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Jewish Journal

Is Sex the New Fairytale?

by Ilana Angel

October 7, 2012 | 1:10 pm

Sex changes for women as we get older.  We go from no experience and thinking all sex is good, to having enough experiences to be able to tell the difference between good and bad sex.  We want meaningful sex, but discover that not only does meaningful not necessarily mean good, sometimes not meaningful sex can be mind blowing.  I believe sex helps us define who we are as women.

Sex is empowering, but also crippling.  It can make us feel feminine, and also give us balls.  It can make us cry in a good way, and bad way. Sex can give us faith, and crush our spirit.  Sex is a way to find love, or end love.  Sex is best, in my opinion, when it is monogamous.  It shapes a love affair and romance.  I do not believe sex should be a goal.  Sadly, I’m learning for a lot of women, it is.

I recently met a woman who told me she was not interested in a relationship, just wanted to have sex with a man who would treat her with kindness and buy her gifts.  She is 41, broken from a divorce, and so untrusting of love that sex is her new fairytale.  She wants to feel like a woman, while erasing all the feelings that come with being a woman.  Many women want this new fairytale.

Have men hurt women so often that getting laid is now enough?  Is putting a Band-Aid on a gaping wound going to make it better? Are woman scared to fall in love because the loss of it is so painful?  Is having a purely sexual relationship the away to go? Can women even have sex without emotion?  Not only emotion for the person they are with, but the emotion that comes with being a woman?

If you have a sexual realtionship with a man, and he takes you out and buys you things, won't feelings come?  Will the hopeful heart that lies buried in every broken woman's heart not shine through?  I like to think that as long as I have faith I will find my way to love without having to shut down the hopeful side of my battered and occassionally bitter heart.  Faith in myself and God.

Sex is an important part of a relationship and fairytales are elusive.  Sex is a great part of being a grown up, and personally I would not be in a relationship that did not include sex.  I want to feel desired and also want to feel the power that comes with desiring my partner.  Can we have it all?  Do we need to label relationships as sexual? We assume couples are having sex, but maybe not.

Maybe people are having arrangements rather than relationships. Women are approaching sex with broken hearts, rather than hopeful hearts. Is the fear of being hurt enough to make us undervalue ourselves?  How quickly one stops judging a whore when she realizes she has become one herself.  It is disappointing that I define this sexual view as that of a whore.

Being free to have sex without involving your heart does not make you a whore.  It does not even make you a slut.  All it does is make you a woman with a different view.  We all see love and sex differently.  I see them as one, but I may be the minority.  I have been single for more time than I have been in relationships, yet my hopeful heart still shapes the view I have of sex and love.

I want an old fashioned fairytale. I want to be with a man who fulfills me emotionally, intellectually, and sexually.  Not only do I want it, but I deserve it. \We all deserve it.  Even if you may not want it, you still deserve it.  The question is not whether I can find a fairytale, but rather how long it will last when it is found.  Time and luck will tell, but I will help by keeping the faith.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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