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Is Sex Without Emotion a Deal Breaker?

by Ilana Angel

June 21, 2012 | 5:11 pm

I had a conversation this week about sex and cheating that was fascinating.  By fascinating of course I mean men are pigs.  I think sex requires emotion to be good, but the man I was speaking with insisted sex can be great without emotion, and sometimes the lack of emotion can even make it better.  It would have been hilarious had I not been speaking to someone whose opinion i value.  When I told him he was in fact a pig, he laughed and said men and women are simply different and it shouldn’t be a big deal.

He went on to compare sex to sports which gave me an eye twitch.  His theory was that having sex without an emotional connection was like watching a great football game without cheering for a particular team. Really? Sex is like a great football game?  During football season there are a dozen games on just one day, so could a man sleep with a dozen women, not care about any of them, and have it all be great?  His theory, while disgusting, makes sense if you remember men are dumb and don’t get it.

He shared that the emotional side of a relationship for him was not directly tied to sex.  Laying with a woman and talking to her while caressing her hair was far more emotional than the act of sex.  Men are a different kind of animal and I’m interested from the perspective that I am dating a man and also raising a man.  I want my son to appreciate the benefits of sex with emotion but teaching him that may be impossible because he is a man and not wired that way.  Men seem to have it a lot easier when it comes to sex.

I think sex is a wonderful thing, but requires emotion to be really great.  I don’t need to be in love to have sex, but I do need to care about them on some level and have them care about me in return.  Sex without emotion would hurt my feelings.  My friend said sex is sex and love is love and one is not better than the other, they are just different. He thinks most men can have emotionless sex but it takes a certain type of woman to do the same.  By certain type of woman of course he means robots.

Do all women need emotions to enjoy sex? Does even a hooker, who has sex for a living, have to have emotion of some kind to be able to do her job?  Even if she is faking, is it the faking of emotion that makes her successful? Do men fake emotion when they are having emotionless sex?  Do they tell women they don’t care about, that they care about them, in order for the woman to be more emotional and therefore better in bed because she thinks he cares about her?  Can men even think this way?

Sex is complicated, but does it need to be?  Would women have better sex lives if they didn’t think so much?  Would men be more fulfilled if they thought about it more?  Does having great sex with someone you don’t care about make you a slut, or just a grown up?  Does having sex with emotion guarantee that it will be love?  Should having sex, with or without emotion, only be with one person at a time?  Can we sleep with many people at the same time and just be sexual and not whores?

I am fascinated by sex and what it means to people.  We all want it to be good, but define good in different ways. I have had bad sex with men I cared about and I wonder if we were not sexually compatible or if I was not emotionally invested enough to care.  I have old fashioned views of sex and sometimes I wish I didn’t.  I think it would be great to be free enough to enjoy sex without any expectations.  I suppose that would make me a man because I don’t know any women who can have emotionless sex.

These women surely exist, and I am envious of them.  It must be great to be able to have sex for the pure enjoyment of it all, and not have it tied to your heart or your brain.  I want to understand the emotions of sex better so I can enjoy it more.  Could that be my problem?  Perhaps if I didn’t try so hard to understand and label it, it could be better.  I enjoy it of course, but I’m always thinking and that gets in the way of emotions, and my ability I relax,  which is required in order to have great sex.

At the end of the day bad sex is sad, no sex is tragic, good sex is great, and emotional sex is perfection.  I need to think less about what sex means and more about how it feels.  Not how it feels emotionally, but how it feels physically.  I’d like to talk to a hooker about this subject.  I bet I could learn a thing or two from a woman in the sex profession.  If you are a hooker reading this, how about an interview?  I want to hear your take on sex, emotions, and if you can separate them and still keep the faith.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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