spend the night and keep a toothbrush in his bathroom can be intimate. Now I don’t want to stereotype men because everyone is different, but these are my observations while dating. Each time I think I am figuring it all out, I realize I know nothing.
The feeling of love is wonderful. When I look at a man I can think he is attractive, but if I am in love him, he becomes the smartest, funniest, sexiest man in the world. I think a lot of women are like that. Love simply changes how we view our partners and ourselves. Sex is important in a relationship, and one of the greatest things about being a grown up, but I’d rather be in love and working on great sex, then having great sex with no love.
Sex at this stage of my life is both liberating and complicated. I am secure enough to have no inhibitions and embrace my sexuality, but also grounded spiritually and religiously enough that I worry about it more. I worry about the role my faith plays in my sex life, and also worry about what my partner thinks about me, and the impression I am making. By partner of course I mean I seem to recall that is how I felt when I had a partner.
It is an interesting twist of fate to reach a point in your life where you can embrace sex, but there is nobody to have sex with. To clarify, there are a lot of people to have sex with, but I want sex to matter, so it is not happening because nobody matters at the moment. I wish I could find my inner sex goddess and have sex for fun without love, but I just can’t get there. I want it all and so I wait. The bigger question is how long will I be waiting?
I am trying to make my way through the hell that is dating over 40, and could use some guidance. So, I am pleased to announce that I will moderate a wonderful event for The Jewish Journal on Tuesday, June 25th. If you will be in Los Angeles, Save The Date! It will be an interesting evening of discussion and learning as we talk about sex and faith. I am honored to be joined by a wonderful panel of experts to teach and enlighten us.
Rabbi Ed Feinstein, Clinical Sex Counselor Dr. Limor Blockman, and Dating Coach David Wygant, will share their expertise and insights during what promises to be an entertaining and enlightening evening of learning. Details will be available soon and tickets will go on sale next week. Married or single, Jewish or not, you are invited to attend and we hope you will bring your questions as this is an evening for all of us to talk and share.
At the end of the day I am doing the best I can. I hope to find a partner that makes me feels sexy, embraces my romantic heart, and unleashes my inner hussy. I want to swing from the rafters and have a fulfilling sex life without compromising my faith, my body, or my dreams of love. I look forward to the event and hope you can join us. Love is grand, sex matters, faith guides, and the goal is to enjoy it all while keeping the faith.
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